Mini-Ep 320: Ducts and Floors
Kate and Doree dig into what it really means to be in a parasocial relationship with podcast listeners, and then hear about alternative ways to get dog smell out of your house, how to have a low-key baby shower, and hair solutions for a park ranger.
Mentioned in this Episode
Help us reach $20,000 by donating to the Forever35 Giving Circle!
To leave a voicemail or text for a future episode, reach them at 781-591-0390. You can also email the podcast at forever35podcast@gmail.com.
Visit forever35podcast.com for links to everything they mention on the show or shopmyshelf.us/forever35.
Follow the podcast on Twitter (@Forever35Pod) and Instagram (@Forever35Podcast) and join the Forever35 Facebook Group (Password: Serums).
Sign up for the newsletter! At forever35podcast.com/newsletter.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.
Transcript
Kate: Hello, and welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Kate Spencer
Doree: And I am Doree Shafrir,
Kate: And we are not experts
Doree: No, but we are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.
Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you. We share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the absolute best of our ability.
Doree: A please do remember we are podcast host. We are not experts, and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Kate: If you wanna reach, which we hope you do. Our voicemail number is 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9. And our email is
Doree: Yes, and you can visit our website forever35podcast.com for links to everything you mentioned on the show. We also have a shop my shelf at shopmyshelf.us/forever35. You can follow us on Twitter at forever35pod on Instagram, forever35podcast, and join the forever35 Facebook group. facebook.com/groups/forever35podcast. The password to serums. And you can sign up for our newsletter, which is on hiatus for the month of July, but you can still sign up at forever35podcast.com/newsletter.
Kate: Nailed it. We nailed it.
Doree: Nailed it.
Kate: We nailed that intro. Hello. Um, hello. From the past, we are recording this before we take the month of July off, but we are here with you in your ears and it feels good to be here on this the day after my 43rd birthday.
Doree: Oh my gosh. Yes.
Kate: I'm not like a big birthday person. Yeah, but I'm 43 now.
Doree: Yeah, you are 43 now. Wow.
Kate: I feel like for some reason I feel like blabbing about it this year. You know, like I normally am just like woo over, but this year I'm kind of like, Hey everybody, it's me and it's my birthday.
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: You know, I'm into it. I guess.
Doree: I, I mean, I love this for all of us, quite
Kate: Frankly. Thank you. Um, I did also wanna know just in the realm of serum story, I did put on the O C a hyaluronic C serum today. And I haven't used that before. Mm-hmm <affirmative> my face feels very soft. I mean, it's one time use, but I really like their products.
Doree: Yeah. Their products are really nice.
Kate: Yeah. I agree. Thank you. And you agree that I'm GU glowing,
Doree: You are glowing. I through the computer screen this morning that have I taken a shower since Thursday, I'm not sure. Today's Tuesday.
Kate: What even is time? I mean, we are, we are living through national trauma after national trauma, you know? Like what? Yeah. Why even worry about it? You know, if you don't remember, just get in there and scrub or if not live your life.
Doree: I know what is personal hygiene anyway,
Kate: Honestly, I don't know. I, I exercised today and sweat a lot and then I just put on regular clothes. I, I washed my face, but, and put on DEO. Yeah. Right. Like who do I have to impress?
Doree: <laugh> I, I mean, not me. That's for
Kate: Sure. No, no. When you and I are separated right now, I have a dog in the office. She doesn't care.
Doree: Um, Kate, before we get into what we were gonna talk about, I did just think of something that I just wanted to mention, please. It is, I feel like I've finally gotten better at crossword puzzles.
Kate: Wow. In what way? Like you understand the like inside pun that they're pushing or
Doree: I think I'm get the twist. I'm getting the twist. So, you know, the New York times as sure a lot of people know, they publish a crossword every day and they get progressively harder, um, throughout the week. So Monday is the easiest and then Saturday is the hardest. And then Sunday, I think they've said is like a Thursday level, like a Wednesday, Thursday level. Like Sunday's not the hardest, the hardest it's, it's the longest and the biggest, but it's not the hardest. The hardest is Saturday.
