Mini-Ep 307: Self-Care When the World is Bleak
Kate and Doree share a few resources we can use to help take action in light of the recent mass shootings. Then, they hear from listeners about what to get a mom turning 50, whether dogs should or should not lick your face, and about Kate’s Hard As Hoof nail experiment. Plus, an update on the Bumble spouse!
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Transcript
Kate: Hello, and welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Kate Spencer,
Doree: And I'm Doree Shafrir.
Kate: And we are really not experts.
Doree: No, but we are two friends who do like to talk a lot about serums. And
Kate: This is a mini episode where we hear from you. We share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability.
Doree: And please remember we are a podcast host, not experts, and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed. If
Kate: You would like to reach us, you can leave us a voicemail or a text message at 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9 0. And our email is forever five podcast. Gmail com.
Doree: You can also visit our website five podcast.com for links to everything we mention on the show. We have a shop my shelf at shopmyshelf.us/forever35, where we have recommended products like our favorite skincare, our favorite beauty tools, sun protection, et cetera, cetera. Um, so it's just another, another way to find pros that we like. And you can follow us on Instagram at forever 35 podcast on Twitter at forever 35 pod. Join the forever 35 Facebook group Facebook com slash groups slash podcast, the password is SERUMS, and do sign up for newsletter podcast newsletter.
Kate: Well, here we, are
Doree: Here we are
Kate: Recording this. Uh, we are recording this the day after. Um, I mean, I don't even know where to begin 19 children and two teachers were murdered in Texas
Doree: At their school.
Kate: Yeah. Yeah. And I, I don't even think either of us really know what to say.
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: Yeah. I don't even really think we know how to record a podcast after the wake of just, um, 10 days of, um, massacres in our country.
Doree: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just, uh, it's so much to process and it feels, feels very overwhelming. Um, and I don't wanna say hopeless because I feel like that's, I dunno, I just don't like feeling hopeless. So maybe I don't like to say that feeling hopeless, but it does feel like, wow, this is just, this is, this is our country. This is just the way things are here.
Kate: Yeah, I am. I'm, I'm trying to keep it pretty, um, subdued here for this podcast, but I am, uh, filled with rage and despair. I'm so sick and you know, an hour and a half ago, I attended my fifth grader's fifth grade graduation and watched a bunch of kids in their school get to be celebrated and celebrate and feel safe. And it's just fucking surreal because there is, um, there there's just, no, there's no way to make sense of any of this. I don't know. And it's, it's really wacky to then have to come here and know that, like, you know, this is a, we try to make this like a space of comfort for people. And like, this is a nice a podcast that you can listen to. And hopefully kind of just like tune out the rest of the world, but I'm almost at a loss for how to make this podcast. When I think both of us are filled with like deep despair
Doree: <laugh> yeah.
Kate: So like, we are gonna answer people's questions, but it's, I honestly don't know what, I don't know. I don't know. How do we, I don't know. How do you keep making a podcast when the world just feels like it's so deeply sad?
Doree: I don't know. I mean, maybe we don't <laugh>
Kate: Yeah, I don't know.
Doree: I don't know. Uh, it just, uh, it just feels intractable and like, I also keep thinking about, well, like, even if they do change the laws, like there's so many guns out there already.
Kate: I know,
Doree: You know, like there's so many guns, so like, even if they never sold another gun again in this country, there's already so many guns out there. What are you gonna do with all the guns that already exist? It's just like, I don't know. And, and it just feels like the, the gun lobby is so powerful and has resisted even the like most basic safeguards against stuff like this happening that it's just like, how do you change that? I don't know. I don't know.
