Mini-Ep 436: You’re Incredible, We’re Incredible
Listeners call in to ask Doree and Elise more friendship month questions (keep ‘em coming!), the convo continues on what it means to learn new skills at mid-life, and why we all love Walter Goggins.
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Transcript
This episode transcript is AI generated.
Doree Shafrir (00:10):
Hello and welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Doree Shafrir.
Elise Hu (00:16):
And I'm Elise Hu. And we are just two friends who like to talk a lot about serums,
Doree Shafrir (00:21):
And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability. But please remember, we are not experts. We're podcast hosts and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Elise Hu (00:40):
We love your questions though.
Doree Shafrir (00:41):
We
Elise Hu (00:42):
Do, and we've been in a real season of great questions and voicemails and texts from folks because I think we're all leaning on each other to take better care of each other during these dark and tumultuous times we live in interesting times.
Doree Shafrir (00:58):
That is certainly one way of putting it, Elise. Yes, we
Elise Hu (01:01):
Do. That's my most cheerful way of putting it yet because I have been like we're in a full on dystopia, but I'm trying to keep it a little bit more even. I'm trying to keep it a little bit more even, and part of the reason is because I'm already at midlife. There's so many younger people, the ones that we brought into this world who have so much more life ahead, and so I think we do have a responsibility to them to try and do something
Doree Shafrir (01:35):
For sure.
Elise Hu (01:37):
And also it's really hopeful for me to be around kids. I have been spending a lot of time around kids as part of my documentary filmmaking, and they're just putting one foot in front of the other. Part of that is the benefit of not having to be alive to see a bunch of decay. Maybe we are more cynical because we remember a time, a different time, a time when politics wasn't like this and you could have policy differences but not differences on whether your marginalized group should even exist, that things have gotten a lot more existential in a short amount of time. But then I think that the pendulum does swing, and so you have to imagine that we can try and visualize a more affirmative way forward. So I am trying to keep it together at least this week. Check again next week.
Doree Shafrir (02:32):
Yeah, exactly.
Elise Hu (02:34):
When this comes out, your in-laws are going to be in town, so you'll be in the middle of a visit. How long is that? Is that visit lasting? Is it a long stay? Is it a short stay?
Doree Shafrir (02:43):
No, by the time this airs, they will be just about on the way back to their home.
Elise Hu (02:50):
Okay.
Doree Shafrir (02:52):
So yeah, they're not here for that long.
Elise Hu (02:55):
Are there other grandkids? So does Henry have a bunch of cousins?
Doree Shafrir (03:00):
He does on both sides.
Elise Hu (03:02):
Oh, that's
Doree Shafrir (03:02):
Fun. His cousins on my side are all close in age to him. He's the youngest of five cousins and the oldest is about to turn 10, so it's like a 10-year-old, a 9-year-old, an 8-year-old, a 7-year-old, and he'll be a 6-year-old. Oh, that's cool. Everyone's very close in age, which is fun. And then his cousins on Matt's side are much older because Matt is the youngest of four by seven years is his next oldest, and his brother had kids really young in his early twenties, so his brother has kids who are in their twenties, and then his sister has a kid who's in high school.
Elise Hu (03:51):
Okay, okay. Yeah, Matt was the caboose of his own family.
Doree Shafrir (03:55):
Matt was the caboose and then especially his brother, especially had kids quite young, so his brother's a year older than me and has kids in their twenties. He has a daughter who's married. It's just a different, it's almost like it's a different generation it feels like.
Elise Hu (04:15):
Yeah, it seems like it. Okay, cool.
Doree Shafrir (04:18):
Elise, I actually have something that I need to discuss with you and our listeners. In the grand scheme of things, it is relatively inconsequential, but I have just lost all motivation to cook dinner.
Elise Hu (04:36):
When did this happen? When did you lose it? Where did you lose it?
