Mini-Ep 342: Save It For Therapy
Kate and Doree delve into the magic of their TikTok algorithms and hear from listeners about being grown ass women who wear what they want, how to make child-free friends in your thirties, and moving across the street from a recent ex.
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Transcript
Kate: Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Kate Spencer.
Doree: And I'm Doree Shafrir.
Kate: And we're not experts.
Doree: We're not, but we are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.
Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability.
Doree: And please remember, we are podcast hosts. We're not experts. We always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Kate: If you wanna reach us, our voicemail number 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9 0, and our email is forever 35 podcast gmail.com.
Doree: You can visit our website forever 35 podcast.com for links to everything we mention on the show. We are on Twitter at Forever 35 pod. We're also on Instagram at February 35 podcast, and we have a Facebook group where the password is serums. You can also sign up for our newsletter@foreverfivepodcast.com slash newsletter and shop all the products we mentioned on the show, including Kates, but Care at shop my.us/forever 35. Kate, did you wanna put in a last kind of call for our giving circle?
Kate: Oh, Doree, I would love to do that. So we have had the absolute privilege of raising money for the State's project via a giving circle. The State's project focuses on local races and there races that they believe they can either win and flip a seat blue or hold a blue seat and help either kind of hold a legislature, hold a majority in that legislature. They're really amazing organization, and I think we started off early this summer trying to raise five or $10,000, maybe it was just five. And we have kept increasing our goal as you amazing listeners have kept donating. And we are currently at $47,394 and 46 cents as of this recording. And our goal is $50,000. So we are 95% of the way there.
Doree: We're so close,
Kate: And this money is going to be going to local races in Pennsylvania, Doreees College state that was voted on by participants, people who, listeners who had already donated. We had a Zoom and people we got to vote on which state and people chose Pennsylvania. So it's really exciting. This has been really something we started and has been completely listener directed. You all have just been so generous and amazing in your support and started your own giving circles via the States project. So we've been really inspired and moved by your participation. So thank you so much. And if you have not already donated or are inspired to give, again we have about a couple more weeks before donations close because we head into the midterms at the beginning of November. So we will link to the page where you can donate, you can set up a recurring donation, you can do a one time donation, it can be a donation, big or small, truly $5. I know everyone always says this and it can start to sound a little trite, but it is true that every donation really does add up. So we appreciate any support you can give.
Doree: Yes, thank you Kate.
Kate: And please make sure you're registered to vote and vote. I mean, I feel like that should go without saying, but please vote and vote in your local elections as well in the national elections, right? Yes. I've got a city council election. You do too. In our different communities here in the Los Angeles County area, <affirmative>, we have local, have city council elections, we've got a lot of local elections happening, and that is where a lot of change occurs. So please, please check in with what's going on in your local politics.
Doree: Yes, do it.
Kate: And sorry, I have a cold everybody, so I'm gonna be clearing my throat and trying to do that off mic. But if you hear some scratchiness, that's, this is just a real organic podcast. So let's kick things off here with a question for my podcast partner, Doree Chare. Someone texted us with a hot question, actually a question I'm curious about. They wrote quick question. Doree mentioned she bought roller skates but has not mentioned them since I bought skates around the same time. And I was wondering how her skating journey was going.
Doree: No, I mean, I think that that discussion made it pretty clear that I was not going to be partaking. We discussed that I am too concerned about injury.
Kate: So are you gonna sell the skates or maybe turn them into plant holders?
Doree: I think I will probably sell the skates.
Kate: I support anyone in their passions. But I have to be honest, after breaking my hand and the two surgeries I had to go through, and the fact that I'm almost a year at the year anniversary of the initial break and my hand is still not fully healed. I am very wary of certain physical activities now, I would never put on roller skates. I would never get on a skateboard. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't do that, but going through that experience and knowing how easy it is to break a bone during a lot of these things.
Doree: Totally. The amount of people I hear
Kate: Who have broken their body playing tennis and pickle ball, I'm always kinda like, so I get nervous. I mean, I wouldn't wanna stop anyone from finding their joy either, and life is short, but oof, injury is real with those things.
