Kate and Doree hear from listeners about the ups and downs of reselling clothes online, when to dump a therapist, and why hot rolling hair may be the way to go. 

Mentioned in this Episode

• Forever35 X Balance Bound collaboration

• Forever35 Virginia Giving Circle

• Click here to shop all of Forever35's ShopMyShelf recs.

To leave a voicemail or text for a future episode, reach them at 781-591-0390. You can also email the podcast at forever35podcast@gmail.com.

Visit forever35podcast.com for links to everything they mention on the show or shopmyshelf.us/forever35.

Follow the podcast on Instagram (@Forever35Podcast) and join the Forever35 Facebook Group (Password: Serums). 

Sign up for the newsletter! At forever35podcast.com/newsletter.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. 

Transcript

Kate: Hello, welcome to Forever35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Kate Spencer. 

Doree: And I'm Doree Shafrir. 

Kate: And we're not experts. 

Doree: We're not. We're two friends who like to talk a lot about serums, 

Kate: And this is a mini episode where we hear from you and we share your comments and thoughts and answer your questions to the best of our ability. 

Doree: Please remember, we are podcast hosts. We're not experts. We always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed. 

Kate: Now, should we just hop right in here? 

Doree: I love when we hop right in, let's hop. It's like, all right, we're just going to get down to business today. 

Kate: Wow. Let's just buckle up and hit the road. We received this very funny text. This is one of my favorite things that happens to other people, but when it happens to me, I am mortified. So a listener wrote to us this week and they said, I thought you might get a kick out of this. At my daughter's music class, the teacher's phone died and I offered to connect to his Bluetooth speaker to play the song he wanted from YouTube. But as soon as I connected, you two were blasting over the speaker talking about digital organization could have been worse, but still obviously made me freak out and scramble to turn it off. 

Doree: I love that so much. 

Kate: Now when this happens to me, I want to crawl in a hole. 

Doree: Is this something that happens frequently? 

Kate: No, but I will say when I am working in a public place and I am editing our podcast episodes, I turn one on to listen to and my headphones have not connected. Sometimes it will be like full blast, one of us talking or the music intro music of the podcast blaring, and then I'm like frantically trying to turn it down. So yeah, occasionally this does happen or I go to put on some music in the house and some podcast starts blasting over speakers and it's obviously when I'm talking about something inappropriate or somebody else talking about something ridiculous. Anyway, I love this. 

Doree: Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, it is mortifying. I agree. 

Kate: Yes, We see you listener, we see you. But thank you for listening to us and look, maybe you made that teacher a podcast listener. 

Doree: I was just going to say, do you think we got any new listeners from that little mishap? 

Kate: I hope that music teacher is tuning in right now. 

Doree: Me too. 

Kate: We welcome you. 

Doree: Hello, music teacher. 

Kate: Hello. 

Doree: All right, here's another email. Hi Kat and Dor, what are your thoughts and feelings around book clubs? Are you in a book club now? Have you been in them in the past? If so, any recs on starting one? Who to invite, how to keep them going, how to have a chill but engaging discussion. My book club deteriorated with Covid and strict Bay area lockdowns and by now so many people have moved, had babies, et cetera, et cetera. I'm debating about whether I want to start a new one. So I'd love your thoughts as fellow book and reading lovers. 

Kate: I have been in book clubs in the past and I had really wonderful experiences. I think my thought here would be to put together a group. I think you have to decide what you want. Do you want a true book club or people are really gathering to discuss the book or do you want a hangout sesh with people you like? Because oftentimes that is what book clubs become and the folks who are there for the books I think sometimes get annoyed if that's not that. So 

Doree: I think that is spot on. 

Kate: I just think be realistic about what it is that you want and then make sure everybody that you invite is on the same page. And I do feel like one way to make it more book focused is say you invite four people and then ask them to invite somebody like that they know that may not be part of your insular friend group. So the focus, you're really getting to know each other through the books and not it's your circle of besties coming together unless that's what you want. But I know if my core five closest friends got together for a book club, we would just sit and shoot the shit I think. 

Doree: Yes. The other thing that I would say, and I agree with everything Kate has said, is one thing you might consider is a themed book club. 

Kate: Yes. Doree preach. 

Doree: So whether that's a romance book club or mysteries book club or a history book club or a Los Angeles book club, that can also be a fun way of focusing it and bringing together people who at least have this shared interest. Because I do sometimes find that in the sort of general interest book clubs, people often have very different tastes and which is fine, you don't want everyone to have the exact same opinions on every book, but it also can make it frustrating when you're choosing books because some people are very serious literary fiction people and some people, it's kind of nice I think when you have a theme because then you're, you're at least unified around this one thing. 

