Mini-Ep 340: Carry On My Workplace Friend
Kate shares a rave review and Doree’s bag goes on a trip across the country without her. Then they hear from listeners about why “fanny pack” doesn’t sell well overseas, the good and the bad of making friends at work, and personal stories of elopement.
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Transcript
Kate: Hello and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Kate Spencer,
Doree: And I'm Doree Shafrir,
Kate: And we are not experts.
Doree: It's true. But we are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums,
Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability
Doree: Indeed. But please do remember, we are podcast hosts. We're not experts. We always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Kate: In Indeed, we do Doree. But if you would like to reach us, which we hope you do, our voicemail and text number is 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9 0, and our email is Forever 35 podcast@gmail.com.
Doree: Indeed. And if you wanna check out everything that we mention on the show, you can do that at Forever 35 podcast.com. We're on Twitter Forever 35 Pod on Instagram at 35 podcast, and you can join the Forever 35 Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/five podcast. Our newsletters at 35 podcast.com/newsletter, and you can shop all the products we mentioned on the show at shop my.us/forever five. I also do just wanna mention our balance bound Forever 35 collab. If you haven't gotten your DO'S hotel set, what are you waiting for?
Kate: What are you even doing here? What are you doing? No, I mean, you're welcome here no matter what obviously, but recommend it for sure.
Doree: Indeed.
Kate: Okay. Doree
Doree: Kate.
Kate: Off the air. I was just telling you that I received my Lululemon Everywhere belt bag and mm-hmm. <affirmative>. I am sending it back. I'm sending it back. Okay.
Doree: All right. Well wait, you're sending one of them? You got two and you're sending
Kate: One of them large? Oh, no. Well, I'm giving, I'm selling one to friend. Yes, selling one. Yeah. I'm getting rid of both. I'm not keeping either of them. I'm had a moment where I had to say to myself, Do you really need, these do need them? And so I'm going to send them both back. But then as I told you, I now was having a moment of panic where I thought maybe I do really need it <affirmative>. But I think, again, as I feel like I keep bringing up, I am really, I don't know, just kind of tap into consumerism, consumerist Kate a little bit and just trying to think about what I really need also, because I've become obsessed with a different bag and I need to talk about it. But maybe we'll do that later.
Doree: Okay. I'll tell you
Kate: What, its
Doree: Yeah, I
Kate: Do. Okay. It's the water bottle holder from Calak Travel.
Doree: Oh my gosh,
Kate: Doree, You cannot imagine how great this bag is.
Doree: I'm listening. I wanna hear more.
Kate: Okay, look, I went to Disney World with my family for a week, and one thing I made sure we each had was some sort of water bottle holder carrying case over the shoulder thing. I thought I was gonna be a fanny pack wear, but then I was like, It's very humid, I'm gonna need water. So I bought this cow pack water bottle holder in cheetah print. It's $42. And what makes it so fantastic is that it not only holds your water bottle and it's insulated, but it comes with pouches all along the edges that you can stuff with stuff plus a zippered pouch where you could put your phone or your money. This thing, I wore it every day for 13 hours a day. It's so comfortable. And the problem with a fanny pack is that it does not hold a water bottle. And I, as we all know, find hydration to be necessary. This bag, I cannot endorse it enough. I need to shout it from the rooftops. So I loved this bag. I absolutely loved it. I will use it again for travel, for walks. It's absolutely fantastic. Highly recommend, heavily endorsed. Anyway, that's all I gotta say about that.
Doree: I might need this
Kate: Bag, Doree. Trust me, when I say you do,
Doree: How big of a water bottle does it hold?
Kate: Well, I carried a 20 ounce, This is another thing I had to really practice, but it could carry easily. I tried a 32 ounce and it carried it easily. Whoa. Yeah, it's a really great bag. And it is very sold out. There are two colors available right now. I suspect other people are aware of this, of how functional this bag is. <affirmative> <affirmative>. But I cannot recommend it for if you're going on a walk or a hike or out for the day, or if you are in some place like touring a museum or it just carried everything in a really compact, smart, easy way. So I was able to tuck a poncho, my sunglasses, a sun, tiny sunscreen, hand sanitized. Oh, I also could
Doree: Pawn things to
Kate: It. Put it, Yeah. I put a plastic poncho in one of the pockets. This is what I'm saying, this, Yes. But it never felt bulky. It kept everything really compact. And I attached a little carabiner to it so I could clip on a scrunchy, and I clipped on a hand sanitizer to it. It's a really well designed, intuitive, useful bag when you get a bag and then you're like, This thing is good. This thing is really good. Read the reviews on their website. It's just five stars after five stars.