Kate: Well, I mean, I think now is a good time to center the organizations who are doing the work in this area because people are working really hard to change legislation. Um, yeah. And I do think the one thing that you, I know you and I have both been really thinking about the impact of local government and local politics. And I do think even with stuff like sensible gun sense legislation, that it can, it, it starts local, like as local as your mm-hmm <affirmative> your city. And also, um, and I didn't prepare this, so like, I'm going off the top of my head, but mom's demand offers on, on their website. Uh, I believe I'll double check this, but really good tools, um, for how to talk to other, if you're a parent, other families about if they have guns in the home and also what to ask, um, which is a conversation I have really, uh, had to practice and it's can be very awkward, but I think it's really important to have the, those conversations with other parents. Um, so if you're like, how the hell do I send my kid on a play date and talk about like, how do I ask the other family about if they have weapons in the home, they have, um, really good tools for how to do that, that I have found really helpful and I have used, so, um, I don't know, man, i'vem at, I just, I don't even know. I don't know. I think I'm really grieving and, uh,
Doree: Well, and it's just like, even if our kids, you know, are not in a school that experiences a school shooting, it just, it makes kids live and parents obviously, but like kids live with so much anxiety around all of this happening that like we're creating this mental health crisis for kids in this country. So,
Kate: So a bunch of fucking people can have AR fifteens. Yeah. You don't need a fucking assault weapon. No, but yes. Story it's true. My kids have been doing lockdown drills, you know, since they weren't in kindergarten preschool. Yeah. And they're aware mm-hmm <affirmative>, you know, and like, I, you know, and I just keep thinking about the grandmothers going grocery shopping in Buffalo, mm-hmm, <affirmative> fucking going grocery shopping your grandmother. Mm-hmm <affirmative>,
Doree: You know, the, um, the organization TIV that were, that we're both. Um, I think we're both a part of mm-hmm <affirmative> yes. Um, they posted something on Facebook that I also, I reprinted in my newsletter today with some action items that people can take. Um, you, you can join mom's demand, accent action, like Kate, uh, just said, but you can do it really easily by just texting act to 6, 4, 4, 3, 3. Um, you can contact your representatives and you can use resist bot to contact them. You can text resist to 5, 0 4, 0 9. Um, you can follow them on Facebook and message them resist to get started. Um, you can register voters field team six is a great organization to help register voters. You can help flip state legislatures, which is, you know, an initiative that Kate and I are in the podcast are all involved in. Um, you can go to the state's project.org for more info and resources. And we also have a giving circle for the state's project, um, that we will link to that helps support, uh, flipping state legislatures support, democratic governors, and make sure that your school district, if you're a parent that they send information home about gun storage, which you know, is connected to what Kate was just saying. So, you know, I don't think that any of this is going to change today or tomorrow, or maybe even in the, you know, I don't know, but I think we can all be working towards some of this change.
Kate: Yeah. So we're gonna try to also have a podcast where maybe, you know, we can lift our spirits and your spirits by talking about some very lighthearted things.
Doree: <laugh>.
Kate: I mean, we have a question about a dog licking a face that's where we're going today and you know what, maybe that's good. Yeah. Maybe it's good for us to take a break and take 20 minutes to just think about, you know, take our minds somewhere else for a little bit, but
Doree: Yeah. All right. All right. Well, let's, let's take that break. Give everyone a couple minutes to kind of decompress
Kate: From, I'm gonna sip of my smoothie,
Doree: This conversation, and we will be right.
Kate: Well, here we are. On the other side of things, still filled with despair, but I'm gonna talk about some lighthearted stuff and give some loving answers.
Doree: All right. Let's do it
Kate: Because a person has reached out to us with an urgent request. They wrote.
Text: Help. I need to figure out a gift for my mom who is turning 50 soon. She was a teen mom I'm in my thirties and has worked her ass off to raise me and my siblings. She says she doesn't wanna make her birthday a big deal, but would still love to get her something special. Any ideas? Thanks in advance.
Doree: Hmm.
Kate: Happy birthday to your amazing mom.
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: Who worked her ass off. She sounds awesome. Yeah. I think it's totally appropriate that you wanna give her something special.
Doree: How sweet.
Kate: I think you can go either way here. You can do the, like don't spend a lot of money, some sort of sentimental gift that you make.
Doree: Mm-hmm
Kate: <affirmative> even a, even a letter expressing gratitude.
Doree: Aww.
Kate: Um, or you could like go all out and get her piece of jewelry.
Doree: Yeah. Yeah. I also, I, I always like something personalized mm-hmm <affirmative> or like an inscription,
Kate: Like the initials carved into something. Yeah.
Doree: Yeah. Or like a necklace with the initials of all of your, of you and your siblings. Like something like that, I think is always nice. And I always think, I mean, I always love a spa gift certificate.
Kate: Oh. So do I like if you're just trying to get them to treat themselves?
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: We, for my father's 70th birthday, my brother and I coordinated one of those, um, like videos where you can have people submit a video. And then the, a, the software program we used tribute www tribute.co. Oh yeah. Mm-hmm <affirmative> where you give people a link and they submit a short video, you know, and you can kind of give them things to say, like suggestions of what to talk about. And then it essentially like edits it all together and then you get to send it to your loved one. And my dad loved it. He cried.
Doree: Aww.
Kate: Yeah. Those can be really, those can be very fun. I think those can be really special. Yeah. And then also like you get to, you know, you could, you get to watch it too, and like Marvel at how amazing your person is, but those can be really nice.
Doree: I love that idea.
