Mini-Ep 373: Great Not Talking To You
Kate regales Doree with that time a 90’s teenage heartthrob attended her book signing, before they hear from listeners about normalizing not talking to your airplane seatmates, Tower28’s best prods, and social media spirals.
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Transcript
Kate: Hello friends and welcome to Forever 35, a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Kate Spencer
Doree : And I am Doree Shrier.
Kate: And We are not experts.
Doree : No, but we're two friends who like to talk a lot about serums.
Kate: Indeed we do. And we like to do that here on this a mini episode where we hear from you, we share your comments and your thoughts, and we answer your questions to the behest (best) of our ability.
Doree : But please do remember, we are podcast hosts. We're not experts, and we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost, from a medical and or mental health professional as needed.
Kate: We love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail, send us a text message. I dare you. 7 81. I know. I mean like a loving dare. I also honor the fact that you might not want to, that has stopped being a dare. 7 8 1 5 9 1 0 3 9 0 is that number. You can always email us at forever35podcast@gmail.com
Doree : And visit our website forever35podcast.com. For links to everything we mentioned on the show, follow us on Instagram @Forever35podcast. Join the Forever 35 Facebook group. The password there is serums. You can also sign up for our newsletter at forever35podcast.com/newsletter. Shop our favorite products at shopmy.us/forever35. And if you were at our live show a couple of weeks ago, you already know this. I mean, you might already know this anyway, but we have brand new merch, some really so good fun, brand new merch on the balance bound website. So head over to balancebound.co/shop/forever35. You may want to get yourself a horse girl mug.
Kate: You may. I would say you a hundred. Oh my God, sorry. You know what? No, no, I'm sorry. You've been sick. And this is such a moment where were my mom alive. She'd go. Looks like someone's feeling better because those moments when you're sick as a kid and you've stayed home for three days and then you do something lively and your parents are really snark at you.
Doree : Yeah, but meanwhile still feel like crap.
Kate: Yes. Yes. And you're like, no, I just made a joke. I still feel like shit. And they don't believe you and then they're like to school that. That was an excellent joke. I want to commend you, and I also just want to say you so much. Thank so much. I can see how I'm glad you're feeling. I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better, but I want to honor the fact that you are still sick.
Doree : Well, thank you. Yeah. So get yourself that horse girl mug. And we also have a cute reframe the narrative tote bag.
Kate: We have a sweatshirt,
Doree : A really cute reframe, the narrative sweatshirt. There's just some fun stuff over there. So go check it out and yeah, let us know what you get. Now, Kate, you have a Tale to Tell
Kate: <laugh>. I do. Doree, I have just a funny anecdote that I do feel like listeners might enjoy because I did text, I texted you about it and out of context, I think the text was very confusing perhaps at first because I did a book event in New York City, a romance panel at Strand Books, which was wonderful. And I met some podcast listeners there and readers and it was a great time. So thank you. If you're listening and you came, I met members of the Forever 35 New York City Walking Club.
Doree : What that exists?
Kate: Yeah, it's starting. It is starting. The person who's starting it was at my book signing.
Doree : That's so fun.
Kate: If You're in New York, five New York City Walking Club. Going to go for strolls, I think around I on the upper west side of Manhattan. Don't quote me on that, but check. We have, there's a Facebook group for New York City listeners, so excuse me. Check that out. They're walking around town.
Doree : That's so cool.
Kate: I know. I thought that was amazing. So
Doree : That is not your story though.
Kate: No. So we were sitting on the third floor of the Strand in this beautiful room filled with old books and it was packed. It was wonderful. All these amazing authors were on the panel with me. It was like my team from my publisher was there. That was thrilling. I hadn't met them in person before. I was flying high. I was having a great time. I'm in New York. I had eaten a Bialy and I hadn't had a weird reaction to it. I mean, I just
Doree : Oh, not nice. Okay.
Kate: No, no. But I didn't, no, the bioly went down fine. It was great. Oh,
Doree : Okay. Great, great.
Kate: So the panel starts and I noticed there are two empty seats in the front row right in front of our table, middle front, two empty seats. Not because they're being reserved for fancy reasons, but I realized that the folks sitting next to those seats were saving them for some friends. So about 10 minutes after we had started, the couple comes in and just comes right in front of the right in front and sits in those two seats. Clearly their friends have been like, we have two seats saved for you in the front. Just come on in. And they were very sweet. You know how when you're walking in late somewhere, you try to communicate that you're sorry that you're late, but you're doing it with your body.
