Mini-Ep 385: Throw Yourself The Birthday Party
Kate and Doree mini-ep it up to chat about Kate’s spray tan urges and Doree’s adoration of candle warmers. Then, they hear from listeners about various topics that launch Kate and Doree onto a shared soapbox about the patriarchy keeping women quiet about their bodies.
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Transcript
Kate: Hello and welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Kate Spencer,
Doree: And I am Doree Shafrir.
Kate: And we are not experts.
Doree: We are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums,
Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability.
Doree: But please do remember, we are not experts. We're podcast hosts and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Kate: And look, if you have been tuning in for the last few months, you may have noticed that we have been running a special feature called Product Recall on Fridays here on February 35. We've loved doing them. We are taking some time to kind of, I don't know, review our product recall episodes, see how we want to move forward with them. And so we are going to be back bringing you many episodes for the time being. We have product recall is still around, but we're just, we're now in the development phase.
Doree: I think that's a good way of putting it, Kate.
Kate: Thank you Doree.
Doree: So we've got welcome.
Kate: Weve Got so many interesting listener questions for you today, but I have a Kate Spencer question that I do want to start with.
Doree: Okay. I'm all ears
Kate: which is maybe a question I've asked here before. And this question is, should I get a spray tan as someone who has never had a spray tan? You know what, we have talked about this because you've had a couple spray tans.
Doree: I have had a couple spray, I've had a few spray tans in my life.
Kate: I've never gotten one. They seem so kind of overwhelming to me that I think I've avoided it. But a friend shared a person who's doing kind of like a spray can, discount spray tan discount. And full disclosure, my husband and I are going away for a weekend in a few weeks to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.
Doree: Oh my gosh.
Kate: And I was like, what says 15 years married better than getting your first spray tan? the answer's nothing. The answer's nothing better. Hey, should I do it? Are they a lot of upkeep? Am I going to have to time it and plan shaving and then scrub myself? Is this easy or hard? Is this a high maintenance thing?
Doree: There is a little prep in my experience. There is a little bit of prep you do have to do.
Kate: Okay.
Doree: The last spray tan I got, I was not happy with. I really felt like I looked insane.
Kate: Okay. Okay.
Doree: But it's a real, your mileage may vary kind of situation. I am not the biggest fan of spray tans, but if you feel called to do it, do it.
Kate: I more feel summoned by a deal and by that lingering curiosity because it's something I've never done.
Doree: Oh, okay. Here's what I will say, Kate. I personally probably would not do it for my 15th wedding anniversary,
Kate: Especially if it's my first ever time.
Doree: Yeah,
Kate: okay.
Doree: I would do it during just a neutral time period. And then if you like it, if you like the result, then you can do it for a special occasion where you're going to be photographed or on a beach or whatever. But I would do a trial run first.
Kate: Okay. This is good advice. You're saving me from going away to Napa, which is a place I've never been before with possibly, what if it turns out that I have Donald Trump's skin tone with a spray tan?
Doree: I mean, also Napa is not a place where people wear bikinis around. You know what I mean.
Kate: Doree. I'm sorry. Speak for yourself. I am going bikini only to wineries.
Doree: You're going to go wine tasting in a bikini. No, I'm just, I don't think you need to get a spray tan to go to Napa.
Kate: Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't even really know what a spray tan is for.
Doree: I think I know people who have gotten them for their wedding, people who have gotten them prior to going on vacation to a tropical locale.
Kate: Got it. Okay. A tropical ooc. Okay.
Doree: Some people get regular spray tans.
Kate: Right, right. For sure.
Doree: Okay. So I think you do whatever feels right for you.
Kate: Alright. I do. I like your advice of trying it with a low, low stakes.
Doree: A low Yes. Low stakes. That's right.
Kate: That's really good advice. I'm glad brought this up.
Doree: I would definitely do a low stakes trial run and then look, you might love it. You might be like, this is me now I'm a spray tan person and great.
Kate: I kind of want to become something person.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: I don't know. I think I'm just feeling antsy, so I get it. I Need a new identity through some sort of unnecessary
Doree: And maybe it's spray tans.
Kate: Yeah. Okay. Sure.
Doree: Yeah. Why?
Kate: Well, here's another identity question that I just wanted to note. I'm fragrance testing, A new scent.
Doree: Ooh. Okay.
Kate: What It's called Steamed Rainbow by Ds and Durga
Doree: And oh, one of my favorite brands.