Doree: Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's kind of where I landed. I think I was seduced in the midst of the pandemic by all the people who had taken up roller skating at the beginning of the pandemic and a year and a half in were doing tricks and all kinds of stuff
Kate: Slipped on their skates.
Doree: Yeah, exactly. And I was like, Well, I don't think I'll be doing that, but maybe I'll be learning how to do, I don't know, I'll just be learning how to skate <laugh>. You
Kate: Could be skating between the cones the people do in Central Park, how they set up the cones and they do little cone tricks going back and forth or Yes, yes. Skating backwards.
Doree: Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Kate: Well, oh my God, I would love to know where this listener is on their journey. I also feel like roller skating did not get enough attention as a pandemic trend. We're gonna look back. I
Doree: Feel like it got a ton of attention. It
Kate: More feels like sourdough bread is kind of the punchline of
Doree: Pandemic. I see activities I
Kate: See. And I do feel like roller skating really, there haven't been as many think pieces on how roller skating became popular Again, just a thought. If anyone wants to write that think piece. And where are the skaters now?
Doree: I wonder if there is a think piece of middle-aged people taking up pandemic activities and then roller skating and then getting injured. I mean, I feel like I've seen that with trend piece written about pickleball.
Kate: <laugh>. Oh my gosh, yes. Pickleball. You can definitely injure yourself playing pickleball now, Doree, just fyi, I'm coming to this recording after two hours of pickle ball and I didn't shower and it was great. It was so much fun. We had a lesson, my group, and then we played a game together, just the four of us. We've never done that before. We've played games with our coach, but not on our own.
Doree: And
Kate: It was a blast. It was so much fun. And at one point we were like rallying or whatever it's called VOing, and I just yelled, It's happening. It's happening. Meaning we were playing. It was so dorky. Oh my God. But it charmed everybody because there's just something about my weird comments that really can woo a crowd from time to time. <laugh>. All right, Doree Enough about me and pickleball enough about roller skating. Let's take a break and come back and we'll talk about style.
Doree: Oh baby. All right, here we go. All right. We are back.
And we have an email from a listener who writes, I've been working on my own style with a working title of quote. I'm a grown ass woman. I wear what I want. The idea that I'm working with is I am a settled, grown woman who has no desire to chase after style or popularity. I wear what makes me feel comfortable, what makes me feel put together, what makes me feel sexy, what allows me to express my creativity. Or in some days I wear something without thinking too hard about why I'm wearing it. I wear my clothes for myself and not to please others or appear a certain way for the gaze of the other. We talk about body autonomy. How about style? Autonomy? I define what's important to me in the clothes I wear, whether it's the type of outfit, the kind of material, or kind of look, there's something about this grown ass woman's style, or I don't feel the pressure to keep up with new fashions or young people.
I don't have to chase what others are doing to fit in. I feel appropriately entitled to take up space in the world in whatever outfit I like. I might look at fashion for inspiration or curiosity, but I come back to a place in myself of my own style autonomy. If it all sounds like I've arrived to some magical place, I, I am a work in progress in my early forties and working towards the idea that aging means and trust yourself more while caring less and less what other people think of you. And when you care less, your style becomes more about valuing yourself, listening to your instincts, and yes, knowing what feels good on you physically, aesthetically, and emotionally. Wow.
Kate: I really appreciate this because I feel like I am getting sucked into this. This is just my TikTok algorithm, but a lot of the videos I watch are like, Hey, millennial, your clothes suck and they're out dated. If you wanna spice up your wardrobe to be on trend, here's what you need to do. They're always geared towards millennials. They forget that we exist number one generation.
Doree: Well, I mean, we are their parents' age. A lot of these people making these TikTok tos have parents in their forties. So it's like
Kate: True. I guess we're irrelevant.
Doree: We're irrelevant. We're beyond help to them.
