Mini-Ep 322: The Name of the Game

Kate is now into infrared saunas and “Doctor Doree” dons her stethoscope to diagnose Kate’s long Covid symptoms. Then, they hear from listeners about gender-reveal parties and changing your last name.

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Transcript

 

Kate: Hello, and welcome to forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Kate Spencer

Doree: And I am Doree Shafrir

Kate: And we are not experts.

Doree: No, we're not. But we are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.

Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you. We share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the

Doree: Absolute,

Kate: Best of our ability.

Doree: That being said, please remember, we are a podcast host, we're not experts. We always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.

Kate: If you would like to reach us, you can send us a text or leave us a voicemail at 7 8 1 5 9 1 3 90. You can also email us or send us a voice memo forever podcast, gmail.com

Doree: Indeed. And you can visit our website forever five podcast.com for links to everything we mention on the show. Follow us on Twitter at forever 35 pod on Instagram at forever 35 podcast. Join the forever 35 Facebook group Facebook com slash groups slash podcast. The password is new newsletter and you can also checks.

Kate: Mm mm. Mm. Why am I making this noise?

Doree: I, I don't know.

Kate: <laugh> I honestly don't know. So Doree. Yes. Think I'm getting into infrared saunas.

Doree: Okay. Let's talk about this.

Kate: Okay. Now

Doree: The you're not new to infrared saunas, correct? Like you've this is something you've done before.

Kate: Yes I have, but I am revisiting them because, and it anecdotally other folks who have been dealing with long COVID, which I suspect I might have, um, have liked them in terms of like things that are helping them heal. Mm-hmm <affirmative> mm-hmm <affirmative> now it's a little confusing because like long COVID is like, it's like a snowflake, right? It's like different for everybody. Like no too long CS seem the same as far as I can tell

Doree: Right now, I don't think we've talked about, I don't think we've talked about the fact that you think you might have long COVID on this podcast. Surprise to our listeners. I could expert

Kate: By expert

Doree: Expert doctor, doctor,

Kate: Doctor, with so many medical degrees. Dr. Doree Dore. <laugh> should we tell the folks at home how this came, how you came to diagnose me with COVID yeah, let's do that. Let's also preface this by saying I have since seen my nurse practitioner and she also was like, let's assume that that's what this is right now. Uh, but that was after Dr. Doree diagnosed me. I posted in a Facebook group that Doree and I are both in, and I honestly did not. This did not even Dawn on me that what might be going on with my body is related at all to having COVID that did not even Dawn on me. I just listed all these things that about kind of how I have been feeling. I have just not been feeling good. In fact, I think I said I don't feel good. Um, and part of that is because, you know, I've, it's been over two months since I first had COVID my cough hasn't gone away.

I'm still really can get really congested. Um, my menstrual men Stal or menstrual listeners, you decide which one you wanna hear cycle has been completely disrupted in a way that really freaked me out. Um, and you know, I I'm 43. So the immediate response to that is always like para menopause, but I've had my hormone panels done recently and that, and I've also had a reg like such a frighteningly regular cycle for years that this really threw me off. Um, I'm lethargic. I have brain fog. I have weird moments of pain, certain parts of my body. So I posted all these things and I was just like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Like, I don't understand, like, do, should I, am I just complaining about dumb shit? Like sh what's wrong, I'm tired all the time. Like, et cetera, et cetera. And then in the comments who showed up, but our dear friend, Dorees chare <laugh> and she said, this sounds a lot like what I've heard other people describe as have you thought about that? And I said, no, I, and then a few other people chimed in and said, this could, this sounds long. COVID so low and behold, that is kinda what I think might be going on.

The other thing that's been happening is I'm getting, I'm not digesting food. Well, I've been getting heart like really bad heartburn, a lot. Um, all these things on their own could just be like, whatever. These are also things that could be a symptom of a million other things, you know? So it's very confusing and I tend to be the kind of person that worries, like I'm, I don't wanna seem like I'm overreacting so

Doree: Well, you know, you, you had kinda, you had mentioned the period thing to me

Kate: That really freaked me out and is still freaking me out to be honest,

Doree: But I hadn't really, like, I didn't know about all of your other symptoms until I saw them kind of laid out like that. And that's when I was like, wait a second. And also, I mean, the fact that you had COVID two months ago, you know, um, that I was like, again, not a doctor, although I did successfully diagnose someone else's child with hand and mouth disease based on a photo on a Facebook group. But anyway, um,