Doree: I need to ask you about another cow pack product that I've seen you raving about.
Kate: I'm here. I'm ready.
Doree: You also get a toiletries bag from
Kate: Them. I did, and I recommended it in the newsletter. Who knew I was gonna become a that right Cal pack? Yes. Stand. Learned about Calak from Caroline Moss. It's that the toiletry bag, the compact toiletry bag. It's fantastic. <affirmative> <affirmative>, absolutely fantastic. Their stuff is really, again, intuitive, useful, well made travels well, and you actually open it up and you're like, Oh, I understand what this compartment is for. And it does its job. Not like, why is this weird pocket here? I don't need a pen in this fanny pack. Like what?
Doree: Right.
Kate: I also have their luggage packing cubes. I've become a real
Doree: Cow pack. Oh, okay. You're a little bit of a cow pack stand.
Kate: I think I'm a lot of a cow pack stand. I'm definitely going to keep looking at their other products.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: Anyway. Wow. I know you've been looking for a backpack. I would give their
Doree: Stuff a look. You know what, Kate? I'm gonna tule it on over because you
Kate: Take that journey.
Doree: Did I tell everyone about my baboon to the moon experience? I think I had.
Kate: You told me about it.
Doree: Well, I think I had mentioned that I had ordered the stuff, but I didn't give my review. So I ordered a backpack and a belt bag from Baboon to the moon. This company that I had heard about, and their stuff was kind of nicely basic <affirmative>. I mean, just very, everything seemed very practical, but also thoughtfully designed, and everything was kind of in cool, fun colors. And I was like, Great, this will solve my backpack issue and my belt bag issue. So I ordered a backpack in a belt bag, and I paid $25 for expedited shipping. They did not ship it in an expedited manner. <laugh>.
Kate: Oh,
Doree: Yeah. So I actually got the $25 refunded, and then they were like, Oh yeah, sorry. It took us, And I was like, Okay, fine, whatever. Then it seemed to be taking an extra long time. And I was like, What is happening? And then I checked the tracking and it was in Tulsa, Oklahoma <laugh>,
Kate: Come on.
Doree: And I was like, How did it end up in Tulsa? So I called FedEx and they were like, Oh, they claim that baboon to the moon changed the address on the package. Baboon to the moon was like, We didn't change the address. Who knows what actually happened? Wow.
Kate: This is a bit of a drama.
Doree: It was kind of a drama. But the fact of the matter was, I did not have the backpack or the belt bag. And then they were like, We're sorry, we can send it back out to you. However, the backpack is now sold out in the color that you ordered. And I was like, God damn it. And the colors they had left were just not anything that I was that interested in. So I was like, That's annoying. At the grand scheme of things, who cares? Not the end of the world. But it was just sort of a frustrating experience when you find something that you think is gonna be the thing, of course. And then it, for whatever reason, is either disappointing or ends up in Tulsa. So whoever in Tulsa got my backpack and money.
Kate: Oh, I hope they love it. I
Doree: Hope it, Hope you're enjoying it. So I don't have a backpack, so I'm going to check out these calak backpacks and I will report back pack.
Kate: Right. Well, and then I'll stop. Calak also makes a 26 liter backpack duffle, similar to another one. I recommend <laugh>. I, I'm really obsessed with traveling right now similar to one I recommended from Patagonia. They make a similar one that is large enough to be your personal item. Oh, excuse me. It's small enough to count as a personal item, but it's large enough to, It really packs a punch as you said. So, and that's comes in a
Doree: Hundred. And if it's under the seat in front of you,
Kate: It's under the seat, but it, it's like a tiny suitcase. So check that out. I haven't tried it, but I love, in terms of personal item, this is now what I bring as a personal item. My second tiny,
Doree: Yeah, I'm looking at it. I think it's too big for an everyday backpack.
Kate: Yes. But maybe a carry on
Doree: Personal, but maybe carry on situation.
Kate: Yeah. Well, we heard from other listeners about our Fanny pack conversation
Doree: We did.
Kate: Other listeners, <laugh>, meaning other than ourselves and I are the listeners, we from other people, <laugh>. Oh
Doree: My God.
Kate: Here's what one person wrote to us. They said, Kate Doree. Hello. I'm sure you've gotten a million versions of this message, but I think one of the reasons we're using Belt Bag now instead of Fanny Pack is because in the uk and I think other Commonwealth countries, Fanny isn't slang for, but it's slang for a vagina. So I think Fanny Pack doesn't necessarily sell well overseas.