Kate: Yeah. I live with a crossword fanatic. So this is my life I
Doree: Used to, like, I used to be able to pretty consistently get Monday and Tuesday and like Wednesday I could like sometimes get, and then I could never get the rest of the week. And I would, I would like half finish, maybe half finished Sunday. If I like half finished Sunday, I would be like, oh, that was a pretty good week. And I was always like, I do not get these people who can like, get these Saturday. Like, it's just, I didn't understand it. And now I think like, thanks to the pandemic, I just have been doing more and more crosswords. And after a while, like with anything, you start to notice these patterns and you start to notice like certain words that appear over and over because they have like a particular combination of letters that is like helpful for crosswords. And so you're like, oh, now I know that like, whenever there's a, there's a clue about a tide. It's a ne tide who fuck me, what a ne tide was. You know what I mean? So it's like all those sort of little things like that. Um, but I got every crossword last week.
Kate: Whoa, congratulations. That's tough. Thank
Doree: You. So this felt like a big milestone for me. And I just wanted to give a shout out to my fellow crossword heads. What's up cross
Kate: For you. That's what you guys, you call yourselves crossword heads, cross, cross heads,
Doree: Cross heads. Wordies
Kate: Wordies
Doree: Cross heads.
Kate: Doesn't quite flow off the tongue. It
Doree: Does not roll off the tongue. Um, I'll workshop this.
Kate: There's gotta be some nickname for crossword fanatics. Oh God.
Doree: Fanatics might be. What is the name for crossword enthusiasts? What do you call someone who does crossword puzzles? Oh, a Cru verbal.
Kate: Oh God. I'm I'm like already annoyed a what?
Doree: A verbal, a person skillful in creating or solving crossword puzzles.
Kate: You know, I respect you people. I like a good people magazine crossword. I, the, the time I get annoyed at the crossword, it just feels too like smug to me the way it incorporates some sort of like witty joke or just, it drives me nuts. My husband loves it. So I hear it. Like, I, I hear about it, but I never do it once in a while. I'll do the tiny ones, which I enjoy, but I'm, I'm here for like a celebrity crossword puzzle.
Doree: I totally hear that. And I will say something that has been, that is funny to me about the times crossword in particular is like forever. It was just dominated by like crusty white men.
Kate: Mm. Who
Doree: Had like all, you know, very similar sort of like intellectually elitist clues.
Kate: Mm-hmm <affirmative> mm-hmm <affirmative>
Doree: And now, you know, the times to their credit. Oh. To their credit, but like a little late, but like a hundred, at least they're doing it now. Yeah. They are. They are trying to like diversify their stable of crossword puzzle constructors. And so there have been a bunch of puzzles where the clues are cl clearly more like contemporary. Like there was a, there was an answer in a recent puzzle that was sorority squat.
Kate: Oh, that's so good. I love that.
Doree: Yeah. And then, and so, and then every day someone writes an article like about the crossword that day and kind of goes over all the clues.
Kate: Oh. And I like
Doree: That commenters in that of that article are generally on the older, more traditional side of things. And so it's been really interesting to see the comments on some of these more contemporary puzzles. Like people are like, I didn't know what this was and like, complaining about it. And I'm like, oh, this is interesting. This is very interesting.
Kate: Wow. There's a generational divide in the crucifer for word. What was that word? Cruso
Doree: Cruciferous word.
Kate: Yeah.
Doree: Crucis is that, what is that what I said? Yeah.
Kate: It sounds like doesn't it sound like one of the dinosaur time periods.
Doree: It sounds like crucifixion <laugh>
Kate: Yes. It's quite a choice.
Doree: Yeah. Look, I didn't make it up. So
Kate: No, no, you didn't. Well, I'm proud of you.
Doree: Um, thank you. Anyway. It just thought it was interesting. Would love to hear from my fellow forever 35. Crucis now Kate.
Kate: Yes.
Doree: We wanted to read an email. Do you wanna read it?