Kate: So I really love their scent called Big Sur After Rain, and I bought the car freshener, I bought their a, and then I bought a pack of their other kind of different car freshening scents. So I have this amazing scent right now in my car and smells so good. But while I was placing this order, I thought to myself, why not order a couple perfume samples and see if anything gets my nostrils a tingling?
Doree: Love it. And
Kate: I ordered 4 cents and one is remaining in the race.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: The other four are all nice but aren't doing it for me.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: But the one that has the last scent standing is called Steamed Rainbow. And I think it's their newest scent and it's kind of a weirdo and I like it.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: But the question always is, am I like it? Excuse me. Do I like it enough to take it to the next level or am I going to break up? Right now, I'm only dating a tiny sample. The bigger bottle costs much more money. And I, I'm like, am I going to go there with you? Am I going to do this dance with you? But if anybody wears this scent, I, I'm would kind of love to get more thoughts on it. I can't tell if it disappears kind of fast on me, but it's a really interesting, unique, fresh, clean smell, for lack of a better word. It kind of smells like water and concrete, which is a scent I love
Doree: Water and concrete. Interesting.
Kate: The first note smells like one of my favorite smells. That is a very niche smell, but you will know it. The entryway to the Disneyland Pirates of the Caribbean. When you are standing next to the indoor water,
Doree: Yes.
Kate: There's a very distinct water smell. I know you have the candle. I know Matt,
Doree: I was going to say that my husband is a big fan of the Disney scented candles one and Pirates of the Caribbean is probably his favorite one.
Kate: Yes. So maybe Matt and I need to share a scent and I should get him some steamed rainbow
Doree: Maybe. I mean, wait. Oh my gosh, Kate, I never told you I changed Matt's life. I got him a candle warmer.
Kate: No.
Doree: Yes.
Kate: And is, is he just now candle warming up a storm?
Doree: Yes.
Kate: No way.
Doree: Yes. So it was so funny because I got a candle warmer and Matt was of course what that, what are you doing? That's weird. He was just like,
Kate: He doesn't understand.
Doree: And he would walk through my office and note that the smell was very nicely permeating the room, but with no flame, no smoke, no nothing. And I still have most of the candle. And he was definitely sort of like, oh. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to get you a candle warmer. And he's like, no, no, don't get me one. And I was like, I'm getting you one. And I got him one and he put it in his office and he is a convert to that candle warmer life.
Kate: Once you go candle warmer, you can't go back.
Doree: I Mean, honestly, I feel like this could affect the candle industry because you don't have to buy as many candles.
Kate: I mean, it is also is definitely going to affect the wick industry
Doree: A thousand percent. All
Kate: All the wick makers out there are like
Doree: Probably, I know they're probably quaking in their boots.
Kate: Yeah. They are worried about candle warmers.
Doree: I have had this Jenny Kane candle
Kate: I know
Doree: Under my candle warmer for literally weeks. It is barely, it has gone barely down.
Kate: I know. It's amazing. And what's what I don't have, but I think they do make, which I would like to get is a candle warmer that also has an automatic shutoff. Now
Doree: I have that.
Kate: You do? See, mine does not have that. I would like that.
Doree: So mine, Hold on. Lemme just double check.
Kate: Okay.
Doree: Okay. So yes, mine has multiple modes. You can put it, you can turn it on and then it'll just stay on. Okay. You can set it for one hour and it turns off automatically after one hour. You can set it for two hours and you can set it for four hours. So I usually put it on for two hours and then it just turns off. And if I'm still at my desk, I'll usually turn it back on. But if I'm not, then I do actually, because it's on my desk. I usually turn it off when I leave if I'm not sitting at my desk. But yeah, I put, mine has a timer.
Kate: Okay. See mine doesnt, and I now have one in my office and in our living room, and Anthony was nervous about leaving it on if we weren't home, so I should double check to make sure mine doesn't have an automatic timer. I, I've never even looked at it, but I
Doree: Mine is on the on switch.
Kate: Yeah, mine. Okay. This will be what I do when we get off the podcast, I will rush to my candle warmer to find out.
Doree: I can also send you the one that I have.
Kate: That'd be great. Thank you. Okay.
Doree: You're so welcome.
Kate: Yeah, and I think
Doree: Forgot to tell you that Matt is all about the candle warmer life now.
Kate: It is a amazing invention.
Doree: It's amazing. It's amazing. It's a game changer. Yeah.
Kate: It truly has rocked my world. Yes. And everything smells better.
Doree: Totally. Oh, you know what? I should get one for the living room. I get one for the living room. That's it. This is What's I should do.