Doree: Well, except that is an interesting point.
Kate: I mean, for many of us, we are wearing these bags directly over our vaginas. So Fanny Pack is quite literally what it is.
Doree: Interesting point as well, Kate <laugh>.
Kate: I mean, it really does hit right above the pelvic bone.
Doree: This is true. I had not considered that, but you know what, Thank you. When you're right, you're
Kate: Right. Oh, clearly I'm right. <laugh>, did we get any other bag res in the Fanny Pack variety?
Doree: We did. We got a few brands that were recommended to us, and I just wanna list them out. Calak came up,
Kate: <affirmative>,
Doree: Patagonia came up. Rei I guess has an REI brand belt bag that people
Kate: Like.
Doree: Okay. There are several on Amazon that people sent us, and I will try to dig up those links. But I think if you just go to Amazon and you search for Belt Bag, you're gonna come up with quite a few options. And then Kate, you had a wreck.
Kate: I have a belt bag from Kodo Packy that I really like. C O T O P A X I Cotopaxi. So there you go. Just throwing that one out there. That
Doree: Well, and
Kate: A good one.
Doree: And I also just wanna say that I do recommend this baboon to the Moon <laugh> belt bag after. Okay. After the whole drama. I do recommend it.
Kate: All right. So baboon to the moon, add that to the
Doree: List. Yep, yep. Add it to the old list. All right, Kate, let's take a break because we have a lot to get through here.
Kate: All right. Brb.
Doree: Okay. Brb. Okay. I don't know if it's because of our interview with Dr. Mesa Franco or this is, although friendship has just been a topic that has come up a lot on this podcast. Maybe because we're friends,
Kate: Possibly, I dunno.
Doree: Well, but we got a question from a listener about friendship that I thought maybe you and I could try to kind of muddle through, as
Kate: You know. Okay. We do.
Doree: People who have friends and who are friends. Alright. This person wrote, Hi Cat Andor friendship boundary question for you. My newest friend is constantly asking to hang out. I already see her a few times a month, sometimes even once a week. But for example, if we have plans on a Saturday, she will also ask if I wanna do some sort of activity on Thursday. I have to say no to a lot of her plan requests. And I gently mentioned that I need more downtime these days. I have a busy job and already full social calendar, a husband, home pets, and going through fertility treatments. She also has a partner job and a three year old. It stresses me out to be asked to cram in another activity. Even though I'm grateful for her friendship. I do enjoy her company and I don't wanna hurt her feelings. How can I tell her to back
Kate: Off? This is tricky. I think you are either going to communicate it by continuously setting the boundaries that you're setting. If you continue to say no, presumably they're gonna begin to understand that you aren't available all the time, or you need to have a clearer conversation, which can easily just be like, I really enjoy your company and I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I am, I'm not able to hang out as much as you're asking right now. So I, you know, don't want you to know that. I think if someone said that to me though, that would still hurt my feelings. But that's on me. So me to work through, It's not your responsibility.
Doree: Yeah, exactly. This is hard because I think making friends as an adult is hard and it's hard. It's also hard initially to, you said there that this person is a newish friend. And to kind of figure out what is your sort of friendship cadence.
Kate: That's a really good way of putting it.
Doree: Thank you. This person seems like they need a lot of interaction and I wonder if they don't have many other friends. And so they have sort of glommed onto you a little bit in a way that you don't feel like this is not your friendship cadence. And I'm not hearing from you that you don't wanna be friends with this person at all. I'm hear. Yeah, I'm just hearing that you just need to dial it back. And I think, and when you do have this conversation with her, I would make that clear. I would say, Kate, I really wanna be friends with you, but I can't hang out with you every night. It's just too much.
Kate: And I'd say, Okay, cool.
Doree: Yeah,
Kate: And I'd ask somebody else or I'd do it myself.
Doree: Exactly. And I mean, you could also say, you could propose, maybe you could propose a standing date with them every two weeks you get brunch. I don't know, I'm just throwing this out there. But that might give it a little bit of predicta. Like, this person sounds possibly a little anxious and maybe giving them that predictability would solve some of these problems for both of you.
Kate: All right. I think this is great advice story. Let us know how it goes. Maybe other people have thoughts. That is a tricky, It's tricky to navigate cuz you know, wanna set the boundary, but you wanna do so in a way that keeps the friendship going. Right. Cause they sounds like they'd wanna be friends with them, so.