Kind of like that. I'm waving my hands and making a cringey face at Doree <laugh> that they were gesturing like, oh, sorry, we're late. Here we go. We're sitting down. And then they were both people, a man and a woman, were both very engaged with the conversation through their facial expressions to the point where I was like, this is so charming, especially this man who's like a middle-aged man listening to me. And of course I immediately was like, I love alien romance. I read monster romance. This is what I'm into <laugh>. I just immediately went to the most extreme Kate Spencer places. And this person, especially the man in the front row center was like, he was loving the panel. He was smiling, he was nodding, he was into what everyone was saying, not just me. He was so engaged that I was touched.
Doree : Right.
Kate: And then I look again, oh my gosh. And I'm like, who is this guy's having the time of his life something? My brain is, the wheels are churning. They're moving towards something, but I can't figure out what they're moving toward because I'm like, this guy looks like he's like 50 something. And then I think his friend was on the panel. So he's also being very supportive of one of the writers, which again, it's so nice when people come out to support people they are or friends with. And then I realize story. I realize as I'm watching this happy man enjoying this romance panel, that this man in the front row of the panel is one of my lifelong celebrity crushes
Doree : And mine as well.
Kate: And Yours. Yes. And I would say if you grew up in the nineties, specifically the nineties, you could still crush on this person now, but if you are of our generation, this person was one of the sexiest stars. And I did a fucking double take and then looked to one of my dear friends, Elena in the audience, to try to make eye contact with her in the middle of a audience to be like, holy shit, do you see who is here? Because Doree sitting in literally the front row middle seat of this romance book panel I was on. It was none other than Christian Slater, Christian Slater, Doree, which I then told you you later that night, I got a text on either our you and our chain or our chain with our friend Danielle. That was just like, how, how'd the book panel go? And my response was great.
And then it all caps, Christian Slater was there, to which you both were like, I'm sorry, what? That doesn't cri, I don't, in my experience, Christian Slater doesn't show up at romance book panels and sits in the front row and loves the whole conversation. But that is what happened to me. He was the warmest guest, warmest audience member. Look, he didn't get one of my books and have me sign it. I will say. So I just want to open that offer to him if he's interested. But it was such a treat. He's still a handsome guy and I die. I died.
Doree : You know what my favorite part of this story is? Well, I mean just the whole thing is wonderful, But I love how you described just how enthusiastic he seemed.
Kate: Well, because I, my eyes kept going to him because he was being so engaged. His facial expressions were so supportive and engaging, which I think is so sweet. I could just see he's nodding along and he's grinning and I'm sure also he's there supporting his friend, and that's really sweet. And so he was probably trying to show his friend visually that, I don't know, I don't want to speak for Christian Slater, but it was just to the point where he just looked a kind of sweet, dorky older man. And then I was like, then what was funny is then I had a book signing and people were lining up and many people, including my friend Elena, caught that he was there. She must have caught it immediately when he walked by, he walked in. It took me 10 minutes of watching him, but so many other people were like, did you see who's here? I was like, yes. I'm, I'm dying. I'm dying. Pump up the volume is probably, to me, one of the sexiest fictional characters and I cannot remember now were you, I just think of Big Dick Harry. Isn't that what he calls himself when he's the radio dj? DJ in that? Yeah.
Doree : Were you old enough to have seen it in the theater?
Kate: I did not see Pump Up the volume in the theater that came out in 1990. I would've been 10 years old. I can tell you that I did lie to my parents when I was in eighth grade and went to the movies to see Christian Slater in Cuffs.
Doree : Oh, well, okay, so I, I think I came out in the fall of 1990. So you would've been 11, right? Because you were in 1979?
Kate: Yeah, I would've been in going into sixth grade. I don't think I saw it in the movie theater. So you would've been in eighth
Doree : Grade? I was in eighth grade and I was old enough to see it in the theater. I think it had a PG 13 rating and I was 13 and I saw it in the theater four times.
Kate: Oh my Goodness.
Doree : Yeah, four Times.
Kate: Wow. Because you were so captivated.
Doree : I was so captivated. I just was like, I thought he was so hot. The whole movie. I just loved the movie. I was so obsessed with it and I was not really someone who went to movies multiple times, but it's something that one,
Kate: It really taps into the moment, teens kind of rebelling and an outsider who's this quiet dork at school, but then finds his voice online and I'm sorry, he's called Hard Harry or Happy Hard,
Doree : happy Harry. Hard on
Kate: Not Big dick Harry Harry, which is what I
Doree : Was like <laugh> happy Harry. Hard on.