Doree Shafrir (04:39):
I don't know. I think it's partly because Henry has a very, it's not super limited. He does eat foods. It's just like the foods he will eat are pretty basic. It's like he'll eat Turkey burgers, he'll eat noodles, he'll eat, you know what I mean? I don't like to make two separate meals. That's just too much, and I will often make a meal that I know he'll only eat one part of,
(05:15)
But I just sort of lost the will for a while. I was posting on our, I had a magnetic dry erase. Oh yeah, the menus that you would set up. I was doing a weekly menu, and that was actually great in the sense of I knew what I was making every night, and then I just sort of lost steam on that. And then the other night I made the saddest dinner I've ever made. It was, I was like, well, I'm going to make a protein, a vegetable and a carb, so I just sauteed some Turkey and I was like, well, I'm going to put some garlic powder and some soy sauce in this. What?
Elise Hu (06:05):
Okay. I love garlic. Anything.
Doree Shafrir (06:08):
Yeah, so I sauteed that. Then I just steamed some broccoli and I made some pearled couscous and I just put it out on the table and Henry was like, mama, why did you make meatballs that aren't stuck together?
Elise Hu (06:27):
It's
Doree Shafrir (06:27):
Deconstructed.
Elise Hu (06:29):
You deconstructed.
Doree Shafrir (06:30):
It was just like a bowl meatballs of ground Turkey. I don't know. Nothing looked appetizing. And I was sitting there, I was putting food on my plate and I was like, it's actually quite tasty. And Matt and Henry were just both looking at me, what the hell? Henry ate some couscous and some broccoli, but it was just so sad and I was like, I don't know. I sad.
Elise Hu (06:55):
Do y share duties? Does Matt have his nights or his weeks or
Doree Shafrir (07:00):
Matt does the dishes.
Elise Hu (07:02):
Oh, okay. That's the way you break it down.
Doree Shafrir (07:04):
He does all the dishes. I hate doing dishes. So that is ours. You do hate that
Elise Hu (07:11):
More than cooking.
Doree Shafrir (07:13):
Yes. I would rather cook and Matt will occasionally cook. He is actually a good cook, but I feel like he tends to overcomplicate things. He'll be like, I'm going to make the America's test kitchen version of a Turkey burger and it's like 25 ingredients and a thousand steps and takes three hours, and you're like, and it's messy. This is really tasty, but it's not exponentially tastier than the regular Turkey burger that I already make. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I don't know. I feel like I'm just in a rut of food and I need some suggestions from you, from listeners. We've done this before. I've asked for dinner recommendations before and I need a refresher.
Elise Hu (08:11):
My mind is immediately going to, maybe it's corn pasta season.
Doree Shafrir (08:16):
Oh, I do love corn pasta.
Elise Hu (08:18):
I was going to say maybe it's about time to bring back the old forever 35 favorite corn pasta.
Doree Shafrir (08:25):
I did, Costco had corn not that long ago, so I don't know where it is corn season already, but it was corn season at Costco, and so I got some corn and used it to make some corn pasta. That was maybe like a month ago. So yeah, the corn pasta is always a hit. You're right, you're right. Okay.
Elise Hu (08:49):
Some part of the world. Yeah. And then you have had good luck, I think, with feeding your family with some of the Trader Joe's bagged frozen dinners, right? Like the kow chicken or the orange
Doree Shafrir (09:02):
Chicken. It's been a mixed bag. I did make the orange make, I did heat up the orange chicken recently and it was fine. It wasn't great, but it was fine. Those meals are also very high in sodium, so I try not to rely on them too much because I could have high blood pressure. We don't know.
Elise Hu (09:34):
Got it. You have to find out. You'll have to find out.
Doree Shafrir (09:39):
Well call, write text
Elise Hu (09:42):
With any suggestions for Dorie to break her rut.
Doree Shafrir (09:44):
Yeah, please. I need those. I I'm like writing into my own podcast with a question. That's how this works, right?
Elise Hu (09:56):
I was going to say, well, what's the point of having a podcast if you can't shout out to your own audience your questions?
Doree Shafrir (10:02):
It's so true. Okay, well Elise, let's take a little break because then we do have some questions from our listeners and before we take that break, you can write into us or call into us at (781) 591-0390. You can text us at that number. You can email us at Forever 35 podcast at gmail do com. We have our website forever 35 podcast.com. We've links there to everything we mentioned here on the show. We're on Instagram at Forever 35 podcast. We have our newsletter at Forever five podcast do com slash newsletter and you can shop our favorite products at shop my us slash forever five, and we're going to take a short break and we'll right back. We'll be right back.