Kate: Yeah. We got an email recently from a listener that has really stayed on my mind. They wrote to us and they said,
Email: I discovered your podcast during the pandemic and have enjoyed it immensely so much so that I have went back and have been listening to old episodes and have really been enjoying and have been really enjoying hearing about your individual journeys and discoveries. But lately I've been thinking about this idea of parasocial relationships. I'm grappling with the idea that I really enjoy hearing about your lives. Ways you both are growing, learning, or even your thoughts about things that are going on in the world. All which feels intimate as if I am invited into your world. And yet we don't have an intimate relationship. You do not know of my existence. I've heard other listeners refer to you as if we're all friends on this podcast. And it's a lovely community. You've built where people have met outside the airwaves with each other, thanks to this podcast. And yet most of us listeners are not friends with both of you in real life. I am not expecting you both to solve this dilemma for me. I am wondering if you have ever grappled with this personally. And if you have any thoughts about this, I feel embarrassed for asking this and preparing myself that you may not want discuss this on air.
Kate: Surprise! We do. What an interesting question. I, you know, the first thing I would say is that it's something I've thought about personally as a human, because I certainly have had and continue to have parasocial relationships with people. And I have had them, I think as like for 20 something years is I've always been interested in people living their lives on the internet. And in like the late nineties, there were some of these people like just taping their lives on these cameras that would update like every three to five seconds.
Kate: And I was obsessed and then they would write like journals and they essentially document their whole lives online for people to see. It was very kind of experimental at the time. Like now we're all doing that via social media, but at the time it was super weird. And also they had to install webcams around their home. They couldn't, they didn't just have a camera on their smartphone. Right. So it was completely different. And I found myself feeling very close to these people who had no idea who I was and very intimately involved in their lives, similar to similarly to how you're describing. And now in the year 20, 22, you know, I do that with the people who, whose podcasts. I listen to people I follow on Instagram TikTok. I mean, certainly I think this is something we all do. Do you <affirmative>?
Doree: Yeah. I mean, I think that the rise of social media has just kind of enabled the growth of these types of relationships. And, you know, I will say as someone who has been on the other side of, um, what you're describing listener, it, it is sometimes a little weird, like when I have met people who only know me through the podcast, like there is a kind of imbalance, like they know so much more about me than I do about them. Um, and you know, I guess that that's just something that I've had to sort of navigate. Uh, I mean, I guess what I wanna say is like, this is normal. <laugh>, you know, this is, this is one of the things that I think people like about podcasts is because it's like, it's a very sort of like low risk friendship kind.
Kate: Mm yeah.
Doree: You know, like you can, you can kind of just like, feel like you're our friend, but with no obligation, <laugh> like,
Kate: You don't have to show up for it. <laugh>
Doree: You don't have to show up. Like you don't have to listen to our problems. Like, unless we talk about them on the podcast, like also if you wanna stop being our friend, like you can stop, which is, that is also, that's like an interesting kind of, uh, aspect of parasocial relationships when, and this has happened on both of my podcasts. Like when I've gotten very, I don't wanna even say angry, but sort of very like hurt emails from people who have decided that like something I said, you know, doesn't sit right with them. And so now they're gonna stop listening to the podcast and they, they really feel like they need to let me know how much I have, like betrayed them. And those emails here are always so interesting because it's like, okay, <laugh>, you know, like we don't have, we don't actually have a relationship. Like you have a relationship with me, but I don't have one with you. And so it's, uh, it's, it's just interesting to me how people take the people take certain things very personally when it's not personal at all.