Kate: We don't endorse doing this, but

Doree: Doree has done it. No, but I have, um, yeah, I was just, you know, because it, it pinged for me because I recently saw a friend and she had COVID I wanna say in February and we, mm. And we, um, we were going to a concert together and we were hanging out before the concert. And she was like, I don't know if I've told you about this, but I have long COVID. And I was like, oh my God, no. And so, and she told me about what had been going on with her. And a lot of the things that she described were very similar to what Kate was describing. And I was like, Hmm, like this is, this at least feels like something that you should look into as a possible cause. So that was just sort of where that was coming from. Um,

But yeah, I mean, you know, we, we talked about this a bit on our episode with Taylor Lawrence, but, um, I feel like people really don't understand long COVID and like you said, it's kind of a snowflake where like, oh yeah, the symptoms are well in COVID itself. Also, I feel like manifests differently in different people. Totally. It's such a sneaky illness. Um, and you know, I think there's probably going to be a lot of people who are going to be dealing with this who are already dealing with this and who might not like, realize what's wrong with them.

Kate: Yeah. And I, I think like one thing too, that I guess I'd never thought about is that I, I, I have this feeling where I was like, oh my, these, this isn't that bad, you know, like, I don't wanna say, cause what you hear about long COVID is it sounds, some people like cannot get out of bed. You know, some people are really, really sick with it and I'm not like I'm functioning just fine. So I didn't. So, you know, it's that like, kind of like, well, just, you know, suck it up that mentality, which in a lot of ways I was raised with that kind of like cares if you're sick, you're going to school. Right. Kind of, you know, like,

Doree: Yeah, totally, totally.

Kate: So I it's hard for me to ever be like, I don't feel good and it might be something. Um, but I'm now looking into, you know, there are long COVID kind of clinics. Luckily we live in a city with a lot of medical institutions. Um, but yeah, there's no like there's no regimen. And so I've gone now deep into long COVID like Facebook groups and articles, which also you all have to take that with a hundred million grains of salt, right. Because people are getting all sorts of remedies. And this is when you start getting into the like wellness rabbit hole, which is a very dark place. So I understand that an infrared sauna may be a placebo experience and it may be doing nothing. There are studies that have shown that it can have an impact on certain ailments and lots of people and posting about their long COVID recovery have been infrared sauna. So I just basically used it as an excuse to go sit in an infrared sauna. I was like, oh, maybe I have this off. I go by everybody. Which also it's hilarious cuz it's like a million degrees here. Right.

Doree: Infrared, sauna, just sit outside and put some red lights on yourself.

Kate: <laugh> yeah. Like I could just sit outside in my yard and sweat, but it's a different kinda

Doree: Sweat. No, totally, totally. I've never done it. So it's interesting to hear about it.

Kate: Well, I will say I like it and afterwards I actually felt, I felt really good. I felt relaxed. I almost felt like I had a massage. My parts of my body were feeling better. I read my current romance book in the sauna, which was really nice. Just 30 minutes of, you know, unbroken reading times and learn all about the or romance that I'm reading. So that is, yeah. That's, that's what I'm into. I mean, I guess I feel, I'll be honest. I feel kind of vulnerable talking about this because I still don't. I, I have a hard time like allowing myself to lean into not being well.

Doree: Yeah.

Kate: But if anyone has experienced L COVID in their own way and wants to chat about it, shoot us in a email or a, a VM or a text because I feel it's very confusing. Like when you, and then you Google it and it's just like, there's just not a lot of information or all the information is like whack a doodle, you know, mm-hmm

Doree: Mm-hmm

Kate: <affirmative> and it's all anecdotal. It's all people just trying things. It's all like, you know, oh, the other thing I'm the other thing I'm doing is I'm trying to, uh, eat in an anti-inflammatory way.

Doree: Okay.

Kate: Which is tricky for me because food is always tricky for me. So that's, that's something I'm also, you know, and I, and I'm also speaking to my nutritionist about how to go about doing that in a way that is healthy.

Doree: This is a lot Kate

Kate: It's a lot, I mean, essentially long COVID from what I understand, it's an autoimmune disorder, right? Yeah. So I've been talking to other friends who have other autoimmune diseases, um, like fibromyalgia Hashimotos, you know, just to kind of understand what that means, cuz I've never dealt with an autoimmune thing before,

Doree: Have you? And this is what no, but this is what, um, you know, Megan, O'Rourke Megan O book is about this.