(10:53)
We are back and we're still getting emails and texts and stuff about Friendship Month, which I love. So we got this email from a listener named Adrian and she said, I wanted to tell you both how much I appreciated Friendship month. I'm a new mom, and becoming a mom has really shifted the dynamics in a lot of my friendships. I had one very close friendship completely fall apart while others have strengthened. So this series came at a valuable time for me. I learned so much from all of the guests, and I enjoyed hearing the experiences of the callers and your reactions, specifically your responses to the listener whose friend is struggling with depression and anxiety were so affirming. For me, my close friendship fell apart because my friend was not addressing her role in some serious issues in her marriage and was bringing a negativity into our friendship that I wasn't able to handle at the time with everything in my own life.
(11:54)
I've felt a lot of guilt about not being able to be there for my friend when she was so clearly struggling and I've had a deep sense of grief over the loss of that relationship. I'm working to forgive myself for my own limitations and accept that I do not have infinite energy or emotional capacity to that listener. I would say if you're still having fun with this friend and are enjoying spending time with her, then great. Keep on keeping on and let your friend worry about her own problems. But if the friend's anxiety and depression are affecting your relationship, it's okay to step back. Sometimes our friend's burdens can hijack a friendship and the positive aspects of the relationship fall away. It doesn't mean you love them any less or have done anything wrong if you decide to step back with love, Adrian.
Elise Hu (12:40):
Yeah, our friendships have seasons and then there's also that old saw about people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And I have had so many friends, I was just with my college roommate and her wife at Indian Wells at the tennis tournament a couple of weeks ago, and I was just reflecting on the fact that we have been friends since we were 19, so almost 25 years now. And how over those 25 years, sometimes we were really, really close, like check in with each other every day because we had Google Chat or Google Messenger, whatever that was like in Gmail where you could Gchat and we were constantly on Gchat. And then after that platform went away, it actually changed our friendship where we just didn't check in with each other every day anymore. And then there were times where I was annoyed by this or that and pulled away myself, and we never really fully talked about it, but we just started right back up again once we saw each other again. And so it just made me reflect on this kind of conversation, this wider conversation we've been having during friendship month, just about how there's times when you're tighter, there's times when you might be disconnected for a little bit, but that doesn't mean the friendship is over. It just takes a call or a quick check-in or a connection to start it back up if you want to. But yeah, all of our situations, especially relationally, are co-created, so both people have to be in
Doree Shafrir (14:14):
And
Elise Hu (14:15):
Yeah, that was a really lovely sentiment, so thank you.
Doree Shafrir (14:19):
I think it's also, it's so hard to admit to yourself that you don't have the bandwidth or you have limitations when it comes to your capacity for friendship. That's really hard.
Elise Hu (14:36):
I had one friend right on this theme actually, I was having coffee just yesterday or the day before with a mom friend of mine, and she was saying that she felt as though one of her friendships had become one way in this way where she was giving, giving. And then the other friend was kind of taking that for granted
Doree Shafrir (14:58):
And
Elise Hu (14:58):
Then she had to pull back basically because she didn't want to continue enabling that dynamic in which it was always one way. And this friend was calling her three or four times a day to vent, and at one point she was just like, I don't think I have two young kids. I have my partner, I have all these other things going on. And it wasn't too directional. It wasn't where she could also vent. And so she was like, I think I need to step back. And I'm like, you're completely valid. You can step back. And it doesn't mean the friendship is over or anything, just take a break. There's
Doree Shafrir (15:34):
Seasons. Yep, yep, yep. Alright. And then we got another text from someone who had some questions for us. I loved your Friendship Month series, but had lingering friendship questions that did not get addressed. I have complete confidence that you two could give me your opinions or experience with these situations. One is politics. I have mostly friends that share the same political views as me, but have one friend in particular that is a vocal Trump supporter. We align on most other aspects of our lives and have the best times together, but since the election I've been avoiding this friend and feeling like I just can't reconcile this huge difference in our viewpoints. How the heck do you all navigate this second friendship issue? Can you have a friendship where your friend doesn't like or approve of your spouse? I've been on both ends of this scenario and it feels like a friendship deal breaker, but not sure Thoughts
Elise Hu (16:31):
On the Trump supporter friend. I guess I would want to know a little bit more about what kind of friend is this your closest friend of all time? Because it sounds like y'all have a lot of good times together, but this isn't your bestie either. You're like ride or die bestie. And in that case it seems like there's two choices. One is you just don't talk about politics, but if she's very vocal then I don't know how you avoid it. And then the other is that the friendship is not so close anymore because to me, my nearest and dearest have to generally be on the same operating system as me and have the same values and just believe in truth and human rights and some ideas about equity and inclusion that clearly the Trump administration is not behind and in fact trying to dismantle. And the reason why this is important to me is because I need you and my other friends to hold me accountable sometimes and provide counsel. And if I know that we don't share the same value system, yes we can still be friendly, but we'll only ever be so close because then I'd be less likely to ask you for advice, for example. And I would more likely keep things on the surface. So caller or listener, I would say you could do that. You could keep things on the surface or you could cut it off. What would you say dor?