Kate: That's a great idea. Good call. A friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours, had a romance book club going for a while and that I was in that was super fun because it was all people who we all wanted to be reading we're all hardcore romance readers. And so 

Doree: That's really fun. 

Kate: It was really enjoyable as opposed to me being in a general book club and always being the person who's like, do we want to read romance? And everybody being like, no. 

Doree: Right. And I am technically in a book club, but I was sort of added. I was actually added when my book came out because they had me come and talk to them and it's all people. Some people I knew pretty well and then other people I kind of knew, but it's not my friend group. But they were like, do you want to, they asked if I wanted to join and I was like, sure, but haven't been. It's also not in my neighborhood. I haven't been able to go for a long time. People have very different tastes. Remember I suggested Red white and Royal Blue, which is a favorite and I'm not a big romance reader, but I do enjoy romance every once in a while and there were a couple people in the group who were real snobs about it and I was just kind of like, Ooh, I dunno if I can, it's tricky, right? Because it is that whole thing of well, we don't all have to the same stuff and I respect differing opinions, but the way they were talking about it was just sort of like, Ooh, this is, I don't love this vibe. So I feel like ever since then, that was two years ago, I've been a little, wait, was that or was that even pre pandemic? I dont know. 

Kate: I mean what is time 

Doree: Ever since then, it's not been the same. 

Kate: Well I also think you just raise a good point of expectations about commitment because there is nothing worse than being the person who read the book and nobody else read the book or being the person who didn't read the book. It just, it's being flexible and understanding about people's lives and time commitments and being realistic about it, but also being clear on what you hope to get from the book club. 

Doree: Yes. 

Kate: I mean I would be into into joining a book club, but also, no, no, I take that back. I don't want to be in a book club. It's much work. 

Doree: Think we talked about this. I was in a different book club not long after I'd moved to la. I'd probably been here for a year or so when I joined this book club and it was just getting off the ground and when it was my turn to host, all these people had RSVP'd and then I think one person ended up showing up and I had gotten all this food, 

Kate: Oh this is the worst. I was just like, no, 

Doree: This is annoying. And again, it was people, I had not put the book club together. It was people I didn't really know and I was just like, this is not the vibe. So I don't know. 

Kate: So we are mixed on book clubs. It sounds like we're mixed. 

Doree: We're mixed. We're honestly quite mixed and I don't even know that I would want to join a mystery book club. Well, I just, I'm thinking about that now. I dunno, 

Kate: In theory I would love to be in a book, but then I always remember I have such a hard time committing to things and getting things done on time as is with all the other stuff in my life. Would I be able to polish off a book a month in addition to the books I'm reading for work and friends books and all that other stuff? I don't know. Why did my, I've made this about me. I guess what I'm saying is do listener do what you want? 

Doree: Well they asked what we thought. That's right. And I will mention again what I feel like I always bring up every time we talk about book clubs that my mom has been in a book club for 40 years 

Kate: And my, with 

Doree: Kate's English teacher, 

Kate: Actually she was my history teacher. Doree, 

Doree: Sorry. History. I always say English. 

Kate: That's okay. 

Doree: But she was your history teacher. 

Kate: One of the best teachers I ever had is in mom's book club. 

Doree: Total coincidence. 

Kate: Total coincidence. But lemme tell you, I almost cried when I found that out. But my mother-in-law has been in a book club for decades and she's visiting right now and she is missing her book club and it me really means a lot to her. It's a really strong sisterhood. 

Doree: Same with my mom's book club. So I feel like that my mom didn't have a huge social life when I was growing up, but book club was like, that's so special. She did not miss book club. So I feel like that was modeled for me and yet 

Kate: Where's your book club? 

Doree: Here I am trashing book clubs. 

Kate: I just think it's hard to get everybody on the same, it's hard to get a large group on the same page. 

Doree: It is It is. And you know what? Maybe that is the secret to my mom's book club. It's pretty small. 

Kate: Yeah. 

Doree: I actually feel sometimes, sorry, I currently have a lot of thoughts. 

Kate: I know I have more to say. 

Doree: Sometimes I feel like people are like, well I'll just put 20 people on the book club email. 

Kate: No. 

Doree: And then I think that gives people permission to not go. Cause they're like someone else is going to go, there's so many people on this list, but if it's like five people, 

Kate: Keep it small, 

Doree: Keep it small, and then you have fewer people's schedules to coordinate and 

Kate: And don't randomly add people or let any, I would say keep the group tight because when you start just, willy-nilly adding people, it gets a little out of hand and I think that's the beginning of the end for the book club. 