Kate: I want to get one for our bedroom too. And then it just kind of becomes like there are candle warmers everywhere,
Doree: Which is fine. I also like the light that it emits. It's like a nice little glow.
Kate: Its a stylish piece too. It's very hug as a huga. Higa.
Doree: hygge. I think Hygge,
Kate: I, I've, that word has now been a part of American culture for a few years and I still don't quite know how to say it. H Y G G E, but I do think, I think I sound like I'm saying Hugo. It's very Hugo sounds so very
Doree: Very Hugo.
Kate: Oh boy. But I love it. I love it. Oh, okay. Doree. Let's take a pause before we take a break if folks want to reach us. Our voicemail is (781) 591-0390. You can also email us at Forever35podcast@gmail.com.
Doree: You can visit our website Forever35podcast.com for links to everything we mentioned on the show, do follow us on Instagram @Forever35podcast and join the Forever35 Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/Forever35 podcast. We have a newsletter at Forever35podcast.com/newsletter and you can shop our favorite products at shopmy.us/Forever35.
Kate: We'll be right back. Doree. We've talked about this, about incontinence issues, and a listener wrote in and they said, dear Kat and dor, I just finished your wonderful interview with Samantha Erbe regarding the incontinence discussion. Any person dealing with incontinence should talk to their doctor about options including getting help from a pelvic floor therapist. We don't have to accept incontinence as something that just happens with our bodies, especially without medical help. First, some cases of incontinence stem from muscular issues that can be managed with targeted consistent exercises. After two pregnancies changed my body. I was personally amazed and very grateful earlier this year when six sessions with a PFT left me feeling like I didn't need to be scared of peeing myself in public anymore. My PFT told me that while incontinence in women is common, that doesn't make it medically normal. I hope that helps. Thanks for the fun. Listen.
Doree: Okay.
Kate: This person, I just want to reiterate this line, while incontinence in women is common, that doesn't make it medically normal. We have talked about the ingrained sexism in the medical field, and I just think this is a thing of note. Just wanted to reiterate that.
Doree: I think this is such a good just quote to keep in mind. Just because something is common doesn't make it medically normal.
Kate: That's why it took me three years to realize I could get help for hemorrhoids.
Doree: Right.
Kate: What? Thank you listener.
Doree: So much of this stuff, of this stuff that we've been like conditioned to think that we just need to live with. We actually don't.
Kate: Nope. We're saying no. No more peepee coming out when you least expect it. If you can get help. Oh, sorry. Nope, go ahead, Doree.
Doree: I was just going to move on to our next email.
Kate: Take it away, Doree.
Doree: Hi Kat and Dor I'm a long time from the beginning Listener first time emailer. I just finished listening to episode 267 and during intentions, Doree mentioned throwing herself her own birthday party. To say I'm in, I am inspired is an understatement. I love my birthday, but I feel like those close to me usually plan events, which is so amazing and gracious. But this year I dream of planning exactly what I want to do. A cozy champagne night in with my girlfriends while my husband hides away and my kids are asleep. A few questions. Is it weird for me to send the invite myself? Is it awkward to ask people to bring snacks to share? I'll of course provide tons along with the champagne and wine. And how do I politely ask for no gifts? I just envision a super cozy night with my friends laughing and celebrating turning 34. Thanks gals for listening. I think I would freak out if I were to hear this red on the pod. Love, love. Oh, that sounds so nice that, I mean, that obviously was not the vibe I was going for this year, partly because my house isn't really set up for entertaining like that. And I also just wanted to, I needed the karaoke release
Kate: And you got it.
Doree: I got it in spades
Kate: While I was watching you karaoke. I thought to myself, remember how we had a listener who was like, please explain Phish to me. And you were like, yeah, explain what it's like going to the concert. I don't quite get it. And as I was watching you rock out at karaoke, I was like, oh, this, I need to tell Doree that. Basically just whatever she's feeling and experiencing. That's what like me at a Phish show was like,
Doree: I love that.
Kate: Just pure unbridled joy.
Doree: Just joy. Just release joy.
Kate: Release, release. Yes. We had some great at your birthday party. There was a Kelly Clarkson breakaway sing along there was it was so moving.
Doree: So that's one of my favorite songs to one of my favorite karaoke songs.
Kate: It was great. Well, I just want to say to this listener, this all sounds fantastic and I feel like everything you just said in this message to us, you just kind of need to reword into email to your friends. You can say, I will have plenty of snacks to share, but if folks want to bring their own, that's totally welcome. And your presence is gift enough. I truly do not need anything other than for you to show up and celebrate with me. Love.
