Mini-Ep 468: When You “Don’t Fit”
Doree and Elise reflect on how much the topic of parents getting older has resonated with listeners. Then listeners send in their thoughts on jobs and identity, tips for continuing to help your aging parents, and the strange lens we still view weight through in the U.S.
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Mentioned in this Episode
Molly Parker
Senior care consultant
Move managers
Costco bath sheets
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Transcript
This episode transcript is AI generated.
Doree Shafrir (00:10):
Hello and welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Doree Shafrir.
Elise Hu (00:17):
And I'm Elise Hu. And we're just two friends who like to talk about serums.
Doree Shafrir (00:22):
This is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability. But please remember, we are not experts. We are podcast hosts and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Elise Hu (00:41):
We've gotten a lot of mailbag content about the Vanessa Gregor episode where she talks about taking care of elderly parents. Sounds like she has that new show. So your parents are old and it turns out a lot of our parents are old, as it turns out.
Doree Shafrir (01:01):
Yeah. I think this is something that a lot of people are going through.
Elise Hu (01:06):
I have been thinking a lot about how Donald Trump sends all those AI slop generated videos like the one where famously he's in the cockpit of a plane and just defecating over Americans, which is just AI plot video. And he loves sending this stuff, and my dad's been sending it to me too, but not the same content. But also he sent one where Trump and Xi Jinping, Chinese leaders, Xi Jinping, are in a physical brawl also AI generated nonsense. The whole boomers and screen time discussion needs to be had. We talk so much, there's so much discourse about kids and screen time, but what about our parents in screen time?
Doree Shafrir (01:55):
Well, it's funny you say that because I saw something somewhere that someone was like, I now have to treat my parents like my children when it comes to screen time. I'm here monitoring what my mom is watching on YouTube.
Elise Hu (02:11):
YouTube. It's more dangerous with them though because they have their phones often connected to digital payments in a way that toddlers don't. I mean, there's all the stories about toddlers accidentally making all these in-app purchases on Roblox and that we can stop. It can be kind of predatory with these in-app purchases, but I feel like with seniors, because they have online banking or a lot of them have online banking set up for them, it's really easy for them to be taken for a ride by various classes and courses people are selling or in-app purchases.
Doree Shafrir (02:44):
That's so true. That's so true. It's funny, my grandparents who, my grandmother died in 2016 and my grandfather died in 2019, long after the internet had sort of entered people's homes, but they never had the internet. They were just sort of like, you know what? We're just not going to do this. My grandma too. And it was kind of annoying because it was harder to keep in touch with them, but now in retrospect, I'm like, you know what? It's probably for the best that they did not have the internet.
Elise Hu (03:22):
I'm really scared. It's brain rotting. My dad, he's just sending so much nonsense. Yeah, it can brain rot. I mean, we know that it brain rots us. Why wouldn't it brain rot senior citizens who spend all day in front of us screen.
Doree Shafrir (03:35):
Yeah,
Elise Hu (03:36):
Good
Doree Shafrir (03:36):
Point. Good point.
Elise Hu (03:37):
Anyway,
Doree Shafrir (03:39):
So
Elise Hu (03:39):
Your parents
Doree Shafrir (03:40):
Are old.
Elise Hu (03:42):
Yeah, A perennial topic.
Doree Shafrir (03:44):
A perennial topic. What else is happening with you
Elise Hu (03:48):
By the time this airs? I will be back from Deadwood, South Dakota, reliving my HBO Show of the Aughts Dreams. I loved Deadwood Deadwood, the show. The show. I haven't been to Deadwood just yet as of this taping, but the show really stands alone, I think as one of the best television westerns of all time, if not the best television western of all time. So good. Rob and I have this running joke right now because in Los Angeles there's all these billboards of this new TV show called Doc, and you'll see doc over this woman's image and then above doc it says Molly Parker. And we're all like Molly Parker, should we know who Molly Parker is. And now every time we drive by one of these, it's like, oh look, it's the big show starring Molly Parker and we have no idea who Molly Parker is, but the way they're promoting it, it's as if it's Angelina Jolie, we should know who Molly Parker is. And so we were like, is this some sort of elaborate ruse where it's like they play her up to be some big star and so we assume she's a big star starring on this new show called Doc for which there are billboards everywhere. And I finally looked her up and she was on Deadwood. She was almost, oh my gosh, that's so
Doree Shafrir (05:11):
Funny.