Kate: I also think like taking them fi taking them out. I don't know if you need to have a party, if they're not like a person who wants a huge deal, but taking them out for a dinner somewhere special or somewhere that they love or, or cooking them a meal at home and honoring them in some way. Yeah. And having people express their, their love, I think is really nice. And then send them to the, yes.
Doree: All right. We got another email. Um, this listener writes in,
Email: I wanted to write in and get your opinions as I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed first, a shout out to the lovely pre she is the Chloe to my Lola slash Franny. If you know, you know,
Kate: that's my Book,
Doree: That's so sweet.
Email: She's just quit her job and is getting married next weekend. And here's where I need your help. I'm traveling to her wedding and spending a week back home. I'm excited for the wedding, duh, but also very excited for a chance to go shopping during the pandemic. My husband and I moved to Keala Uganda, where there is a total lack of target slash Alta slash Sephora. We also had a baby might as well make all of the big life changes at once. Am I right? So when I'm back in the us, what do I buy looking for your best recommendations for a new working mom who loves skincare, fitness and burning the fancy candles? My budget is not unlimited, but I'm willing to splurge. It's incredible what you can save when you're not driving past targets, hypnotic bullseye on a daily basis.
Kate: <laugh> I can only imagine what that's like.
Doree: I mean, there's literally like within a two mile radius of my house. I think there's like five targets <laugh>
Kate: Oh, yes. I live near three <laugh> and I also signed up for that app where you can like have same day delivery. That was like one of the pandemic things yeah. Shipped. So now, like, if I'm like, mm, I need 17 mint candles. I can just beat Bo poop over to the app.
Doree: Well, I
Kate: Mean, I guess my question to this listener would be, what do you actually need? Mm-hmm <affirmative> because I think sometimes like when you're in this, you know, when you don't have access to something and you're, then you're like back, it's like, give me all the stuff. And then you just end up with a pile of things that felt good purchasing in the moment, but maybe like you aren't gonna actually use when you get back to your daily routine in Uganda. So I guess my thought was like, what is your skincare routine now? What are the, like, you know, the holes in it that you need to fill? And in terms of fitness, I mean, I would buy yourself a pair of Hokas. Ooh, I love, I have so many fricking Hokas. I have been a Hoka shoe runner, excuse me, a Hoka shoe wearer for a few years now. They're just the most comfortable shoes. And if you enjoy fitness, just they're just an everyday shoe, like a perfect everyday shoe slash a fitness shoe. They're so comfortable on your feet.
Doree: What a great suggestion, Kate.
Kate: Well, thank you, Dori.
Doree: I would also fitness wise. I would buy some Lulu lemon align leggings.
Kate: Those are the softer ones, right?
Doree: Yes. I love those.
Kate: So I don't own those, but I, I do like the Lu I do wear a Lulu lemon legging to exercise that are, let's see if I can figure out which ones they're. Hold on. Please do, do, do I dunno? Uh, oh, they're like the wonder something. Oh yeah, yeah. Sorry. I'm getting this wrong because I didn't prepare my legging name, but yes, I do. I will say as annoying as Luva lemon is, their leggings are pretty great.
Doree: The other thing that I would say is like, maybe pick out like one or two splurge things.
Kate: Mm.
Doree: Like splurge on a fancy candle or splurge on. I don't know. I, you know, I like the, actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I like the idea of splurge on a fancy candle, because if you splurge on a fancy serum and then you can't get it again.
Kate: Ooh, that might,
Doree: That might be annoying.
Kate: That might be annoying.
Doree: You know? Here's what, oh, here's what I would maybe recommend.
Kate: Okay. Take us on this journey.
Doree: Well, okay. If you're buying some skincare, let's say, let's say kind of basics, right? You're gonna get a cleanser, maybe a nice vitamin C serum, a moisturizer, a sunscreen, maybe for night, you'll do a retinol and like a nice rich night cream. Maybe get those products from wherever you get them from target, Sephora, wherever, and try them out while you're on your trip. And then the, the ones that you really like stock up.
Kate: Ooh. Do like a little bit of a pile. Like yeah. Get a
Doree: Couple. Now the only thing that I would say, not just stock up on is vitamin C serum because vitamin C serum can go bad very quickly, even in the bottle. So, but everything else I think will keep, like I would say at least a year. Um, and yeah, and like, if you try something out and you don't love it, then like then you know, but you've tried it out on your trip. Don't save your products for when you go home.