Doree: Yes. I love that. I love that.
Kate: I don't think it's weird. I think it's lovely. Follow Doree's lead and do it.
Doree: Just do it.
Kate: Just do it. Have that shams with your friends. Champers, champers. I don't know what people call it,
Doree: Champers.
Kate: I don't know. Does anybody even say that? Or have I just made something up out of my butt?
Doree: You might have just made something up out of your butt.
Kate: Out of my butt. Doree. Here's another question we received. This listener writes that they need our sage advice. I've always been someone who can remember names fairly easily and rely on this as a tool when connecting with new people. A year ago, we relocated to a new city with an extremely diverse community. The majority of people I meet have names that I am unfamiliar with. I now find myself struggling to remember names or pronunciations, and it is driving me crazy. It doesn't help that I usually have two kids with me during these introductions. I am worried about offending someone by pronouncing their name incorrectly or asking them to remind me of their name again. I find myself avoiding using people's names, which just feels rude. What is the least offensive way to handle this? I need some help and lessons in about 10 plus languages to aid my pronunciation skills.
Doree: I think you can just say, remind me of your name again.
Kate: Yeah. I also often repeat back people's names no matter what they are because it helps me remember them to say it out loud. And when I'm saying it out loud, I think it also gives that person a chance to correct your pronunciation. And I think you can say, I want to make sure I am pronouncing your name correctly. I, that is, it's really important to me to make sure I'm doing this correctly and sometimes I just need to practice. I think you can be very straightforward with people. I think you can also say, I'm really sorry. I have two small kids. I used to be really good about remembering names, but I'm finding myself forgetting them more. Yeah, I know. We've met, could you please remind me of your name?
Doree: I think that's perfect.
Kate: I also just wanted to say, you can write down, if you think of it, I know you said you have two kids, you're probably juggling a lot. But if I've met somebody, I will often write down like Doree person I do the podcast with. I, I'll write down who they are and if I forget how to pronounce someone's name, I sometimes will go onto YouTube and try to watch different videos with the pronunciation. Now, it may not always be the, may not always be the correct one, but I do try to do a little digging.
Doree: I think that's wise,
Kate: But maybe folks have thoughts on this. Would love to hear.
Doree: Yeah, I would love to hear any strategies that people have.
Kate: Well, Doree, let's pause.
Doree: Okay,
Kate: Let's do that. And BRB,
Doree: All right, we are back With an email. Hi ka dor. Can we talk about how lonely the first trimester is? I just found out that I'm seven weeks pregnant and cannot be more over the moon excited. I have PCOS. So you can imagine how excited I am to know that I conceived on my own. My family also knows I struggled with PCOS, so they are not by any means pushy on asking me if I'm pregnant for background. I just got married and my family knows what we're trying. When I found out, I immediately told my husband and one of my best friends. So I only have two people who know as of right now my first appointment slash ultrasound until I'm about 10 and a half weeks. How am I supposed to wait that long? I'm going crazy. Just wanting to know if everything is okay with the baby and want to wait until that appointment before I start telling lots of people. However, that's a very long time to wait. I so badly want to share the news early, but I'm terrified that something will go wrong and I will have to retell them some bad news, just feeling very impatient and a little lonely while not feeling well and having to pretend like everything is normal.
Kate: I agree. The first trimester is really lonely, and I think there has long been this inherited rule that we don't tell anyone that we're pregnant until 12. We pass the first, first trimester mark. And I think if you feel like you emotionally and mentally can handle, we don't want to tell people this good news because we're like, there's this feeling that what if the pregnancy ends and we then have to tell them that news. Now if you, that's a big, I think it's twofold, right? It's protecting oneself from have to having to go through that experience. And then there's, I think also this feeling that we're kind of protecting others. And I think that ultimately every individual gets to decide how they go about this ex experience and that if waiting to tell people is not for you, thats okay, you say you want to share the news early, that you're terrified that something will go wrong and I will have to retell them some bad news. I would hope that these people in your circle could step up and support you and wouldn't rely on you to care for them during the bad news that is most affecting you. So I think gauge your community and if you want to share the news, I would encourage you to do so. I think this kind of 12 week rule rule is ultimately kind of arbitrary in many ways. I know that the, statistically the risk of pregnancy loss goes down after 12 weeks, but that's, it doesnt go away. I don't know. I don't think I made any sense there.