Doree Shafrir (17:59):
Well, I also had a question which was you said we align on most other aspects of our lives lives. This feels like such a big thing that it's like I don't get how you align on most other aspects of your lives because to me, this would bleed into everything
Elise Hu (18:23):
Like bodily autonomy, reproductive rights, so many things.
Doree Shafrir (18:29):
I do kind of think that if we are in a position of privilege, it is sort of incumbent upon us to make it clear that this is not okay for our friends and you don't get to be friends with me if this is how you feel. I don't know. Do you think that's shortsighted? Do you think it's better to keep these people close so that when they, and hopefully try to change their mind, what do you think?
Elise Hu (19:06):
I don't want to be so quick to equate one person's voting position or how they stand on issues, I guess to their entire identity. Just that this is different than even Bush B Gore or something.
Doree Shafrir (19:22):
That's what I mean. This Rodney versus feels extreme Obama, right? This feels so extreme that it feels hard to have that stance. I think to me, I don't know.
Elise Hu (19:35):
Yeah,
Doree Shafrir (19:37):
So sorry. We didn't really give you
Elise Hu (19:40):
A great, so it was kind of solution, but that's the same thing stands just that you could go surface level or you can decide where your values align and don't align and then have to make a decision about the larger friendship itself.
Doree Shafrir (19:54):
Yes. Okay. And then second friendship issue. Can you have a friendship where your friend doesn't like or approve of your spouse?
Elise Hu (20:02):
Yeah, you can. I think that you might have to respect that. They'll want, that friend will want one-on-one time with you and not necessarily want to hang out with you and your spouse all the time. And if that's a deal breaker for you because it's your spouse that they may not get along with, then that will be tougher. Me and my brother actually have a situation like this because my brother's wife, so my sister-in-law and I had this major blowout at Thanksgiving in 2018, and ever since then, my sister-in-law and I try to avoid not getting, we hang out together in big groups, but we don't hang out together just for adults or something.
(20:49)
And my brother kind of knows this and he said to me after that big blow up, he was like, I can't really take your side because this is my wife and we sleep in the same bed every night. But he's like, I get it, and you two have very different personalities and think very differently on things and la la la. And he's like, so we'll just hang out. And he is like, so you're my sister, I love you. We're going to have to hang out and when we do family stuff, we'll all be together obviously. But he was like, when you and I just need to catch up the original Hughes and just catch up and we'll just hang out. And we just kind of did it that way.
Doree Shafrir (21:25):
Okay. Yeah, I agree. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker unless the nature of your friendship was like a couple's friendship and you only ever hung out as couples. But it seems to me like you could have an individual relationship with someone and not have to deal with their spouse. Okay, we are going to take another short break and we will be right back. Alright, we are back. So first I'm going to play voicemail.
Listener Voicemail (22:07):
Hi Doree, longtime, longtime calling and I'm loving all of the friendship commentary. It has obviously been a pillar for your show for many years and my top recommendation for one single activity to make friends as an adult is community theater. It covers so many of the friendship factors for in-person real time experiences. There's a layer of thrill that amplifies the bond with your cast and it is absolutely a friendship fast track after spending a few weeks or a months working with a cast. And my personal favorite part is that it's also a rare intergenerational space that depending on the show means you could be making friends with seniors or kids who are all sharing the same activity. And if you're not keen on performing, assisting backstage is also super rewarding and usually easy to access because you can never have too many volunteers to help with the show. Anyways. Thanks. Love you.