Doree: Exactly. All right, so we also recently discussed the question of making friends at work. And we had, Kate and I had some thoughts, and then Dr. Marissa Franco had some thoughts and this has just been kind of an ongoing conversation. So Kate, do you wanna take this one?
Kate: I do. Doree. Hi friends. For the listener on today's mini app who wants to make friends at work, I'd encourage them to differentiate between work friends and friend friends. I personally don't wanna be best friends with my coworkers. It just has the potential for so many problems. What if your new BFF isn't good at their job and it impacts you? Or you have to work together on a project and it impacts how you give, receive feedback. Or if one of you is promoted, ends up managing the other ASCA manager has a ton of cautionary tales in this vein. I worked with one of my best friends for about two-ish years, and the only reason it worked was because even in a small 50 person organization, our work never intersected. It was great to see her every day be able to have lunch together, have someone who understood the people in my work stories, but she left.
I'm still there and I know things about how she was treated by her boss. That still impact how I view the boss. It doesn't interfere with my work or anything, but that's information I'd likely not know if we were just coworkers. But I love my work friends. To me, those are people who I'm more friendly with at work. We talk about things in our personal lives. Sometimes we have lunch together, occasionally go for a happy hour, et cetera, but rarely text or hang out on the weekends. There's also times that I've not shared certain things because I don't necessarily want my coworker to know that about me, even if I might want to tell them as a friend. Those friendships are important to me. These are people I see talk to every day, sometimes more than my friend friends, but I'm also not trying to transition those to hang out on the weekend and text all the time.
Friends. Though very occasionally they've naturally evolved that way and sometimes there's a shift if we're not working together. I also recognize that this could all play differently in a gigantic company, but I'd still be a little cautious with your immediate team. I guess what I wanna say to this listener is make an effort to be friendly with people, which can be especially challenging if you're mostly slash all virtual. It's nice to chat with coworkers about your weekend vacation hobbies, but don't take it personally or as a rejection if they keep it in that realm of friendship, the exchanging personal contact info as you left, your last job may have happened because you were leaving and people may have felt more comfortable making that shift because your work lives wouldn't be impacted.
Doree: I think that this also raises such an important point, which is that we should not expect our friends or our partners or to be all things to us. It's okay to have people who fulfill certain roles in your life and not everything.
Kate: How do you mean go on? Your partner doesn't also need to be your work person you unload about work
Doree: On. I don't even think your partner needs to be your best friend.
Kate: <affirmative>. Okay.
Doree: I see people saying that all the time. I'm marrying my best friend. And it's like, that's great if that's what works for you. But I think that that has created this expectation that our romantic partners also need to be our best friends. And I just don't think that that is realistic or necessarily advisable. That's all.
Kate: I'm here for that take. I don't disagree. I think it's important to have lots of different kinds of relationships in your
Doree: Life. So that's why I really like how this person is saying, try to differentiate between work friends and friend friends. And look, a work friend can become a friend friend, especially after you don't work there anymore, <laugh>. But yeah, I do think that having some boundaries with friends from work, I think it is important.
Kate: Yeah, I do. And especially with subordinates or managers, I really feel comes strongly about that. That being said, I mean, you and I work together and we're friends, but we're in a weird, unique situation. <laugh>. I mean,
Doree: Yeah, I think our situation is a little different and our podcast is based in part on our friendship.
Kate: <laugh>. I know. Weird.
Doree: But yeah, we are gonna hear one more voicemail on this topic.
Voicemail: Hey cat. And so I just had a pause apo moment while listening and walking down the street. This is regarding your mini up where the listener called in to ask about making friends at work. Something I like to do when I start a new job is to set up one on ones with my new coworkers. So maybe a 30 minute coffee chat if it's in person or just 30 minute casual zoom if remote. I'll send these out, these kind of requests out to people I might be working with, maybe sometimes managers people on other teams just to get to know, get a sense of what kind of work they're doing. Maybe have it be a low key way to find out what's going on in the company, learn more about the organization. And in general, I find it to be a very most stakes way to get to meet my colleagues and just learn a little more about 'em and see if we connect and if we wanna chat again in an informal way. So it's something I recommend and best wishes to the listener starting at new job. Yeah, just you the best. Bye.
Kate: Good idea.
Doree: Yeah. I love this practical advice
Kate: And it keeps it professional, It keeps, it maintains that boundary. Again, the boundary.
Doree: <affirmative> <affirmative>. Kate, let us take another little break and we'll be right back with some thoughts on eloping.