Kate: Well, I am watching your video, so I would appreciate some acknowledgement, but this I, it's so weird, and I've been thinking about this a lot. There's this kind of obsession with Gen Z and anything goes and everybody's welcome. But then there's this super harsh narrative of you're a fucking loser if you wear skinny jeans that have a middle part. You know what I mean? It's so weird. It's, I'm surprised that there's such a tough narrative about fashion, and I don't know who it's coming from. Maybe it's other millennial fashion influencers. I just am surprised that with a generation that seems to be incredibly open minded, there is such a harsh narrative about what's cool style wise. I could also be just internalizing the messaging, and that's not what it is. But I dunno if anyone else has noticed that, but I'm just kind of intrigued by a lot of the videos I see that are basically, you wear that barn jacket and a chunky scarf, you're fucking dead to me
Doree: <laugh>. Well, I do think that fashion is an easy way of asserting your identity and your place in the world and staking out your territory very clearly. I am not like them. So I think some of that, there's some of that going on. I think some of it is trolling,
Kate: Quite honestly. Definitely. That's true. That's really true.
Doree: Good point. No, that they're getting this kind of reaction and it's funny and it probably gets a lot of views for them. You know what I mean? So I don't think we can discount the appeal that trolling holds for a lot of people. So that's another thing. The third thing is, I don't know, I'm trying to take all of this stuff with a big grain of this is just capitalism. This is just capitalism trying to get us to buy shit. And part of capitalism is making us feel like what we already have is not enough in any sense of the word, and that we need new and quote better stuff. So I just like to see these poor, young, naive gen Zers as they are just pawns of the capitalist system, and that's just too bad for them. But we're beyond that. Well,
Kate: They are all very, So I feel like they'd be very offended to hear you say
Doree: That. Well, see, that's the irony. They think, and this is, they're very anti-capitalism, but then they're just playing into the hands of capitalism.
Kate: Of course. But can any of us get out of it? We're all trapped. No,
Doree: Of course. And and I think that saying, Oh, well, there's no ethical choices. There's no ethical consumption. Under capitalism is a little defeatist. There is more ethical consumption. <laugh> under capitalism, there are degrees of things that are more ethical. Just because we are not a hundred percent ethical does not mean that we shouldn't try. On the other hand, I do find it, I do find it a little disingenuous, and I have not watched these videos, so I'm just going by what you are saying, Kate. Oh, you
Kate: Have a different algorithm than me.
Doree: Wow. I have a different algorithm. I'll get to my algorithm in a second. But yeah, I think that this is sort of the folly of youth, right?
Kate: Yeah.
Doree: And when I was 23, I also thought I knew everything. And now that I'm 45, I know that I sure as shit and don't, So that's just 23 year olds have been doing this forever. They just haven't had TikTok before.
Kate: That's a great point. We probably did this when we were 23. We just were documenting it on disposable cameras. Yes, that's fair, Doree.
Doree: Well, it follows in percent. We
Kate: Have an email from a listener that actually kind of, I think enhances what you are already saying. They wrote to us. My closet is pretty insane looking, but I love it. I was a teenager in the late nineties and fell deeply in love with vintage and thrift store shopping. However, I have also loved scouring magazines, looking at all the latest fashions as an adult. I have worked for a luxury menswear company in the past and have had access to purchasing finer clothes and have a decent collection of staple items. I have to say that despite my constant tracking of what's trendy, which I am not a huge fan of, by the way, I choose the thrift store over the mall any day walking into a thrift store or consignment shop, I might recognize a label, but there's usually no reference to what season or even what year it was developed. My imagination is running wild with limitless possibilities. I'm truly going on my instinct of what I like and not what today's style experts have decided is cool. I feel like an absolute sheep when I walk into the mall heading to the local consignment shop with my mom on Wednesday. I mean, I'm a bit of a sheep because I do love 'em all,
Doree: And I don't think there's anything wrong necessarily with loving a mall. If you love a consignment store, then that's also great.