Doree: I was a willy-nilly add. And you know what? I am not holding up my end of the bargain. I should resign. 

Kate: Your book club's going to get an email after we record this. It's like, what is she talking about? A formal resignation letter from Doree Shafrir. Oh, well you really tapped into something listener. I think there are best practices that people do have that they put into place with a book club that keeps them sustainable and inclusive and fun for everybody. 

Doree: Yes. 

Kate: I just haven't figured out what those are, but maybe someone else listening knows. 

Doree: Well, okay. Wow. 

Kate: Goodness. 

Doree: Should we take a break? 

Kate: Yeah. 

Doree: Okay. Before we do that, you can call or text us your burning book club. Questions, thoughts, comments. Are you going to see or have you, first of all, have you seen Book club one and are you going to see Book Club two? 

Kate: I haven't seen either, but I think I would enjoy both. 

Doree: This is how I feel too. Maybe we should go see it together. 

Kate: I would do that with you. That actually sounds really fun. And see it at 11 o'clock on a Thursday, 

Doree: A thousand percent done, and bring in our own snacks. 

Kate: Oh always. And a big water bottle that I'll knock over in the middle of it. 

Doree: Yes. Our email is Forever35podcast@gmail.com. Visit our website Forever35 podcast.com for links to everything mentioned on the show and we are on Instagram @forever35podcast we have a news letter at forever35.com/newsletter and our favorite products are at shopmy.us/forever35 

Kate: Well be right back. Doree. Let's pick things back up with an email from a listener they wrote to us after three therapists, I finally found a therapist I love and who has really helped me. We've been meeting either once or twice a week for a little over a year, always virtually. The problem is she's very unreliable with scheduling. She has canceled 10 to 30 minutes before our session, probably five times, has completely forgotten about our sessions seven or eight times and has asked to reschedule within the first five minutes, two or three times. She's always very apologetic and acknowledges it is her fault. Parentheses got deep into work, fell asleep, chronic pain, forgot what day it was, are the reasons her mother died. My therapist is retirement age. She seemed to have financial and medical issues and moved apartments this year. Is this acceptable slash should I forgive or should I find someone else? It took me two years of shitty therapists to finally find her. So I worry about starting over. I'm in a big city so I can probably find someone else eventually. I'm getting resentful about it, especially because I missed two appointments in this time period and she charged me a missed fee, which feels hypocritical since there's no penalty to her forgetting, canceling last minute or during the appointment many more times. Please let me know your opinions. 

Doree: My opinion is you should basically say everything that you wrote to us, to your therapist and tell her that you're considering moving on because this is very frustrating. I and give her an opportunity to kind of respond. That's what I would do. Kate was looking horrified as I said this. I mean you, I think this is completely unacceptable and seems like there's definitely something else going on here and you could just say you're done. But you could also tell her, Kate, you just want to walk away. 

Kate: I do. I think. Okay. I think you have, look, I totally respect the fact that your therapist has stuff going on and her life, but when you enter into a relationship with therapist, it's with a therapist. It is really built on trust and communication. And this seems like now something that you are like, there's no trust here. Not only can you not count on her to actually necessarily always be there when you have scheduled, but I do think you're getting resentful and I think you have a right to be feeling resentful. This is not a relationship that is conducive to a positive therapy relationship. And I think you can, I know how hard it's to find a good therapist. It's really frustrating, but this person is not, they're not professionally showing up for you appropriately and you shouldn't, like this just should not be happening. And I understand everybody has hard moments in their lives. I totally, I want to note that and empathize with whatever your therapist is going through. But, they should. There should be some clearer boundaries and they should say, if I'm going to cancel, I let 24. I'm going to try to let you know 24 hours in advance once or twice. These kind of things happening once or twice. Of course we're all human beings. Your therapist has a lot going on, but canceling 20 to 30 minutes before for forgot, forgetting the session eight, seven or eight times, that is a lot. And I know I once had a therapist fall asleep on me in therapy and that just kind of ended the trust I felt with that therapist. It just is what it is. And so I think you can tell them what, thank you, I've loved working with you, but I need someone with a more consistent schedule and I'm going to end our working relationship and find somebody else. Bye. 

Doree: Yeah, I think that's fair. You don't owe her anything. 

Kate: No, I think you communicate and set, you know can say, this is my last session. My last session will be next week. Or say whatever you want. And I think I, you can walk away from this. I don't think this is cool. And I do and I think, 

Doree: No, it's definitely not cool. And if I don't want to imply that 

Kate: No, you don't. 