All right, Kate, we heard from quite a few people on the topic of eloping, which I appreciated because we asked for <laugh>. We asked for people's experiences since you and I, neither of us had experience eloping. So this first email is from a listener who has some very practical advice, and I love an email of practical advice. They wrote, Hi, this is in response to the listener who asked for advice about eloping. I'm very passionate about the subject of elopement, so I wanted to chime in here after my husband and I eloped about five years ago, several people in my life told me they were jealous. They wished they could have ditched a more traditional, more stressful wedding celebration in favor of an elopement. But for whatever reason, societal pressure, family pressure, internalized pressure from the wedding, industrial complex, et cetera, they felt like they couldn't.
It makes me sad to think about all of these pressures that hold pe p hold back people from doing what feels right to them to honor their relationship. So I'm here to spread the gospel of elopement and to encourage people who are considering this path. My husband and I eloped on a Wednesday afternoon in the city where we met with just an e and a photographer. We had a very short ceremony that included a reading. We selected vows, we'd wrote for each other in a ring exchange. It was so special and personal. The morning after our elopement ceremony, we flew to New Orleans for a mini honeymoon. We did a few things to help our family and friends feel included in the milestone, even though none of them actually witnessed the ceremony. One, we prepared some of our loved ones ahead of time. Around the beginning of the year, we told our immediate families and closest friends that we were planning to elop in the coming year.
And that although we wouldn't share the exact timing or the location of the event because we wanted the announcement to be a surprise, we would planned spaces to celebrate with them afterward. I think this helped everyone know exactly what to expect too. We hired a good photographer. I think making a plan to share some kind of high quality photos or videos is key since this is the only way most of the people in your life life will be able to feel like they're witnessing your ceremony. We asked our photographer for a couple of sneak peek photos she could share with us just a few hours after a ceremony, which we used to announce our elopement on social media. The surprise reveal was one of our favorite parts of the day. The people in our life were so shocked and thrilled. Once all of the photos were ready, we made photo books that we gifted to our parents and grandparents.
Three throughout the year after we eloped, we had multiple parties and celebrations with the different people in our life. We rented out a bar to party with our friends. We attended a low-key potluck hosted by our church community. We gathered with my family, my hometown, and we gathered with my husband's family in his hometown. We didn't have the traditional big wedding reception that brought together ever in our lives, largely because that wouldn't have worked well for our life circumstances, which is one of the reasons why we wanted to elop in the first place. But this collection of celebrations sprinkled throughout the year felt like a wedding tour that allowed us to celebrate over and over again. It was very fun and it also allowed for more quality time with our loved ones because these gatherings were smaller and more intimate than traditional reception would've been. Allow, can take all kinds of different shapes, and there are so many ways to celebrate your marriage with the people you love. I hope this might inspire other couples who don't feel called to host a traditional wedding ceremony and reception. You deserve to have exactly the kind of wedding, wedding celebration you want, even if it doesn't fit into a more traditional mold. Good luck to this listener, and I know their day will be absolutely beautiful.
Kate: That's just it. You deserve to have what you want.
Doree: Totally. And I love that this person, they made photo books that they gifted to their parents and grandparents. Like what a thoughtful special gift.
Kate: And it's a way to include people, but still have it be
Doree: Your
Kate: Only thing. Yes. Weddings don't need to be communal events if that's not for you.
Doree: No, but they had some communal events like that's true. But on their terms, <affirmative>, it sounds very special. All right, we're gonna hear one last voicemail on this topic.
Voicemail: Hi, Kat and Dor. I'm calling in regards to movement. My husband and I went to a lot of fantastic weddings before we ultimately got married. His parents were coming to town the next week and were, Let's just do it. Let's just get married. We were of, at the beginning of our adult life, finally graduating from school and didn't wanna spend all that money that we didn't really have on a wedding. And neither of us had parents who had resources to help us. So anyway, we went on the top of a really beautiful mountain mount in Marin County, California, and it was just stunning. And yet our closest friends and family there with about 20 people all together. I think we spent all of $3,000 on wedding dress, all of it going out to a really nice dinner on the ocean. And then we went on a month long honeymoon, Two weeks treking in Peru, and two weeks in Costa Rica. We were to buy a darn.
Doree: I mean, that's all, just thank you to everyone who's shared their elopement stories with us. I'm sorry we didn't have time to include everyone's, but they were very special. So thank you. Yeah, I feel like I was there. Yeah. Well, I mean were, I kind of have been. Well, thanks everybody for you're and chickens. Yeah. All right. Bye.