Elise Hu (23:08):
And then you have a show at the end too. You've made something that you're all proud of and it existed in time and space.
Doree Shafrir (23:14):
Totally. So I thought in addition to the friendship stuff, this was also a good, going back to things you may have loved as a kid kind of thing. A lot of us were in school plays and haven't done anything with that since then. Yeah, although waiting for Guffman was certainly inspirational.
Elise Hu (23:40):
That's one of my favorite movies. We just love all that Christopher guest stuff.
Doree Shafrir (23:44):
It's just so good. Alright, and we got this email that I also wanted to share. Hi, do and l I'm into these attempts at,
Elise Hu (24:00):
Oh yeah, the last message had the Port Manto Doris.
Doree Shafrir (24:05):
Yeah, I like that.
(24:06)
Okay. Alright. Doris's journey with tennis is really resonating with me. After my daughter was born in 2022, I needed a new physical outlet. I did hot yoga and played ultimate Frisbee post baby. I never felt like I could make it to a yoga class on time. I still played ultimate, but the timing of games generally wasn't great for also parenting. Enter indoor rock climbing a sport where you can show up whenever and won't interrupt a downward facing dog or miss half a game. I had many friends who already climbed and were varying skill levels. So at 34 and four months postpartum, I picked up a new hobby. At first it was very humbling and it often still is, but it's a sport where it is very easy to track your progress. Can you make it up a climb you couldn't before? Yay. Are you trying things in a harder difficulty level? Amazing. Now, two and a half years later, I'm fully obsessed and think about it constantly. I try to climb at least three times a week and just got back from my third ever outdoor climbing trip. Don't worry. I wore a UPF 50 shirt the whole time. Yes.
Elise Hu (25:11):
Oh good.
Doree Shafrir (25:12):
We'd love to hear it. Despite how active I've always been, I also feel like I'm in the best shape of my life. I can do pull-ups, three of them in a row. Fuck you Flexed arm hang.
Elise Hu (25:24):
Totally, totally.
Doree Shafrir (25:25):
Yes. All this is to say, Dorie, you and I are both incredible for starting something new and being unashamed about how much it means to us. All the best to both of you, Michelle. Michelle,
Elise Hu (25:38):
That
Doree Shafrir (25:39):
Is awesome. I love this for you as someone who, my upper body strength, it's just
Elise Hu (25:47):
Yes, same. Yes. I talked about this, that flexed arm hang created so much anxiety for me and my youth because it was part of the presidential physical fitness test. And then you had to just be over that bar and they would time you on how long you could do it. And I just remember sucking at that so bad. But climbing is so good for your upper body strength and your lats. My co-director on the fire documentary climbs anytime he has free time, so he'll come into LA and then get off the plane before he even gets here to meet me. He goes and climbs for a couple hours. So it's just the fact that you can just drop in on a climbing gym and just climb is what?
Doree Shafrir (26:28):
Totally. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds very cool. I will not be picking up this hobby, but that's okay. I don't need to, you have your own thing. I have tennis on a totally different note. We've gotten quite a few texts saying how great righteous gemstones is.
Elise Hu (26:52):
Walton Goggins is in it. The great Walton
Doree Shafrir (26:54):
Goggins. Yes. I mean that was what led to this whole conversation. So yeah, I actually just want to play one voicemail about this because Nate really made me laugh.
Listener Voicemail (27:08):
Oh my God. Doree. I mean I call all the time, but had to pause the pod. When you mentioned the righteous gemstones, it's the most undersold show on HBO, maybe on any network. I think it's so funny. It's so well done. John Goodman, chef Kiss, but Walton Goggins is such a gangster actor. He just does it all and he does it all well. He's the center of me and my friend's meme chats that we share all the time. So I really hope you keep watching and that you enjoy it as much as we do and okay. Bye.
Doree Shafrir (27:54):
Yay. Yay. Thank you for that. Yes, I do plan on continuing to watch, so thank you. Alright everybody, it's great getting to chat with all of you, Elise. Great getting to chat with you as always.
Elise Hu (28:15):
Excellent voicemails folks.
Doree Shafrir (28:17):
Yes. And texts, keep them coming. 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9 0. We'll talk to you soon. Take care. Bye bye. Bye.