Kate: Yes. I've, I've definitely done that. Um, yeah. And I think, I think we do, there is a relationship with listeners and that there is, I mean, one, I do feel intimately involved in listeners' lives and that I do feel like people reach out to us with questions and concerns and comments and shares about their life that are very vulnerable and intimate. And it's important to me. And I'm gonna speak for Doree here, cuz I think also Doree that we, that we treat that with like the respect and I'll say gravitas, but like the, what it deserves. Right? Like I think we both do take seriously the kind of relationship that we have with this amorphous concept of listeners who we do intimately have gotten to know in certain ways, like we've met some people, um, you know, interacted online with people. I, I know
Doree: It's different. I totally agree. No, I totally agree. But like the, the balance is so out of whack, like we are hundred
Kate: Percent
Doree: Is very tiny sliver of someone's lives. Like whether it's a relationship issue or a friend, like whatever they have chosen to share with us usually once. Right. And they are hearing us three times a week in their ears talking about this stuff. So like,
Kate: Yeah.
Doree: Also there's so many more of them than there are of us. Like we can't be there for all of our listeners. We just can't, you know, it's very
Kate: Hard for me as a, uh, people pleaser
Doree: <laugh> yes, no. And I understand struggle and that's why that, and that's why I bring it up Kate, because like,
Kate: Oh yes,
Doree: I don't. I think, I think we should care about our listeners and we do care about our listeners and you know, when they write to us with problems, like we wanna help them. But I don't think it is advisable for us to become invested in our listeners in the same way that perhaps they get invested in us because that requires a level of like emotional. Uh, what's the word I'm looking for?
Kate: Commitment,
Doree: Commitment that is unrealistic for two people with thousands of listeners.
Kate: Yeah. I agree. I mean, the other thing I think too, is that like, just like we only learn certain things about listeners. Like there are definitely things that you and I keep private.
Doree: Totally.
Kate: You know, that that's the other, I think challenging thing about parasocial relationships from the perspective of the person who people are having one with is that I've given so much information. So it does feel like people know me, but then there's so much that they don't know. Yes. Cause they don't know me in real life. And I think that can be confusing. You know? Like I like, for example, I love listening to busy Phillips's podcast. There have been times when I'm like, God, I just, I wanna reach out to busy and tell her blah, blah, blah. And it's like, I don't know. I don't know her. I listen, I hear all these things about her life, but like I don't really know at all what's going on. And I think that's so confusing because even when we, we reveal so much of ourselves, there's still so much that is not talked about. And I think that's good boundary setting. Right? Like I don't wanna talk about everything on this podcast slash you. It would probably be very boring for most people. I think this is such an interesting topic. I could talk about this for days and I, I don't think listener, like, you know, I don't think you should be embarrassed for asking it. It's a real question. It's interesting.
Kate: I don't know. Do any other thoughts before we take a break?
Doree: No, I don't have any other thoughts.
Kate: Great question.
Doree: Well, we should take a,
Kate: Okay. We'll be
Doree: Right back. All right. We will be right back.
Kate: All right. Uh, Doree an email.
Email: After listening to your discussion on gender reveals, I thought you might be able to help with some questions I've been struggling with are on my baby shower as a background. My husband and I have been through three years of infertility, including multiple miscarriages and rounds of IVF. We are now lucky enough to be pregnant. And finally, in the second trimester, even though it's still early, my family has started to ask about plans for a baby shower because we live about an hour flight away. So need some time to plan, travel and such. It's wonderful and thoughtful that they wanna throw us one, but we are still a bit nervous about the pregnancy. And can't tell when we should have it. Additionally, I really hate the typical baby showers that are all women and the mother to be sits there, opening gifts I gave into that for my wedding shower, but really want this to be more about my husband and I together. My family is open to that, but having a hard time imagining it. Have you ever been to something like that, any other ideas on how to make the shower, less anxiety written and more of a low key celebration?
Kate: I have been to baby showers with both partners, for sure of all gender identities. You know, mm-hmm, <affirmative>, I think that's totally doable. You know, it's hard to have to try to convince your family of something that is so obvious to you, but they quite can't wrap their head around. But if you feel like taking on, you know, kind of pushing them in this way, I think it's worth it. The other thing I think you could do is like, I don't think you have to have a baby shower. You could have a registry. I understand the feeling of feeling a little apprehensive. Um, and I think you should do whatever makes you feel like emotionally safe right now. And if that's just having a registry and people buying you stuff off that registry, great. If that's saving the baby shower till when the baby is six months or one month or whatever, great, you know, you don't have to these things that are ingrained at us as, as quote tradition, they're you don't have to do any of it if you don't want to.