Kate: I love that advice story. I did also just wanna say that the mint and eucalyptus candle from target, if you are driving by that target, this candle is cheap.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: It's not a, it's not a quote unquote fancy candle, but it is. And you know me, I've gone like deep dive into this world of mint candles. Mm-hmm <affirmative> expensive ones, more affordable ones. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and this is the best one. It's water, mint, and eucalyptus. It's a threshold target candle. Just trust me, like I've guided you on cozy nights. The other best candle from target. Just trust me on this. This is a delicious candle. So pack your bags with that
Doree: One brand I like that is sold at target is versus,
Kate: Oh yeah. They make nice stuff.
Doree: Yep. They make really nice stuff. Um, and it's, it's usually carried in store. So that is an option. Um, Pacifica is also a nice brand that most targets have like a pretty full line of, and then of course, good old Sarah
Kate: Say,
Doree: Get that hydrating facial cleanser,
Kate: You know, my daughter Doree. Can I tell you something sweet? My 11 year old I've been like teaching her how to wash her face because I like realize that you don't, you aren't just like born knowing how to wash your body. You know, you' just, it's one of those things we assume people know how to do. Kinda like, like clean your room. And then I'm like, oh, I never really taught you how to do that. So yeah. We've been washing her face, like going through the motions of learning, how to wash her face with her old Sarah V cleanser. She uses the Salic Sarah cleanser. That's great. Yeah. It's been like very, very sweet.
Doree: That's so cool.
Kate: I mean, I would just like, I dunno, stock, like the idea of stocking up on products and then bringing like a very heavy suitcase across back across the Atlantic kind of makes me chuckle.
Doree: Doesn't that sound fun.
Kate: <laugh> it does. But it's like, you go to weigh your suitcase and it's like 75 pounds.
Doree: Well, you, what do you been
Kate: There? Owe 13 candles.
Doree: <laugh> you know, I think anyone who has family in other countries are very used to bringing a suitcase full of American gifts. Like things that, you know, you could only get in the us, like when we would go to Israel, we would bring like a suitcase full of like, I dunno Levi's and like really all. Yeah. I mean, it's, I think it's, it's, it's a very common thing, um, for people to do. But I, I do like this idea of like someone just lugging skincare back for themselves.
Kate: Yes. Hell yes.
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: Oh, well I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy your time home.
Doree: Yeah. All right. We have one more, very important text.
Kate: Very most important text we've ever gotten. Yeah.
Text: Do you think that letting my dog lick my face, clogs my pores. Can any vets weigh in?
Kate: Why a vet? Why not a dermatologist? Like
Doree: The
Kate: Vets are going to know?
Doree: Yeah, probably not.
Kate: Here's like in my Googling.
Doree: Yeah. Uhhuh.
Kate: It's real gross. If you, if you Google does saliva, clog pores, uh, some people put saliva on their acne on their zits. Also some people think that like drooling in your sleep can irritate your skin, that the saliva can irritate your skin. So I'm gonna assume obviously, a dog saliva is different than human saliva. Can't even believe we're talking about this.
Doree: Well, you know, Dr. Rash is a real thing. Like, I mean, and they had Dr. Rash and it was like, it was a problem. So, you know, that's a, that's a, that's a real thing.
Kate: Can I just say something? Yes. I try to be really openminded but dogs licking me. I really hate. Oh,
Doree: I do too. I do. I do not tolerate this.
Kate: No, like it make, I, I have like Lucy, especially is the lick dog. My daughter's friend calls her licky Lucy and like, Ugh. I, it drives me bonkers. Like I don't think I could let a dog lick my face.
Doree: Woo. No, me neither. I don't even let Bo lick my arm.
Kate: No, I hate
Doree: It. Yeah. I hate it too.
Kate: So I, I am already like listener. I love you. And I honor you for who you are, but this one's hard for me.
Doree: <laugh> I, I am with you Kate.
Kate: So I would say like, it's probably fine for your skin, you know? I don't think it's gonna clog your pores, but maybe just like wipe off after.
Doree: Yeah, yeah. Just wash your
Kate: Face. Just wash off. Oh, well Dori let's let's take another break. Okay. Wipe off the dog saliva. And, um, we'll come back to from a couple more listeners.
Kate: All right. We received this email.
Email: Dearest Kat and Dor. I am a since-the-beginning, thanks to my awesome friend Eden. Now 35 year old listener, and I have two things to say, thank you.
Kate: Oh, that's so sweet. Then they go on to express their gratitude to us, which is very nice. And then.
Email: two Kate horse, whatever happened to your experiment with hard as hoof. It was many episodes, parenthesis years ago that you mentioned it, but did you feel it if it made a difference? How long did you use it for? I have super weak, short nails. And'm interested in acquiring longer and strong ones for my wedding this summer. Is this a dream? It feels like a total farce that a cream could make you grow long and beautiful nails. But this gal is looking for hope. I occasionally get gels, but I want to grow gels. I'd love to hear how your hard as hoof experiment went. And whether you found any better pros since listeners question mark.