Elise Hu (05:12):
Yeah. So now I'm like, oh, Molly Parker, that's Molly Parker. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. Who will now be playing a doctor? But yeah, so I've got a couple of weekend things. I've got Ted Wood for one of my besties birthdays, and then I have Atlanta next weekend. It's Atlanta for Ted. Ted has a big main stage in Atlanta every year now. It used to be Ted Women and now it's Ted Next, and it's where I got to give my Ted Talk. And so it is a return to Atlanta and then the following weekend, a quick trip up to San Francisco. So a bunch of November weekend trips, trips. But thankfully Luna's soccer season is coming to an end this weekend. Oh God, I know. It was so much soccer. I mean it was even a lot of soccer for you to have to listen to me drone on and on about. So
Doree Shafrir (06:11):
No, that's coming to an end for now. I was just sort of like,
Elise Hu (06:17):
Wow, that's a lot of
Doree Shafrir (06:17):
Soccer.
Elise Hu (06:20):
We have a tournament in December, like a travel tournament, but the official season is over this weekend. Yeah, they did great. They've grown a lot.
Doree Shafrir (06:28):
Well, Lisa, before we take a break, we got an interesting voicemail related to a comment that I guess you made that I had sort of forgotten about, but here is the voicemail.
Listener Voicemail (06:41):
Okay. Hi there, Paul, the pod moment from Sarah in Minneapolis. I am looking to Min 57 and you're talking about helping a kid find what they want to do, and Elise mentioned think of the thing that you would do that you don't, the thing that you would do without getting paid to do. Now up until COVID, I worked in theater like live theater as a stage manager and I did it because I had the same mentality of do something that you love to do and would do even without getting paid. I cannot tell how burned out I got, and so unbelievably taken advantage of by the, and I no longer love theater, I can't go see anything, so I could get the instinct behind it, but I lost my entire identity and my sense of self and I regret following that advice. So just something to about thanks so much.
Elise Hu (07:46):
Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear that something that you really loved and brought you energy and life is now kind of like you have to avoid because the workplace culture was so oppressive. The back half of that answer. Well, it was, it was two parts. It was either find something that you love that you feel like wouldn't be a job because that sort of might most align with your heart, but the other was like you don't have to make your job your identity. You could also
Doree Shafrir (08:18):
Just
Elise Hu (08:19):
Do the job and have a rich life outside of work. So you could do a job as a bill payment processor or something that sounds like maybe not what you were put on earth to do, but you could do it well and then have a life rich with hobbies. Totally. Yeah. Good note. Appreciate it and sorry to hear about that.
Doree Shafrir (08:43):
Yeah. All right. Before we take a break, just a reminder, you can call or text us at five nine one zero three nine zero and email us at Forever five podcast@gmail.com. And we have a big announcement about our newsletter, which is that it has moved to Patreon. We are now consolidating all of that stuff on Patreon, but it is still free. So all you have to do is join the Patreon at the free tier, again free, and you'll get the newsletter and you can also check out the paid tiers and do a free trial. So that's another thing that you can do. But in the meantime, to keep getting a newsletter, just join Patreon at the free tier and the newsletter will be moving over to Patreon. So that's at patreon.com/forever three five. And we send out the newsletter a couple of times a month. We have some pod highlights, product reviews, sometimes we have exclusive discounts, giveaways, there's other bonus content. It's always like a funny TikTok. I mean it's popping off. Our website is Forever35podcastcast.com. Our Instagram is Forever35podcastcast. You can also sign up for a newsletter, just the newsletter at Forever35podcastcast.com/newsletter. We have a link there to the Patreon and our favorite products are at shop my US slash forever three five, and when we come back, we have a couple voicemails about aging parents and a towel rack.
Elise Hu (10:11):
We'll be right back.
Doree Shafrir (10:19):
All right, we are back, and as I said, we have a couple of voicemails.
Listener Voicemail (10:27):
Hi guys. I had a pause the pod moment when you guys were talking about aging parents. I am currently dealing with my own aging parents and my mom is still very active, but my dad has dementia
Listener Voicemail (10:44):
And
Listener Voicemail (10:44):
Both of them are extremely stubborn. My mom had to literally get to a breaking point in order to accept help. But one of the absolute best things that we did was hire a senior care consultant, which is a little bit different than a care manager that you guys talked about pod. The consultant was shockingly reasonable in terms of cost and is a licensed social worker who helped my mom and me deal with getting immediate help in terms of at-home aids and also long-term help in terms of finding an independent slash assisted living place where they could live together as a couple with support.
Listener Voicemail (11:26):
My
Listener Voicemail (11:26):
Parents also had a long-term insurance policy that was nearly impossible for us to get activated, but the consultant was able to do so in five minutes on the phone, which was a lifesaver, and their insurance pays for their personal aid. So the consultant works with a team of other licensed social workers. They know what questions to ask assisted living places, they have connections to independent aids, they have connections to agencies. They did an evaluation with my parents over Zoom immediately in order to determine what kind of services and help they needed, and they helped guide us through this whole journey in a way that was just a massive support to both me and my folks, and especially this generation. I feel like they're never going to listen to their kids who are giving them reasonable and knowledgeable advice or not knowledgeable advice, but they'll listen to other people.