Doree: Yeah. I mean, Kate threw me my baby shower.
Kate: I'm not gonna lie. It was a pretty good baby shower.
Doree: It was really fun. Um, it was like the perfect mix of sort of like some traditional stuff, but mostly just like a bunch of friends hanging out and having brunch.
Kate: Yeah. And that has been really nice.
Doree: Yeah. It was really nice. I had people bring people, brought books mm-hmm <affirmative> um, for Henry and like what's been really fun. I will say is like, some of them were like real baby books that he read, you know, when he was a baby, but like some of them were for more like now mm-hmm <affirmative> and like, one of them was this book that Kate gave us called counting our way to Maine. I think Ellen, oh, I
Kate: Love that book.
Doree: And she wrote like a really sweet, like inscription in it. <laugh>
Kate: I love that
Doree: Book. And it was like such a fun little discovery, you know, like three years. Like, I didn't remember who you'd given me each book. And so opening up the book and seeing like Eleanor's name in it. And like, it was just like, oh, so sweet.
Kate: I love that we might have given you our copy. And I think that was also a thing you said you were, you asked for books, but you were like, I don't care if it's used new, you know? So I think that alleviate pressure feeling like we had to buy, you know, that feeling of having to spend money is some
Doree: Of the people, some people who were there who are, who had kids like Kate, um, gave me like a couple of their kids' favorite books, which is so funny to me now with Henry, because he <laugh>, he destroys his books. I know. So if someone was like, you can just give us one of Henry's old books, I'd be like, I don't think so.
Kate: It's covers
Doree: Like hanging on by a thread there's like tape everywhere. Um, but yeah, that, so, you know, that's just, that's just an example of, um, something you can do to baby shower that I think is like a little bit, not the totally traditional thing, but it is still people bringing you something and celebrating something that like, and then it, like, like I said, like, it is really nice to like open a book cuz I don't, you know, be like, oh, where did we get this book from? Oh my gosh. It's from like, so and so, so yeah, it's really that, that was, that's been like really special.
Kate: I love that.
Doree: I don't know if we really answered your question, but those are my thoughts.
Kate: Stand up for yourself here. Do whatever, do what you want. And yes, like your, your instinct is right. Oh, they said any other ideas, how to make it less anxiety written and more of a low key celebration. Yeah. Don't say no games, no present opening. I'll open the presence at home with my partner, not sitting around being stared at, as I open like a packet of socks, you know, you're in control here. Set those boundaries
Doree: Again. I will just say if you do the books thing, it is fun to open the books in front of everyone because everyone has kind of a story about like the book they gave. And it was really fun to like hear from people I'm a big fan might scratch of the book idea
Kate: That might scratch the itch too, of like, um, accommodating the people who want you to sit there and open gifts, you
Doree: Know? Totally. Yes.
Kate: Books. Let's the books. Let's read this next question. And then I think we can take a break.
Doree: Okay.
Text: Hi, Kat and Dor I'm a park ranger and have to wear a big rigid flat hat for work. Yeah, probably the one you're imagining I have long thin hair. And regardless of whether it's in a ponytail braids or loose, I always end up with a sizable knot forming in my hair where the hat touches at the back of my head. Some days even conditioning and gentle brushing, can't get it out. And I truly can't afford to lose as much as I do any suggestions for preventing this problem in the first place. Thanks and thanks for this podcast, which has been instrumental to my mental health over the last three years, I often drive long distances alone on wildlife surveys and I'm always so grateful for your company.
Doree: Okay. Before we get to your actual question, this, this text is like one of the perfect examples of me being like, oh my God, I love our listeners. Like how cool we have a park ranger who goes on wildlife surveys. Who's like asking us for advice on their hair. Like, I love that, but I'm also like not gonna get like super invested in their lives. You know what I mean?