Doree: I hope I didn't imply that it was cool. 

Kate: I mean, the other thing you could do is like Doree said, communicate all of this and say, and do what Doree said. Lay this all out and be like, I can't feel comfortable working with you under this situation. Can we try to be consistent or give it another shot after communicating to this person what your expectations are as their patient. 

Doree: The only reason I even suggested doing that is because this person has had such a hard time finding a therapist that they connected with, but it also feels like this therapist is not upholding their end of the bargain. 

Kate: And I totally appreciate therapists charging a fee for missing appointments or late cancels. They should definitely do that. But I agree with you that it feels hypocritical in this situation that there's been no penalty for her canceling on you last minute. It just feels a little off to me. 

Doree: Yeah. Huh. 

Kate: Doree, you want to take this next email? 

Doree: I would love to. Hi Kat and dor. I'm Pamela in Arizona. Well, hello Pamela. I've recently gotten serious about poshing my unused stuff around the house. I she's referring to selling things on Poshmark. 

Kate: Yeah. Fyi, Poshing. 

Doree: In case people don't know, I generally take low ball offers because one, I feel a panic of an offer never happening again. And two, I'd only get a dollar for it at a yard sale. And three, my big goal is to get rid of stuff. However, I accepted a low offer last week for an Anne Taylor knew with tag's dress, and immediately regretted it. It was definitely worth more than $15. Then a few days later, the date it arrived, the buyer reposted it. This means she can use my original photos and stated that it was time to quote, rotate her wardrobe and she listed it for five times the price. So she got it for cheap from me just to resell it. I know this must happen and I need to move on, but I feel so used. I think now I'll, I will be less ready to take the low ball offer. Anyway, just sharing another quirk of the reselling world. Thanks for the pod. It brings me so much joy every week. 

Kate: I think you can review the person you sell to on Poshmark. I know you can review people you buy from. Okay. 

Doree: Yeah. You can only review people you buy from. 

Kate: That feels really shady. 

Doree: I don't think, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with this. 

Kate: Okay, Go on. Speak your truth. 

Doree: I think it feels shitty, but people sell for what they think they can get and she might not get five times the price. She could list it for $75 and it'll sit there for months and months. We don't know if you said it sold right away, I would be like, oh yeah, that is really annoying. But everyone has different perspectives on this. As you said, your big goal is to get rid of stuff. And to me that means get rid of stuff quickly. It's a sunk cost. Could you have made, I don't know, 10 more dollars maybe, but chalk it up to a learning experience and move on and you got rid of it and that was your ultimate goal and you made some money on it. So yeah, I don't know. I feel like this is one of those things that's annoying, but not a huge deal to me. 

Kate: Well also, we don't know if this person bought the dress with the purpose of reselling it for more money or if they bought it, tried it on, it didn't work, and then they reposhed it. And that language of I've liked it, but I'm rotating it for something else. I know as a person who's used Poshmark, that that's language that Poshmark gives you to use. 

Doree: Yes. It's the automatic language. 

Kate: Yes. So it's not that person came up with that on their own as some sort of cover for their scheme necessarily, but I understand why it bugs you for sure. But Doree, I think you're right. I think you are right and you are really the expert in this space in terms of, well, 

Doree: I'm not an expert. I've just like what this person said, they take low offers one because they feel a panic of offer never happening again. That has definitely happened to me. 

Kate: Me too too. 

Doree: Where someone has made me an offer and I've been like, Ooh, this feels low, and I've countered and they have not countered back and they have disappeared. And then I don't get an offer on the thing for months. And I'm like, fuck, why didn't I just take that offer? What was I holding out for? Five more dollars? And I think, Kate, I feel like you and I just had this conversation. 

Kate: Someone just went through this. 

Doree: Yeah, yeah. Do you want to share what happened? 

Kate: Well, because it's personal, right? I had listed something. Yes. I thought the item was in good quality and I had listed it more than half of what it sells for knew. And they came in so low that I was personally offended. And then I did a snarky thing where I offered $5 below what I like. It was just like, what am I getting worked up about? And eventually I ended up selling to me this person, 

Doree: You admitted to me that you often send very low ball offers yourself. 

Kate: Yes. Doree. Yes, Doree. And what's really funny, I bid on some shoes on Poshmark the other day low. And the person came back and offered me $1 below what they had listed it at. I had clearly pissed them off and I was like, I see you. I respect you. 

Doree: Yes, 

Kate: But I'm ghost you now. 