Kate: Yes. And he plays this kind of rogue radio DJ who riles up the teens of his Arizona town, and there's a
Doree : pirate He's a pirate radio dj, so he's broadcasting on an unauthorized signal, which becomes a plot point,
Kate: And then this girl who falls in love with him, oh wait, figures actually
Doree : Is his, they have moved. He's new in town and they have moved there because his father is the new superintendent of schools.
Kate: Right. Which is such a great Everything about the story, the script. Yes.
Doree : Yeah. Do you remember
Kate: The scene when the girl, Samantha Mathis goes over there and she takes a shirt off? Yes. I have this visual, this such a memory of them taking their shirts off with each other and me just being like, holy shit.
Doree : It was very hot. Yeah, it's a great movie. It doesn't watched it recently. It, and I don't know if it's because I'm so much older now, it doesn't totally hold up, but it is such an artifact of it. It's a perfect artifact of its time.
Kate: Yes.
Doree : So I think if you view it through that lens, you'll enjoy it. I don't think you can view it through 2023 eyes, but try to view it through 1990 eyes.
Kate: Yeah, yeah. Please imagine. Yeah. I mean, we're talking George h w Bush's President Times, just a different world.
Doree : A different world,
Kate: And he has so many amazing movies. I mean, obviously, heathers, but then there was the skateboarding movie like Gleaming the Cube.
Yeah. There's so many movies from that kind of pubescent time of our life. Also, do you remember the one called Untamed Heart?
Doree : Yes. With Marisa Tome?
Kate: Yes. Which I did see that in the movie theaters.
Doree : I mean, I have a whole theory about how the idol is the lionization of Christian Slater as sort of alternateen heartthrob in the early to mid nineties fucked up my perception of what a boyfriend should be.
Kate: I can see that. I mean, any person who watches Heather's.
Doree : Yeah. I mean, he was the ultimate bad boy. Oh,
Kate: That voice that scowl.
Doree : Yeah. So I don't know. It's interesting. But I have thought about this a lot. Anyway, we should take a break.
Kate: We should. Thank you for letting me indulge in this story because it really was such a highlight of my trip.
Doree : I love this so much.
Kate: Thank you Christian Slater for coming and for supporting romance also. Yeah. And also all the pod listeners who were there, what that was about.
Doree : Thrill, what a mench to come.
Kate: Truly Doree. Truly. All right, well listen, let's take a break. Okay. And we'll be back.
All right. So we got this very, very funny text message that had some lol emojis with it, which the person, I want to make sure the tone is captured because I, I'm not able to read emoji. Anyway, this person just wrote,
"yall, I just landed on a flight and the lady in the aisle across from me turned to her seatmate and said, it was nice not talking to you. Normalize this."
I mean, yes.
Doree : I love this. This reminds me, Kate, this is a story that I told you recently over a text. Also, as mentioned earlier, I am still a little sick, so my voice sounds a little weird. When I ran into someone who I was friendly with in high school, but not close friends with, and I ran into her the summer after my senior year, and we chatted for a couple minutes and then she was like, well, have a nice life.
Kate: You did tell me this <laugh>, which is nice. You're probably not going to see each other again. You've no reason to stay in touch.
Doree : Totally. And that was the conclusion I came to. I was like, yeah, I probably won't see you again. Also, we didn't have email in high school. We didn't have aim in high school. All this stuff happened right after I graduated high school. So at the time, there was no Facebook. It was conceivable that, I mean, I wasn't going to write this person letters in college because I wasn't really close friends with her and why she wasn't going to be the first person I saw when, you know what I mean? It just was like, oh, yeah, I might not see you. All right, bye <laugh>. Then fast forward 20 years and she sent me a friend request on Facebook and I was like, wow. I know. Okay.
Kate: We said, have a nice life. 20 years.
Doree : We did say have a nice life.
Kate: Yeah. I mean, I flew recently back from New York and I had the most pleasant seatmate experience where everybody kind of communicated as needed, and we had a little bit of chit chat about what we did for work randomly because the woman next to me had the most wild Excel spreadsheet and I was like, this was after turbulence United us and be made, bonded us forever, and then we all went back. It was a mutual agreement to all then go give each other space. It was the most positive flying experience ever because sometimes I'm not against polite chit chat on a plane, but you also have to read the signals.
Doree : Totally, totally.