Kate: I think this person also wants you to weigh in listeners. If you have found anything for your nails. And I have to report that hard as hoof did not make my nails hard as a hoof. Ooh. Um, yeah, they didn't nothing happened. Wow. It was basically like a cuticle cream, you know, didn't do it. Didn't do anything. Wow. Um, and I will be honest. I, you know, I understand this person very well because you're chasing the dream. You're chasing the promise of a stronger, longer nail for those of us with short, weak nails, thin nails. When I see someone with like a long nail bed and a strong nail, I'm like, you, you don't even know
Doree: What it's like. I know. I know.
Kate: So I, there is a part and look, I am the same way. In fact, I just bought and have been using a, something called radiant cosmetics, jumbo nail growth oil, which I literally saw in a TikTok. It's literally a tick to like a TikTok influencer makes this nail oil. And I ordered it out of desperation, Dory. I'm sure it's not gonna work.
Doree: Oh my gosh.
Kate: I know. So I am kind of, of the mindset that there is no solution. This is genetics. Wow. This is what we are born with. And this is what we have. Wow. Do I keep trying? Of course I do. But I would say like, I, if, you know, I would say try, you know, use something and see if it works as you're gearing up for your wedding. And then if there's not how you want them to look for your wedding, get whatever gels or extensions you wanna get. But I will say as a person who recently had a bunch of gel X something, something on my nails, yes. It really screwed my nails up. It really screwed 'em up. I did it for my book promo. I wanted to have long nails for my book promo and I, I regret it, but I also like, there's no other choice for us shorties over here. Yeah. Other than making peace with your nails, but yes, the gel X appra nail, <laugh> it really fucked up my nails.
Doree: Oh man.
Kate: So I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know. This is a real, I, I, this is a real conundrum for me. Maybe someone has a, a miracle miracle item out there, but I can tell you, my nails are recovering from having these fake nails on and it's not pretty, it's not pretty wow.
Doree: Kate.
Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But good thing. I'm sure this TikTok nail oil is gonna solve all my problems. Yeah. So it'll be fine.
Doree: Uh, okay. Well,
Kate: Did you ever use you didn't, you weren't the hardest hoof user. It was another friend of ours. Do you have, have anything you put on your nails or your cuticles?
Doree: No. I've been kind of neglecting them I have to say. Okay Kate. We have a voicemail,
Voicemail: Hey, this is the Caller. Um, who called about her friend getting married and, um, her husband being on or her fiance being on Bumble. Um, and just concern over that. First of all, I just wanna say thank you so much, um, to you both and to all the listeners who called and in with all the amazing different viewpoints, I really took it all to heart. And, um, for people's concern about my wellbeing, that was really kind well, of course I would love to a vigilant. Um, but I ended up just texting her, um, kinda took a little bit of advice from everyone and just asked her if she would, um, talk about it again. And if she about, um, texting our third friend and she responded, which is saying that they're in therapy, I'm working it out and she feels good about where things are at and, um, that she doesn't really wanna talk about it with me anymore. So I'm going to respect those boundaries and also, um, take care of my wellbeing and, um, make sure that I respect, um, my physical health in this time as well. Um, and also thank you to the caller who brought up consensual non monogamy. Um, I actually do have a friend who does practice that, um, and her relationship and, um, so definitely an advocate for that, but in this case it was, um, not consensual. Um, so thank you everyone.
Doree: Love an update.
Kate: What a quick turnaround on the update. Yeah. I love it. I'm so glad you reached out to your friend. I'm glad that they communicated with you.
Doree: Mm-hmm <affirmative>.
Kate: like, it sounds like you both have really good like boundaries with each other and can talk to each other honestly, and respect each other's boundaries and.
Doree: yeah.
Kate: I'm proud of you listener.
Doree: Yeah,
Kate: you did it. You did a great job. So cool. Well, you know, this has been, uh, this has been an episode, been a podcast episode. Yeah, yeah.
Doree: Kate. I'm glad that I get to do this. I'm glad that I get to do this with you.
Kate: You know, I am too. That is a real bonus that we get to work with empathetic friends. I.E. Each other <laugh> and the other people we work with. Yeah. And our listeners, thank you for, uh, you know, listening and bearing with us as we kind of try to work through all these things in real time. Just like you're doing at home.
Doree: Yes. Take care everyone.
Kate: Bye.