Kate: Can I bring up another TikTok video I saw, and I promise this is not just gonna be TikTok recap for over 35, but I saw something and I died of lol. Someone shared a video from Refer Reformations, like Vintage store <affirmative>, and it was pieces from Express for $130. And I was cackling I
Doree: That's so funny.
Kate: <affirmative>.
Doree: That's so funny.
Kate: Yep. So just be wary of where you get your vintage and what you're paying. Oh
Doree: My gosh. Of course. They're charging obscene markups
Kate: Stuff for limited and express
Doree: 1299.
Kate: I know, I know. All right. Well, I mean, think this is a really interesting conversation and this has been something we've been talking about since day one here, and I really appreciate just the evolution of the conversation about style and fashion and consumerism. It's really been interesting.
Doree: Me too. And I'm still thinking about it.
Kate: Oh my God, same a hundred percent. And I mean, we've talked about it. I Doree, you saw my mountain of packages.
Doree: I did Kate,
Kate: I ordered so much share and I returned most of it. But it was it. I was possessed to.
Doree: Why do you think that that was about, Did you have anxiety or?
Kate: I think it was cuz I was going on a trip and I was trying to find things I needed, but it's like that I play this game with myself. You were just saying where I don't think the things I already have will work. I dunno. I'll save it for therapy. Yes.
Doree: I mean, I told you, remember when I was trying to find the perfect quote belt bag?
Kate: Oh my gosh, <laugh>. Yes, of course.
Doree: Yeah. So I get it. I get it. All right, let's take another little break and we'll be right back.
All right. We are back with an email. Hi. I just listened to your interview with Dr. Marissa Franco and wanted to write in with a friend question. My very best adult friend just got married and is currently pregnant, and I'm very anxious about the status of our friendship. I feel like we've been drifting apart mostly on her end in the last few months because of her life changes. And I fear it'll get worse once she has a baby. How do I know when I should pull away to save my mental slash emotional health and when to continue to put the effort into our friendship? Also, I'm very frustrated that it seems everyone puts way more effort into romantic relationships than working to maintain their friendships. Also, where does a girl in her thirties make other child free friends? Nothing against children, but I feel like I should probably make some more child free friends law.
Kate: I think you need to communicate with your friend <affirmative>. It's your very best friend. So if you feel like you've been drifting apart and it's mostly on her end, I think you should just communicate and not do so in a way that's like, you've been ditching me, but just talk about it
Doree: <affirmative>.
Kate: And I think I would love to know how this is impacting you because you said, How do I know when I should pull away to save my mental emotional health? Okay. I think, honestly, my point of view is that really good friendships are self sustain, and you do have to put the work into them, but I think they are like they're a cactus. They sometimes don't need a lot of water to grow. I think a good friendship is a hearty plant. What I'm thinking about my very best adult friends, some who have kids, some who don't, but I was the first of my core friend group to have kids. And they might have pulled away in their own way and developed other relationships and done other things, but they didn't walk away from the friendship. And I think there can be an understanding if this is how you wanna proceed, that friendships ebb and flow.
And this might be a time where this person's focus is not on your friendship, but it doesn't mean that they don't care. I can say that having a kid can be harrowing in so many ways, an impact a person's life in a way that is hard to articulate in a way that they might not ar might not realize. They might not even be conscious of the fact that they're distracted or pulling away. So I definitely think it's worth you talking to them about it. But also if this is a friendship that feels sustainable to you, knowing that you can pull away and you'll come back to it. There can be sometimes in your lives where you're not talking every day. And I think it's a great idea to make or to explore friendships with other people. And I will say on the other end of things, I do think people with kids, I imagine I have kids, so I don't totally know, but they become really fucking annoying when they have kids.