Kate: Wow. Totally. I love this. I love normalizing this. I also love normalizing friendly boundaries. But yes, it was nice not talking to you. Yeah. Thank you for giving me my space. Better than the woman on a flight who really wanted to debate governors with me when I was flying to Florida. That was not fun. Here's a text story. Hi friends. Something I've been wondering lately that I wonder if
"y'all might weigh in on is how often should I be replacing my makeup brushes? I clean them regularly, but have had some for what maybe seems like a long time question mark. Maybe. How do we know when their time is up?"
Doree : I don't have a hard and fast answer to this. My only thought is if it seems like you've had them for a long time, if you're asking the question, maybe it's time to replace them.
Kate: It looks like A quick Google says anywhere from one to five years. Now, I have a makeup brush that my mom bought me when I was 23, and she took me to the Stila counter at Bloomingdale's and bought me makeup
Doree : Aw Stila.
Kate: Stila. And that would make that brush 20 years old and I still use it. So this seems to me if you want to, and you can, get yourself new brushes, but I'm also kind of, I think on the list of life things that you got to get done, replacing your makeup brushes is not at the top.
Doree : Yeah, I pretty much agree with that.
Kate: You're cleaning them. They still work for you. Yeah, I think you're fine.
Doree : Well, Kate, here is another makeup related question,
"dear Cat. And Door since the listeners are asking about a foundation that evens out skin tone a little more than the say, beauty slip tint, which I agree with, Doree, doesn't really make a difference, or the Glossier teen tinted moisturizer. Please try the Tower 28 tinted moisturizer. SPF 40 really, really evens out the skin and makes it look Dewey, but not as dewy as the Ilia and not greasy like the Kosas tinted oil. You'll be so happy with this. I'm telling you, tower 28 is making nothing but hits in my opinion, whereas Kosas is a real hit or miss for me. 50% bombs."
I have tried the Tower 28 tinted moisturizer, SPF 40, and I agree with this listener. It is a good product.
Kate: Tower 28, this listener says, I feel like they're right. They kind of only have hits. I've never had a miss from them yet.
Doree : They're, whats it called, their lip gloss is really Good. I love their lip gloss. It's the lip jelly.
Kate: Yeah, I like it too
Doree : Milky lip jelly. The tower 28 milky lip jelly.
Kate: Okay. I mean, I will try this. Oh, I'm just on Sephora already popping this into my bag. Oh, you know what I do From Tower 28, their SOS Daily Rescue facial spray.
Doree : Oh, yes, yes, yes. I agree. I agree as well.
Kate: I Keep that in my car.
Doree : Their stuff, their stuff is great.
Kate: What else should I get from Tower 28 if anybody else is out there? Vegan tinted lip balm. That's intriguing.
Doree : I'm trying to think what else have I tried from them?
Kate: I like that they have called a one-liner lip liner eyeliner and cheek pencil. I think another thing we can normalize is that pencils can be used everywhere
Doree : Their tinted balm is also very nice. Their beach, please. Luminous tinted balm.
Kate: Ooh. Okay. Beach, please. That's a pun.
Doree : It sure is.
Kate: Wait, hold on. Beach please. Lip and cheek cream. Okay. Tower 28. All right. Okay. I got to figure out what color I'm going to go for here with this bomb, but okay. I will definitely at least try the tinted moisturizer, but I will say I have really been liking, I don't mind the Say, I think it's very sheer, but that's okay for what I'm using it for. But the IT cosmetic stuff is really good. You were really nailed that one.
Doree : Well, yeah, I mean, that's a great foundation. A true A foundation. Well, the tower 28 does not have as much coverage.
Kate: I bought their CC cream too, so I bought the lighter version of
Doree : The cosmetics. Oh, ok. What do you think?
Kate: I love it. It's great.
Doree : Okay.
Kate: It's great. I can do a little rundown on a future episode. I can get all the products gathered and we can chat about them more. All right Doree, we're going to take another break and when we come back, we have a really great question for a listener who requests quote Doree sas. So,
Doree : Hey, I'm here to provide that. Okay.
Kate: I had a Feeling you would like this.
All right. As promised, an email we received with a request for Doree Sass, this person wrote to us,
"hello Cat and Dore. Sometimes we all need a little Doree sass in our lives to remind us when we are being petty. This is one of those times the age-old question of: am I being petty or nah. Presents itself in the following scenario. A person with whom I am very close never likes my IG posts or watches my stories yet, they send me reels all the time. And like the most mundane and obscure posts of people we have in common, people who are mere acquaintances and colleagues. Is it petty of me to be annoyed by this? Is it normal for me to spiral about this and find this as a power struggle and a passive aggressive one at that? Did they mute me or what? So what say you Cat and Dor. Am I being petty or not? What would you think if you were in this position, would you do anything, say anything, help love one step away from a spiral."