(12:26)
We paid 2,500 I believe, and this is in the New York City area where things cost a bajillion dollars for anything, but the consultant also was able to give us recommendations for things like elder care, lawyers, moving services, and then when we actually got down to the nitty gritty of downsizing my parents and moving them into a facility, the consultants were able to hook us up with move managers who are another whole realm of angels on earth. The move managers were a group, of course, primarily women who you pay to come in and help you and your parents do the downsizing. They get rid of the trash, they get rid of things to donate, they pack them up, they move their stuff, they unpack their stuff and they set up the house. They hung pictures, they put away dishes. It was amazing, and it was the best money I have ever spent to just handle this. It was definitely cheaper than the extra therapy appointments I would've needed to get through this myself. I really hate to say through money at the problem because so many of us don't have money to throw at this problem, but if you can scrape together even a little bit of cash for some time with a senior care consultant, it was truly a lifesaver for us.
Elise Hu (13:59):
Thank you. Thanks for the call. I didn't even know about this service. I am in a similar boat where my mom is 12 years younger than my dad, and so she's very active and going on seven to eight international trips a year. Half of them, she takes my dad, but then the others, she's bird. She's doing a bird photography thing in Iceland or where that's her hobby that she's living out and he doesn't come along. And then I'm constantly worried about him falling because they have so many stairs in their condo. I'm just
Doree Shafrir (14:32):
Right. It's very stressful. Yeah. My mom is five years younger than my dad and so far not going. Can you tell the difference? In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. My dad has been losing his hearing for 30 years and only in the last year or two finally agreed to get hearing aids, so that has made a huge difference. Huge. But my dad goes to the gym for three hours a day. He is obsessive the gym rat About the gym. Yeah, he's an 80-year-old gym rat. So in terms of actually physical shape,
Elise Hu (15:19):
Yeah,
Doree Shafrir (15:19):
He's in great shape. He's in great shape. Yeah. But yeah, this is a good tip. This listener said, if you have the resources to hire a consultant, seems like a good move. Alright, we have another voicemail.
Listener Voicemail (15:36):
Hi guys. I had another pause the pod moment later in the episode about talking about aging parents in terms of how to deal with folks with dementia. My father has dementia and has had it for a number of years, and it's so much harder on the people around him than it is on him to a certain extent. He is in his own world and it is hard and frustrating for those of us trying to get him to do something like eat or go to the bathroom than it is for him. So one tip that I've done and I've recommended to others is kind of just meet your parent where they're at. If they are in 1955 thinking that it's their teenagers and their sister is off at work and they're going to school, then yes, meet them in 1955 and they're going to school and redirect. It's kind of like dealing with toddlers, but large toddlers who are physically grownups.
Listener Voicemail (16:50):
But
Listener Voicemail (16:50):
The number of times I've sat there and said to my dad, oh yeah, your sister is at school right now, but she'll be back later, so why don't we go get you a snack and then we'll talk about the birds that are outside because doesn't that look cool? And it's really hard not to get frustrated and sad and mad at them when they're not doing things that you're used to them doing and they're not being the parent that you are used to having. It's a long-term period of mourning for them while they are still alive and you're seeing them deteriorate, which is heartbreaking and sad, but you can still have some joyful moments with them if you just kind of meet them where they're at. I hope that helps folks. It's really a hard road.
Elise Hu (17:53):
My dad is on that road. I mean, he's not quite there yet where he's in different eras, but he's not remembering. And so there's only one direction that goes though. Some people say there's this moment of clarity towards the end, but yeah, I think he's very joyful. You know what I mean? He is unbothered by this because he doesn't know. He's not conscious that, right,
Doree Shafrir (18:16):
Right. It's my mom who's really stressed out. I imagine that's got to be a burden. Really stressful. Of course. Yeah, this stuff is hard. Thank you all for sharing these stories and please keep them coming. I think it's comforting to people to hear that other people are going through the same stuff. And now on a completely different note, we have a towel recommendation. Look, we contain multitudes. Elise, we sure do. Like Maya
Elise Hu (18:48):
Angelou says, yes,
Doree Shafrir (18:50):
All right. Leslie in North Carolina says long time, first time with a wreck for Costco bath sheets, and she specified the bath sheets because they are larger than towels.
Elise Hu (19:03):
They're giant
Doree Shafrir (19:05):
Hand towels and bath mats. We have matching white sets for all of our bathrooms so we can wash and spot, clean all pieces together and easily love the pod. And y'all, Leslie,
Elise Hu (19:18):
Yeah, maybe I need to just get rid of every towel set in my house because there's different ones. There's some for the guest house and there's some for the kids' bathroom, and there's some for here and there don't all match. And so then we have to get them to the right place because it's like, oh, these are my towels for my bathroom versus, oh, these are the kids'
Doree Shafrir (19:35):
Towels for the kids' bathroom.