Doree: Yes. 

Kate: Yeah. I get it. It's all, I mean, it's all kind of a game. 

Doree: I mean, I'm in a Poshmark group on Facebook that is mostly sellers and there will be people who are block people who send them lowball offers. 

Kate: Oh my gosh. No way. 

Doree: And I'm like, that's just silly. 

Kate: Well, it's not personal, right? And people take it personal but it's not. 

Doree: You never know that person could come back and end up giving you an offer that is worth it to you. 

Kate: Totally. It's weird. It's a weird experience for sure. 

Doree: It's weird. It's definitely weird. But All right, Kate, let's take another break. 

Kate: All right. When we come back, we're talking about hot rollers. All right. Look, hot rollers keep coming up because there is a world of people out there using them. And I want to join you, but I'm not there yet. But here's, here's some messages from folks who are into their hot rollers. Longtime listener, first time responder in episode 3 84. You were talking about hot rollers. While I'm totally into them, I use them every Sunday before church because typically I'm not an early starter. I wash my hair on Saturday, plug in the roller Sunday morning, jump in the shower with a shower cap, get out, spray chi, heat protector on my hair and pop the rollers in. I do like a beachy pattern, so you kind of need to set a set that has a lot of rollers. I like the Conair set with a one and a half inches and one and three quarter inches rollers. I use a combo of clips and pins to hold them in. I also have the larger roller set for when I want a bouncier set. So then I do my makeup, let them cool as much as possible because the curls will last longer. I just kind of shake them out and place the curls, touch up with a wand if necessary, and then spray with red kin spray wax. Invisible texture mist lasts all day. Too much info. Question mark. Love the pod. Love you all. 

Doree: Definitely not too much info. 

Kate: No, 

Doree: and I thank you for sharing. 

Kate: I want to just note on the most recent min episode we just did, we had a listener, Barb, looking for texture spray, maybe this red kin spray wax, invisible texture mist. Might be good for you. Barb, if you're listening, 

Doree: Good call back, Kate. 

Kate: Just tying it all together. All righty. We are going to end with a voicemail on this same topic. 

Voicemail: Good morning, Kat and Dor. My name Jen, I a longtime listener and huge fan. I think we all are. I'm listening to the episode right now about hot rollers and my little eighties Baby heart just got so excited because I recently purchased Hot Rollers again for myself. I have a professional job. I have to apply makeup, do my hair every day and look the part. But I'm lazy. I'm lazy at heart. I like a clinic. I don't want to do more steps than I have to the patriarchy. So I purchased the Remington Fine Therapy Hot Rollers from Target, and this is the same episode with our target discussion. So I'll say they're 34 99 here in South Carolina. They're fantastic. I plug them in. They don't take up a lot of space. They're more upright than flat. I feel like if you look at a picture of me, see what I mean? But I plug them in while I'm applying the powder part of my makeup. And once I've got that done, I pop those babies in my hair and they sit there for about 10 minutes while I finish my makeup, take them out, put a little oil on my fingers, run it through, and bam, whatever hairstyle I'm doing for the day just became so much easier. Usually I just leave it like that and people think I put in this huge effort and really, really, I did not. So yes, I'm a huge fan of Hot Rollers. Cannot recommend enough five out of five stars. You should try it anyway. Have a great day. All the love. Jen from South Carolina 

Doree: Hot Rollers. 

Kate: I want to get some, okay, I have two thoughts. First of all, I don't know what size to get for my length hair, so I need to look into this. But two, I want to get them, but I also don't want to have to learn how to do something new. I just am so tired of having to learn stuff when it comes to beauty, and I realize the solution is not participating. But I also want waves in my hair. I just need to say this out loud, so, I feel like learning how to roll curlers in my hair is going to be hard, and I'm already like, Ugh. But maybe it'll be easy. I don't know. It feels like everything is everything. Hair stuff just feels like there's such a learning curve that I can never quite master. 

Doree: I know. Same, same, same, same. 

Kate: But I could be wrong. Maybe hot curlers will be the thing. I'm currently scrolling around looking at them right now, so I will keep you posted. Thank you. You hot roller heads for weighing in here. 

Doree: Hot roller heads. 

Kate: Hot roller heads. 

Doree: Oh Kate, 

Kate: I just like to add heads to everything. It just makes it funnier. 

Doree: It does it does. We need a list of all my heads. 

Kate: All your heads. Yeah. 

Doree: All right. This has been fun. 

Kate: Oh, it is. What a joy. All right everybody. We'll talk to you later. 

Doree: Bye.