I have sat around and with other people with kids and just talked about kids for five hours, and there's one person who doesn't have kids, and it's like, this is so annoying to them, I imagine. So I would say, where does a girl in her thirties make other child free friends? Now, that's a great question. I think some of the places we talked about work, I don't know, connecting with someone who's an acquaintance and hitting them up for a deeper friendship, asking them out on a friend date, joining a book club, joining a meetup or a Facebook group in your community and seeing if anybody wants to be a walking partner. Those kind of things, I think is where it happens. Okay. Doree, I'm gonna shut my pie hole. Do you have anything to add here,
Doree: <laugh>? Well, my only thought about where does a girl in her thirties make other child free friends is? Well, I have a couple of thoughts. One is if you are religious or you have any attachment to any sort of religion, I know that people make friends at churches, at synagogues at other sort of organized events or locations. Locations. You know what I mean? So that is an option. I always just wanna bring that up because I know that it works for a lot of people. Whether or not you can find friends at church or synagogue. I think getting involved in any sort of organized activity is a great way to make friends. I made friends at a group tennis class sign up for stuff. I took my son to the park over the weekend and there were three kickball games going on with multiple teams of seemingly young looking like 20, 30 somethings. I'm sure at least some of them did not have children. Take a ceramics class, take an art class, volunteer. Just get out there and do stuff and meet people, and you will find those people, I promise.
Kate: Has anyone tried Bumble bff? I'd be curious. It's like Bumble for friends.
Doree: Yeah, I've seen people talking about it in various Facebook groups and almost no one has actually met a friend. <laugh> like an actual friend. But that's not to say that it can't happen, of course.
Kate: All right. Well, Doree, let's just pop off this last question here before we wrap things up. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of six years because he was not emotionally mature enough to continue into the next steps of our relationship. So I know it was not the best situation for me to be in. Unfortunately, we were living together for a few years and I was not working for about eight months prior to the breakup because I was trying to finish up college by going full time. He'd agreed to take care of all the expenses and that I can use my money for my personal payments, like my car and insurance. I did not have enough money to move into an apartment right away, so I asked some close friends and neighbors if they would be willing to make an accommodation for me and are across the street neighbor. Agreed. Even though this is truly a blessing and she is a glorious human being, living across the street from my ex has been nothing short of infuriating. My question to you both is how would you go about creating some distance? I'm having trouble separating myself from him and his family. Parenthesis. He lives in his family home with his sister full-time and parents halftime, and yes, it was terrible living there, even though it wasn't the best situation for me. Any advice on keeping the distance anything helps
Doree: This? Okay. I know that you say you didn't have enough money to move into an apartment right away, and so you've been living across the street. I would do whatever you can in your power to move,
Kate: Saving that money.
Doree: Whether or not you are doing this deliberately, there's some element of your subconscious that is maintaining a connection to this person by living across the street from him. I think you need to get the fuck out of there.
Kate: I'm just nodding. Yeah, <laugh>. I think that's the only actual solution is I would sit down and look at a calendar and I would make a budget and I would look at what if you're still, I don't know if you're still in school full time, I'm not sure of course, what your work and school and financial situation is, but I do agree with Doree in that if you can figure out a way to sit safely and sustainably move and not go into debt I would do that because not only is he across the street, but his sister and his parents, that's a triple whammy. And this is, even if he wasn't there, you're still staring at the place that you lived in your old relationships. So I think that is going to be really healing for you to have your own space that truly separates you from him and his family.
And if you're not able to do that right now, my suggestion to you would be spend as little time as you can there as possible. Don't make that, don't cozy up and make it your home. I would get out there on the town, go to school, go to work, find an activity, and just keep, literally keep physical distance because that seems like the biggest thing right now, right? It's physical dis. And if any reason he is still financially you, were still financially bound to him. Start making a plan to cut that tie. I can't tell cuz it says he'd agreed to take care of all the expenses so you could use your money on personal payments. So I don't know if you are all still financially connected to this person, but I think that would be another very powerful way of separating yourself so that you are not relying in any way on them. I know it's very easy for us to just be like, Go get money, go get a job. But if there are practical ways for you to do that in your life please do it. Please do it. And just also ignore them. Yes. Just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore.
Doree: Yes.
Kate: Don't engage.
Doree: All right. Who? Well, Kate, it's been real. It's been real TTYL. Bye.