Kate: I should go back and reread that book actually.

Doree: Yeah. And she also talks about, you know, kind of the frustration of having all of these symptoms that don't necessarily add up to a recognizable diagnosis, but feeling like off in her body.

Kate: Totally. That's totally what it is. I, I feel so I have felt so off. Yeah. It's felt like I don't know how to be in my body right now. If something feels wrong. It's really weird.

Doree: Yeah.

Kate: Anyway, that's what's up with me? Sorry to be such a downer.

Doree: No, it's okay. I'm glad we're talking about this.

Kate: Then. There's a part of me too. That like is like, is this all in my head? Am I making it up? Which is literally just my own internalized patriarchal beliefs,

Doree: You know? Well, I mean, I think, I think that like, this is also something Megan writes about is like this feeling like you're being gaslighted by yourself.

Kate: <laugh> yes. Uh, totally. I'm gaslighting myself.

Doree: So yeah.

Kate: Well, you know, on a, on a different note, Doree, we have, we have some fun topics to talk about with listeners today.

Doree: We do. I'm excited to get into it.

Kate: Yeah. So maybe we take a break, we take a pause let's we'll and friends.

Doree: All right. So, you know, the, the topic of gender reveal parties certainly did not, uh, lead to as many listener emails and voicemails and texts as our previous episode of, you know, our previous mini up about debt did. But we did hear from quite a few people, um, about this.

Kate: Yeah. Take it

Doree: Away. So, um, alright. Here is a first email writing in to share some additional thoughts on gender reveal parties, but totally understand if you wanna leave this topic B no, we do not. Um, first of all, I completely understand the perspective of the listener and you both, when it comes to these parties before I got pregnant, can I felt the exact,

Kate: Can I interject? I'm sorry. Yes. The listener, the listener that we heard from is non-binary yes. Is it, and, and really does not feel comfortable with the entire concept of gender reveal parties and was asking how to approach that, knowing that they have friends who will, who will be, or are pregnant and possibly having these parties. Sorry, I just wanted to add

Doree: That. No, no, thank you for that reminder. Um, when I found out I was pregnant, we were so excited to tell our families, especially since for my parents and siblings, this was the first time they would be grandparents slash uncles slash S we thought of cute ways to tell them, and couldn't wait to hit that 12 week mark, where we decided we would be comfortable sharing the news. Then the morning sickness hit and hit hard. I became so sick in the first trimester and had to completely miss every dinner slash gathering cetera for nearly two months because of this, we decided to tell our immediate families early, instead of it being purely happy news, when we told them it was more along the lines of, I am so sick and need support on top of this, one of my tests revealed I was a genetic carrier for a disease.

And in addition to feeling so sick, I was so stressed, waiting for the follow up results because of this. We decided to do additional testing. And as a result found out the sex of the baby around the 14 week mark, even though I went into pregnancy thinking, these were the weirdest parties ever, when we re received the news, I kind of felt like, could this be a Doover to share the news with our family, we decided to get a cake revealing the sex and invited only immediately immediate family to quote, find out and just be together to celebrate the pregnancy. Around this time, my anti-nausea meds also started really working. We kept the whole thing off social media only shared the news afterwards with friends and family who specifically said they wanted to know and gave our family an out in the casual invite in case they did not wanna participate.

We also made it really clear why we had changed. Our mind said this felt like some news we could share with them in person and have a redo on the pregnancy reveal for us. The actual gender reveal was a pretty small and insignificant part of the small gathering. I'm not sharing this, trying to defend myself for my choices or back door description of these parties as being disgusting, but more to say for anyone considering a gender reveal party, to make sure you understand why the milestone is important to you, and also be conscientious of your friends and family and what they might be struggling with, infertility, gender identity, et cetera, and give them out and out and to think carefully before you slash this news and any pregnancy news, really all over social media. Basically my advice here is to quote, not be an asshole, but also just wanted to share this perspective. Since I get that learning the sex of the baby often comes after a period of immense physical and emotional stress in pregnancy. And it's hard not to be excited. Sorry, this is so long. Just listen respectful with this

Kate: Really interesting food for thought here.