Elise Hu (19:37):
And now Rob has brought in his towels and I'm just like, okay, maybe we give all of our towels to the vet or the emergency vet. They always need those. And we just start fresh, just start fresh and buy a bunch of towels that are interchangeable for all of the bathrooms. I feel this way about socks every once in a while where I'm like, I can't deal with trying to match these socks and there's so many different patterns and brands, and why don't we just all have the same socks?
Doree Shafrir (20:02):
I mean, yeah, that seems like it would solve a lot of problems.
Elise Hu (20:07):
That's what I'm saying. That's
Doree Shafrir (20:09):
What I'm saying.
Elise Hu (20:12):
Great wreck. Keep the towel wrecks coming.
Doree Shafrir (20:15):
What can't Costco do, honestly? Alright. Okay. We're going to take another break and after the break we have an interesting voicemail related to the conversation that we had with Cadence Debo. Okay. So we will be right back. We'll be right back. We're back, and we have an interesting voicemail.
Listener Voicemail (20:48):
I just had to pause the pod when you guys were talking about body types and exercise and GLP ones and all this stuff that's kind of going on right now in our culture. I am a speech language pathologist who worked extensively with patients with feeding and swallowing disorders. So I routinely would see patients who had lost huge amounts of weight, not intentionally, but because they were having either a disease process or having difficulty swallowing. And it always blew my mind how they would routinely just be like, yeah, this is great. I lost 50 pounds, and I'm like, you can't eat. And it was just so worrisome to me that our culture, even when you were that sick, still the focus and the emphasis on Skinness being the goodness of a person and how amazing a person is, and that's the only thing that should matter.
(21:50)
And I would get so angry, not at the patient obviously, but just in general that that's the lens that they would see this through and not like, holy shit, this is a big problem and I should be really, really concerned. Nine times out of 10, these patients would just be like, yeah, I lost some weight, but it was good. I needed to lose 50 pounds. And it's like, no, not this way. And similar to what your guest was saying, the muscle loss was unbelievable, and it's just a certain type of look and it's really unsettling to me as a person that we continue to not focus on strength and how our body functions versus how it looks. And doctors also would see people through that lens and routinely make comments that it was good that they lost the weight for whatever reason. And I routinely would have to fight for patients to get alternative means of nutrition or supplements or something because it was not okay that they were losing this much weight.
(23:01)
And even doctors would sometimes just be like, no, it's fine. We need them to lose the weight, so it's okay. And it's like, Nope, they're losing muscle. So that is my soapbox, and I'm sorry for rambling, but I similarly feel kind of mixed about these GLP ones. I have friends and family who are on them and I know they have a place and are a good thing for a lot of people, but I also think there's just this magic bullet about it that is wrong. But at the same time, I think it's great that people have access to something that can help them lose the weight if they're doing all the things that they should be doing. I'm not trying make our past judgment on that, it's just more of looking at this drug as part of a bigger system that can happen when we're talking about nutrition and health and wellness and not just like, okay, I'm going to take this pill and lose weight. I'm so happy you guys continue to have these difficult conversations. And again, none of this is in judgment of people taking whatever they need to do to get their body to a place that is healthy. That's all. And I'm sorry, this is so long. Bye.
Elise Hu (24:16):
We have to remind folks over and over again, and there's lots of body acceptance, writers and activists who can say this much better than me, but thinness does not necessarily equal health. Thinness is conflated with good health, but often there are thin people who are deeply unhealthy, very, very unhealthy. And then the same thing the other way, like fatness doesn't mean lack of health necessarily. And our medical system, a lot of doctors have anti-fat bias. And so this shows up with doctors more than we'd like. I thought Virginia Soul Smith wrote really well and summarized a lot of research on this very cogently in her book Fat Talk, which came out a couple of years ago. So this reminds me of a lot of Virginia Soul Smith's work on this. She's a body acceptance and body liberation journalist who is now on Patreon. We should mention her newsletter. Burnt Toast is now on Patreon. But yeah, it pisses me off the way that our beauty standards are so tied to capitalism and that we problematize bodies that don't fit, don't fit, and then we create this market for a solution and how immovable it feels to confront industry. I mean, this is largely what Flawless was about. Yeah,
Doree Shafrir (25:35):
Totally.
Elise Hu (25:37):
Yeah. So we hear you. You're preaching to the choir. Preach. Preach on. Let's Not Over conflate Thinness with health.
Doree Shafrir (25:47):
Amen. Well, Elise, it's been great to see you and talk to you listeners. Thanks as always and just again a reminder, visit us at patreon.com/forever three five for our newsletter. Just sign up at the free tier and you'll get our newsletter from now on, Patreon. Alright everybody, thanks again and we'll talk to you soon. Talk to you next time. Bye.