Kate: I do. And also I just wanna say they wear the smoky, the bear hat, which I'm, I mean, obviously that's the park ranger hat that's smoky. The bear wears
Doree: A thousand percent.
Kate: I'm obsessed with the fact that you have to wear that hat.
Doree: I have a suggestion that you might not like listener.
Kate: Is it get a haircut?
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: Yeah. I know. That's fine.
Doree: I think your hair, I think your hair is too, um, thin. It sounds like your hair is too thin and weak for having it long. Especially given that it is under a hat all day. I think you need to cut your hair.
Kate: Mm. What if they don't want to cut their hair? Here's here's my suggestion. I don't know if this will work. Have you tried a very low bun? Okay. And here's another kind of wackadoo. Have you tried a hair net? Would the hair net at all keep the hair protected from the hat? Do we have anybody else who wears hats in their line of work that might have some thoughts? Cause we, I mean, we've discussed that we wear sun hats as we know Doree is, and I'm on a
Doree: Mission wearing a baseball cap.
Kate: Yeah. But not none that tangle our hair no matter what, this sounds really annoying. Right. You know, this sounds very stressful. Yeah.
Doree: Hence my suggestion to cut the hair because I think is I think they described their hair as long thin hair.
Kate: Yeah.
Doree: And my fear is that, you know, as your hair gets longer, it gets weaker. If, especially if you have thin hair and you're gonna lose more and more hair because it's too long, it's like, you're, you're, <affirmative> like you, your, your hair actually can't like support how long it is. And the hat situation is just kind of making it worse. So I I'm really going to urge you to look into cutting your hair. Cause I think your hair will be healthier and happier.
Kate: Let us know what you decide. Listener Doree. Uh, another break. And then we come back, we're talking about houses that smell like dogs. Welcome back. We received an email a while back about how to get rid of a previous tenant or owner's dog smell in a house. And we got some interesting responses. Uh, this voicemail shares a recommendation that multiple people sent in.
Voicemail: Hello, Kate Doree. I calling from Boston hotel room where and there, and before she rips carpet something clean that. So I activate them and they absorb sense. Um, for example, my, my husband had a car that the previous owner, um, was a smoker and had the, and he charcoal bags for a few months. And like it was magic. Like it no longer had the, so two things to try before you take carpet.
Doree: Interesting.
Kate: Hot tip. Thank you. Thank you, listener.
Doree: Yeah.
Kate: Wow. New charcoal was so powerful.
Doree: Um, yeah, these are that. That was a hot tip. Now this next emailer kind of concurred with our advice based on their personal experience. Shall I read this?
Kate: Yes, please. Sorry.
Email: Hi Doree, Kate and the poor woman who has left over dog smell in her new home. My poorly adjusted. Shasu launched an assault of urine on our carpets after my husband, when I got married and she had to move to a new home for the third time in her life, I honestly barely no noticed the level of disgusted nose blind until pregnancy rendered my sniffer super sensitive, long story short, we scheduled professional carpet cleaners. The technician arrived and said, this won't work. You have to get new floors. So along with preparing for a new, we had to spend almost 10 K on new pet proof, albeit beautiful flooring. It's not a great solution, but I think you're both right. It is the solution. And I have a feeling if they invest in the floors, they'll not only like the smell, but also the look much more in their new,
Kate: So bad news. You need new floors.
Doree: Yeah. I mean, this is, this was my takeaway from that,
Kate: That question. We're very sorry. Sorry. We hate to do this to you. Yeah. But, but maybe you need new
Doree: Floors. I think it's never truly gonna go away until you get new floors and, and, and paint as I had said
Kate: Previously. Oh yeah. So,
Doree: So I guess,
Kate: And floors ducts and floors,
Doree: ducts and floors. Well, Kate,
Kate: What a, what a great title for this episode? Doree ducts. ducts ands
Doree: Floors. Yeah. Um, we've really, we've really run the gamut here. I appreciate you. I appreciate our listeners.
Kate: Same.
Doree: All right. Bye. Everyone