Doree: What

Kate: It's. So I had, I had actually had the genetic carrier thing come up in my testing. Um, and we found out my, my husband did not. So that was, he had to come in and get tested for this one genetic disease. Uh, but I under, and also my first pregnancy, especially I, I spotted a ton and there was a, a period where like, it was just kind of like, is the child growing? Like it was just, there's just so much emotional stuff happening. And then the physical aspect of being pregnant is exhausting. You know, and I, I guess like the, this idea, I think it's, I think it can be so important to celebrate this, if that is, is necessary for you. I just am I still struggle with why genders is made a part of it at all.

Doree: Okay. This is where I, Kate. Okay. This listener even writes the actual gender reveal was a pretty small and insignificant part of the small gathering. Then why do it, I mean like why make that, why make that any part of the gathering?

Kate: Honestly, I I'm, I'm confident and I don't, I, gender reveal parties are all fueled by Instagram and social media. Like I don't think, but this

Doree: Said they kept it off social media.

Kate: I understand. And, but just the,

Doree: You mean the influence? Yes. Yes.

Kate: The inception, when I had a child in 2010, I do not recall this being a thing

And right. And I believe it is only because our lives are now so performative and these gender reveal parties have been turned into these like spectacles and there's an action that takes place and a reveal, you know, it's a story like there's a beginning, middle and end, and people love to consume those. So I, I don't, I just think like this didn't exist and sometimes things that didn't exist do exist now because of social media. And I'm like, great. And other times that happens and I'm like, there's still no need. And that's where I land on the idea of gender reveal parties. There's just, just, just tell everybody what the baby baby's assigned gender is, you know, just tell

Doree: And like, I, you know, I feel like if you want have a party to celebrate the pregnancy, have a party to celebrate the pregnancy, call it a second trimester party. Yeah. Call it, like call it, whatever the fuck you want. But like, I just, I just, I guess I I'm I'm with you Kate. Like I just don't see why the gender has to be any part of it at all. So, and you know, the other thing that I guess I would say like, is like, you know, you say this felt like some news we could share with them in person, like, like, Hey, like you just said, you can still share the news

Kate: Mm-hmm <affirmative> mm-hmm <affirmative>

Doree: I just don't think it requires it to be a gender reveal party or there to be a cake or that to be the, the centerpiece of, or the, the motivation for the party. I guess I would just like urge everyone to just kind of reconsider their thinking on this and like reconsider their impulse to make that choice. So,

Kate: Yeah. And even, you know, I, I, I was wrong. Gender reveal, the first quote, like documented gender reveal party was in 2008 and the blogger who documented it, like now regrets. It <laugh>,

Doree: You know? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I forgot about that, but yeah. Right.

Kate: Remember that they wrote a whole piece on it.

Doree: Yes, totally. Totally. So

Kate: Well should hear from another listener.

Doree: Yes. Short and sweet <laugh>. Um, this listener wrote agree with everything you had to say. And just one more thing, even if this is a thing, no one cares more about the gender of your baby than you literally no one save us all the annoyance of having to fake enthusiasm. <laugh>

Kate: Salty.

Doree: Oh gosh. This really gave me a chuckle.

Kate: I actually disagree with this listener. Yes. There are people who care more and they're the people of older generations who kind of cling to this stuff a little bit more than the younger generations do

Doree: Good

Kate: Pointers. I'm you? Uh, yeah. I mean, I, I think there is a lot of, um, pressure to pinhole a baby's identity pinhole to pinpoint, to pinpoint a baby's identity and to then create this baby's existence before it's born, based on what that assigned gender is. And a lot of, I imagine there's also pressure to have these parties from other people in one's life. You know, maybe it's not important to you, but maybe it is important to one of your parents or your in-laws or who knows, you know? All right.

Doree: All right. One last text, before we take a break cat Andor I would like to tack onto your rant about gender reveal parties, which I totally agree with by the way, but I hate the phrase 10 fingers and 10 toes. My daughter was born with a limb difference. She was born without her left hand. Not all babies are born with 10 fingers and 10 toes. And my daughter is beautiful. Just the way she is. We can celebrate babies, no matter their gender or how many limbs they have.

Kate: Definitely.

Doree: This also reminds me, um, you know, when Chris Pratt posted about having a healthy baby,

Kate: Oh God, we've never uttered his name on this podcast.

Doree: I know. I'm sorry. Um, it's okay. I forgive. And now he's, now he's like, come out, like all like, whining about how he was like attacked for that. It's like, he's the worst. I'm sorry. Um, anyway, um, and his child with his first wife, Anna Faris, um, you know, was born with some, uh, disabilities, which from my understanding, and I, I have also kind of, um, been learning more about saying things like, I just hope the baby's healthy,

Kate: Interesting convo door.