Doree : Okay. First, I just want to say that I fully empathize with this listener. Social media has done weird things to our brains, and this pursuit of likes is this weird dopamine hit that we get that we're sort of almost powerless to avoid. So It's very fucked up, and the social media companies know exactly what to do to keep you hooked and to keep you chasing those likes.
Kate: And quite frankly, in a panic about them, which I can relate to,
Doree : Which I totally relate to and totally empathize with, are you being petty? I'm going to say, yes-ish yeah, it's kind of petty. Why are you keeping track? That seems like brain space that you could be devoting to a million other things. It's just not worth your time to be consumed by this. This feels like a let it go. Let it go.
Kate: Oh my gosh. And you're singing with, you've lost your voice. So this is, Doree really cares about this
Doree : I really do care about this. It did also make me think of what we always say about giving gifts, which is like you can't control how someone receives a gift. You can't control whether they even thank you for the gift. You just have to be content in the act of giving the gift. And I kind of think the same is true for posting on social media. You can't control how people react to your social media posts. And if you're only posting four people's reactions, then that isn't healthy. That's a part of posting to social media. But you should also be, I think you should be posting to social media to share joy or just things you find interesting or whatever. And corresponding your sort of self-worth with what people think of your social media posts is only going to lead you down a dark and sad path. So that's kind of how I feel about that. Now to your specific question, would you do anything or say anything? No, I would not.
Kate: I agree
Doree : There's a million reasons why this person might never your IG post or watch your stories. If they follow a lot of people, they might never see your stuff. It might just not show up for them in their algorithm. So that's one thing. The second thing is And listener, again, I do empathize with you because I don't think, I don't blame you for this. I think that this is the social media machine doing this to you, but the fact that they like the most mundane and obscure posts of people that you have in common is a red flag for me.
Kate: You're in too deep.
Doree : You're in too deep. Why do you know that
Kate: <laugh>
Doree : Why are you going to your friend's posts and seeing if this one friend has liked their posts? That is too much. That is too much.
Kate: Well, clearly something's bothering this listener. They're bothered by Yes. They notice the person wasn't liking and then they were like, what are they liking? Oh, they're liking ballerina farm, making a lasagna. Shout out. That's a very real post.
Doree : No, but not even ballerina farm. They're talking about their friends, people we have, or I guess, or no, you're right. It might be ballerina farm people we have in common, I assume meant IRL people, but maybe not.
Kate: I thought it meant Otter videos, like otters playing in the water
Doree : I mean maybe. But again, why do you know that?
Kate: Yeah, I mean, I would say to this listener, maybe try to think of it this way, that your friend set a boundary for themselves. Doree's right, number one, the algorithm sets us up. I miss people's posts all the time, and meanwhile I'm seeing some fucking influencer or a brand's posts every day. So it's not, there's like, no, none of these social media companies are complicit in making us.
Doree : Yes. And that's why I
Kate: Get discombobulated,
Doree : And that's why I say I'm not blaming this listener. I totally understand where this person is coming from, but they also need to take a step back and
Kate: Yes, walk away and
Doree : Walk away.
Kate: But I would just also say that if this friend did mute you, they set a boundary for themself that they needed, and they probably did that in order to maintain, keep being a good friend to you and loving you in the way that they can. I and I have had to mute people that I know well in life, and that's not because of anything they did, but just because of my own needs for mental health. So I think as we navigate the fucked-upness of social media, we have to allow people to figure out setting boundaries for them that will whatever they may be. And I think that is honestly, I'm obviously, people can mute and block in all that shit in petty ways, but it can also be done in ways that are really healthy and good for the person and also probably good for you and your relationship. I think it's okay that they did this as, I think the real question is, are they being a good friend to you in your real life?
How are they treating you when you get together? Do you all talk on the phone? Are you connected? Like, fuck this social media shit, none of this is good for us. So I think I totally, and I'm with Doree. I deeply empathize. I have been on the same road, real hung up on certain people who don't follow me, but follow every other friend of mine, all that stuff. And I'm like, why am I in this person's friend list? But here I am looking to see who they follow. Yeah, totally. We all do it. We all do it. We love you, listener. We love you. Yeah. Slow down the spiral. You're okay.
Doree : Slow down the spiral, and thank you for coming to us with this question.
Kate: Yeah, this is so real. We all experience this. We all do. Doree,
Doree : Kate,
Kate: I think we should end it here. And say goodbye and thank you all so much for listening. All right.
Doree : Bye everybody.