Doree: No, you made sense. I mean, one other factor that I do just want to bring up is, and I hope, obviously hope this does not happen, but I have heard from people, mostly from my other podcast, excellent adventure, where as Kate point out, I would say the vast majority of people, they didn't tell anyone that they were pregnant. And then they did have a miscarriage, and the loneliness was compounded by the fact that they had not told anybody because no one knew.
Kate: Yeah,
Doree: No one knew to offer sympathy or to be there for them. And that made it really hard. So I would actually argue that it's better to tell people because then if God forbid something does go wrong, you do have the support of your community.
Kate: I think that's a really great point. Doree. I really
Doree: thank you, Kate.
Kate: That's such a great point.
Doree: So again, I hope that this doesn't happen, but I personally don't see downsides in telling people early because whatever happens, I think it's better to have that news kind of out there.
Kate: I also haven't been through this, so I don't feel like it's truly my position to be able to say what I would do. I don't know. I haven't been through this, so I think it's important to just note that this has never been my experience, but I think that's lovely, Doree.
Doree: And also we, sorry, just one more thing. I mean, I felt like shit my whole first trimester insane and going into my second, and I think it's better to be able to tell people, look, I'm sorry, I cannot meet you out tonight. I'm throwing up because I'm pregnant. I just think it's good to be transparent about these things. Okay, it, I'll get off my soapbox, Kate.
Kate: Well wait, can I just climb onto your soapbox too?
Doree: Yes. Come on. The soapbox is big. A big welcoming soapbox.
Kate: I don't want to push individual responsibility onto folks. We've got to change. It's up to you to change the conversation. But I do think so many ways, we have been, for whatever reason, hashtag misogyny forced to often go through these experiences in quiet, ie. I have sat with menstrual cramps in meetings through school, through whatever. And culturally, we have been taught not to voice, not to share any of these experiences.
Doree: Totally.
Kate: And I do think if, again, I don't want to put it on the in, everybody gets to do what they want with their, how they communicate their bodies, what they're sharing. But I also think normalizing the sharing of what is going on here is vital, especially considering the attack on reproductive healthcare coming at all fucking angles here in this country.
Doree: Totally.
Kate: Okay. Climbing down now, listener. I know. And you just asked a question, and this is a tangent that's far related, but I just want to say hi. We support you. Thanks for the question.
Doree: Okay. We have a voicemail.
Voicemail: Hello. This is my first time calling in and I need to get some advice. So today's Mothers day and Happy Mother's Day to both of you. I'm also a mother, and this is Mother's Day related. So my work wife, she loves holidays, she loves Christmas, she loves Mother's Day, she loves all that. Her partner, her husband is not, he doesn't acknowledge these days, especially Mother's Day to her, even though it is part of her love language. And this year she decided to be direct with him saying, I will like this as my gift. I like to go here and second year in a row. Cause it was her second year of marriage. He didn't do anything, didn't say anything. So she had to treat herself. Yeah, she's disappointed. And I don't really know what to say to her. I don't know. She was direct with him and he still didn't do anything. And I feel really bad for her. Well, any advice would be really great. Thank you. Love the pod. Yeah, thank you. Bye.
Doree: Kate, what are your thoughts here?
Kate: Well, you aren't their couple's therapist and you are this person's friend and as you said, a work wife. And so I think you are already doing everything that you can do, which is be on their team, Support them, be a listening board. If they, that's all they need, you can say, would you like me to just listen? Or would you also like me to offer advice? And I think that can be really helpful because they might just want to just want to talk about their feelings about this, or they might want you to chime in and say, here's what I think you should do. But I personally always like to check first. And I think if you can honor your friend, you clearly understand what their love language is. You've heard them communicate it, and you can totally honor them. But I don't think you're going to be able to change their spouse unless that is their relationship that they're going to have to work on together. And it's really hard when you see a friend who's hurt by their partner and you so clearly see what they need. Especially because this person has, from what you're telling us, clearly communicated their needs and their needs were not met. That sucks. It's like devastating. It hurts to see a friend go through that.
Doree: Yeah. But I agree with Kate. I would be hesitant to get actively involved here. So I think you can just kind of be there for her without trying to fix this for her.
Kate: Yeah, it's a great point. You don't have to fix.
Doree: Yep. You don't have to fix. Well, Kate, it was fun doing a Friday mini epp with you again.
Kate: Feels good. Feels spicy. We got on a soapbox. We got off a soapbox.
Doree: Totally.
Kate: We debated a spray tan.
Doree: Soapboxes were had.
Kate: Yeah, they were had. It was fun.
Doree: All right. Bye everyone.
Kate: Thanks. Bye.