Doree: Very interesting. I think so, too.

Kate: All right. Well, shall we take a break and come back with a, a slight shift in gears, although one that is still kind of about family and expectation.

Doree: Yeah. Let's do that.

Kate: All right. Hello, Doree.

Doree: Hello Kate.

Kate: Here's an email we received. I was listening to the most recent mini where there's a discussion of name changing. And I have a question for something that has come up lately in my family. I also did not change my name. And when we had kids, it really bothered me to not have my name included. I grew those babies and I did all the shots for IVF. I want my identity represented. I lobbied hard for a double barreled last names, both our last names. No hyphen. I think this is a really nice compromise and way to include both my husband and myself, but the downside is our kids have different last names from both of us and their last names are very long and people pretty regularly still just remove my last name and use my husbands. This has happened several times recently with my toddler. Most recently yesterday when he received a birthday present address to him using only my husband's name. And it makes me so mad. Am I overreacting? Should I care less about what last name people use on your last name?

Doree: Hmm. I don't think you're overreacting.

Kate: Yeah. I don't think so. People do this to me. I never, I didn't take my husband's last name and I still get letters addressed to Kate king, which is a very nice name. It's just not my name.

Doree: I gonna nice name. Um, yeah, definitely have gotten, uh, things addressed to miss Matt, Myra, and I'm like, Nope, not my name. Sorry. <laugh> yeah. I don't think this is overreacting. Um, I don't think you need to care less about what last name people use. It's not the, it's not their correct name. Um, I, but all that said, I kind of decided not to hyphenate partly because of this. And I just like, didn't wanna have to make my kid deal with a hyphenated last name, but like, that was just my decision. So, um, I don't know, Kate, what about you?

Kate: Honestly? I didn't really care much about what last name my kids had. We just went with my husbands, I think just because that is what society told me to do just was like, okay. I just, I don't care. You know, I, I don't know why this did not. This didn't feel like a, this did not for whatever reason. Wasn't a thing that I, that I was, you know, up about. But I do have so many different friends and my kids have different friends who have done really unique things with last names. Combining last names, creating new last names, giving one kid one parent's last name and another kid, a different parent's last name giving in a heterosexual relationship. The kids, the wife's last name. I mean, I've, I've seen all of it and I think it is all fine. And I also think it is appropriate to correct people, the same way of someone. And it it's unfortunate that it falls on you the same way that when someone mispronounces a name, it falls on the name owner to cha to correct people, you know? Um, and I think it's valid. You know, our names are a big part of our identity in a lot of ways, or if it is a big part of your identity, I think you, you are right in your desire to have people get it right?

Doree: Yep. That's where

Kate: I stand. All right. Well, you wanna hear from this other listener, Doree, I, I would love

Doree: To

Kate: Listen to you

Doree: All righty. So as a text, I took my husband's last name. My parents are divorced and my mom went back to her maiden name. So I really grappled with the legacy of the patriarchal system and feelings of disconnect with my last name. I preferred to choose to take my partner's name rather than stick to the name from my dad's side of the family. I also thought about it first by myself, then talked to my partner and he was a hundred percent supportive of either way. I went on the decision, but there's a part of me that is happy. He was happy. I took his name that we were choosing together and I kept my maiden name as my middle name. And we were giving our first child due in November, my maiden name as their middle name. Like you both said, every person should do whatever feels right to them. And that's different for every person. Lots of love to the listener. And you both from Wisconsin.

Kate: Okay. Point taken

Doree: Mm-hmm <affirmative> and now for a counterpoint,

Kate: Here we go. Love a counterpoint to the listener who asked about changing their last name. Don't do it all caps. If you're questioning it all just don't. I didn't wanna change my last name. I hyphenated because my partner wanted me to change my name. It never felt like my name. Then we divorced and I changed my name back as fast as possible. I will never change my name again. Don't change your name.

Doree: I really appreciated this perspective. I

Kate: Mean, I mean, yeah.

Doree: You know, strong feelings, people have strong feelings.

Kate: I really appreciate this.

Doree: So listen, thank you to everyone who wrote in about both of these topics. God, we, we appreciate you. Yeah. We, we liked hearing all of these perspectives and.

 
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